My daughter is getting married, today her step mother& daughter had her a bridal shower but I was not invited.

Question

I divorced from my ex 18 years ago. Our oldest daughter meet a man and is now getting married at the end of this month. I will be walking in the ceremony and I am on the invitations. And that does make me real happy. But today my 3 other daughters left and went to a bridal shower that the step mother and daughter threw. The girls did not say a thing to me I found out through a telephone call from a family member. I felt really bad that they would treat me like that. I cried and got a real bad headache. It doesnt seem right that I was not their I though that when you have those showers you invite most of the women that are going to the wedding. I just wonder now how they are going to act towards me at the wedding and reception. I know that it is my daughters special day but how can people act so inconsiderent. I thought that was a cheap shot. I need advise on how to act towards this. I am a good mother but I don't like being treated like I am nothing. Give me sone feedback on this situa

Answer 1

Do you and the stepmother get along?
It really doesn't matter if you do or not, they should have had the fortitude to invite you. It was in poor taste.

You can be the better person and not waste another minute on their bad manners/etiquette. Treat them nice, overwhelm them with kindness.

Just know that you know better. Do not give them any room in your thoughts, thinking about how wrong they were.

Love your daughter and be strong and proud of and for her. Just remember you are going to be nice regardless.

Answer 2

Why didn't YOU, as the mother of the bride, host a shower before now? Maybe the step mother/daughter waited long enough for you to step up to the plate, but you didn't, so they threw one on their own.

(In all fairness, you and your 3 daughters' should have thrown a party with your side of the family, and the stepmom/daughter should have thrown their own with their side and the fathers' side of the family, her friends should have had their own or split amongst the two family parties.)

I don't think it was that odd that they didn't invite you...you are the ex. Why would you even expect an invite-who are you to the step mom?

I understand that you are the mother of the bride, but let's be realistic: you are not a part of the step mother and your ex's family. They shouldn't have to feed or include you at their party. You should have thrown your own party, and invited your side of the family. All to honor your daughter's special day.

Your other daughter's went to the shower to support the bride. I imagine they are in the wedding party, as well. I'm sure if you hosted a party, your daughters' would attend that one as well.

Quite honestly, I don't think they treated you like nothing...I think they just did the right thing. It sounds like you are the overreactive type.

It will be interesting to see how your daughter's baby shower will go (when that comes up)...who will host that? Will you step up then? Will you invite the other family, too? Or, will you copy cat their "wrongdoing" and do to them what they've done to you?

Answer 3

First of all- you need to talk to your daughter. Politely. This does not need to be a guilt trip. If you make her feel guilty, she will feel personally attacked. This is the last thing that you or her need. Secondly, simply ask for details. Was the bridal shower for many people, or was it only for the step-family? It makes a huge difference. If it was for many people, then you have a definite right to be upset. If it was for the step-family, then you have less of a right to be upset. Perhaps the step-mother has some animosity (perhaps jealousy over your previous relationship with her current husband) towards you, and she wanted to share a private occassion with her step-daughter without worring about that animosity. That's understandable, just like I'm sure you and your daughter have had outings together over the wedding planning. However, communicate to your daughter that you feel exceptionally hurt that she did not tell you. Let her know that you respect her desire to spend time with her step-family, even if it is in private. But let her know that it hurts that she felt she needed to hide it, and that it hurt when you found out from another family member. If the bridal shower was for many people and if you were singled out, then you need to have a real heart-to-heart with her. Let her know that her wedding is not only special to her, but that it's special to you too. It's the day your daughter gets married. That's important. Let her know that you wanted to be by her side through this, and it hurts that you were not at a very important event- her bridal shower. Talk to her about her choice and the reasons behind it. It may be a very simple reason, like she didn't know if etiquette allowed the mother to attend a party hosted by the step-mother (some people believe this, although I do not). Or it may be something more serious that the two of you will need to discuss. Above all, approach this from a loving and supportive angle. Even though this hurts you, this situation is not all about you. It's your daughter's steps leading up to her big moment. Your daughter may feel attacked if you do not approach this from a loving and supportive angle.

Answer 4

It WAS a cheap shot.

Your "competition" has had 18 years of bad mouthing from your ex to build-up an image of you, and deliberately did it to hurt you.

Your other daughters however, should be damned ashamed that they didn't tell you about it, and that they felt that had to sneak out to attend without telling you!

As for the daughter who's special day you are celebrating, talk with her, 1) see what she knows about your invitation "becoming lost," 2) see how she felt about it, 3) ask her point blank if she wants you involved as more than "Mother of the Bride."

Alternatively, if you are so offended that you can't continue, drop it all...walk away from the wedding, tell your daughter that you can not "work" her wedding, or possibly even go at all.

