Are parents disciplining their children?

Question

I saw a question concerning spanking and it got me thinking. In the past decade, there has been much attention paid to spanking children, and as a result many parents have stopped using this as a form of discipline.

It seems, however, (through my observations), that many parents take the "do not spank" idea to mean that discipline in general is a bad thing. As a result, it seems to me that many children are not being disciplined.

Do you feel that this has become a problem? Also, it seems that many parents are now expecting schools to do more disciplining that was once the realm of the parent. If you think this is a problem, do you feel that it is contributing to this attitude?

It's possible that my observations are completely wrong, however I would like to know what other people think on these topics.

I want to make