Want some serious advice?
Be a class act...pretend it never happened. Throw another shower...and invite the step-mother. However, no matter how much you may be tempted...DO NOT LORD IT OVER THE STEP MOTHER!!!

Answer 5

First, calm down, step back and reevaluate the situation. You are exasperating the problem by overreacting. (Consider this: The shower was probably thrown by her step-mother and therefore the invitations sent by her. She would have her own reasons for not inviting you, having nothing to do with your daughters. They probably didn't tell you so you wouldn't feel bad about it.) Try talking to your daughter, calmly and rationally, about it. You may find that it is not the big deal that you think it is.
Secondly, you need to think of your own self instead of living through your daughters. The fact that you cried until you got a headache over not getting an invite says a lot about your personal life. You can be a good mother and still live for yourself.
Finally, it is your daughter's big day and the consideration is to her happiness. (Be honest, if you had been there, is it possible there would have been a scene with her step-mother and you?) The best thing do to is forget about it and move on. If you want to be more involved in the wedding plans, offer to help. I am sure they need help with things and you could come to be closer if you were to help make sure that her wedding was the best it can be.

Answer 6

It could be that your Exs' new girlfriend/wife was going to attend and they just thought they would spare your the possible embarassment.
Usually the bride's mother is invited to all the showers except maybe one "just the girls give her".
You may want to ask one of your other daughters (not the bride - she doesn't need more stress) and you may find there is a simple reason.
Is it possible they thought it may put another financial strain on you if you are already contributing to the wedding.?
Regardless if your ex does have a new significant other you will meet at the wedding and I think it would have been better to get it over with at the shower. If a parent can't put aside their feelings re an ex on their child's wedding day, they are not much of a parent.
I'm sure there was an innocent reason.

Answer 7

I am sure your daughter had her reason why she didn't invited you to her bridal shower. I think you should be calm and ask her in the nice way. Tell her you feel hurt for being ignored. To me you have the right to know why? But try not to turn the conversation into the confrontation or accusation. You don't want it to go bad then it already is. In my opinion, the reason you can't join them, either you don't like or get along with the step mother, or the opposite, or because the step mother was the one who throw the party. If those are the reason then I think your daughter is reasonable. Otherwise, I hope you two will be able to work thing out. Because as a mother and as a daughter as well, I don't want either one get hurt. But as a mom, I always have my arms wide open for my children no matter what they 've done. I'll find in my heart to forgive them as long as I have live. I hope you will feel better soon.

Answer 8

Wow! How rude and inconsiderate of them but be the better person and I wouldn't even acknowledge it. If you do throw a shower I would invite them. I wouldn't want to be as petty as them despite the urge to be so, I'm sure. If not still give your daughter a gift as you most likely have planned. It is a woman who has your leftovers that was rude and put your daughters in a very awkward situation. If you do discuss it with them I would do so some time after the wedding. Don't let your hurt feelings ruin your daughter's wedding. She will appreciate that. Otherwise have fun being the mother of the bride.

Answer 9

I guess it depends on who was hosting the party, and was it a surprise to your daughter? Do you get along with the step mother? If not, then it is very likely that you were not invited because they wanted to be sure that nothing happened to ruin what should be a special time for your daughter. Not to suggest that you would start anything. Sometimes situations occur without anyone intending them to happen. Perhaps if you look at it as them being considerate to your daughter, rather than being inconsiderate to you, it would put it in a different light? I'm also willing to bet that you daughter was quite dismayed to findout that you were not included.

As for being nothing, that is obviously not true, based on what you yourself said. You've raised a daughter that other people love, and want to be happy. You should be very proud of yourself for that. I'm sure it will be a very nice wedding, and there will be no unfortunate incidents. Have a great time!

Answer 10

I would imagine it being hard on you not being invited to your daughters bridal showers and its not fair for your daugthers to hide if from you either. I think you should throw your own bridal shower for her (just make it more of a lunch thing and tell your guests no gifts please as this is just somethign you want to do for her(they probably got her stuff already anyways)), after all you are her mother and this time invite everyone...even the step-mother and daughter. I'm pretty sure some of the same people will come and in they end you come out looking like the better person and you do get to do something for your daughter. And next time (3 times) beat the Steps to do. Let them know they are your daughters and you would like to throw this event for them.

Answer 11

You've been divorced from her Dad for 18 years. There is an extended family here that doesn't include you. They are people too. Get over it and hold your head up high at the wedding. Did you invite the step-family to all birthday parties (or other events) in the past? I bet not. This is a petty thing you are upset about. This is your daughters special day, be proud, it's not about you.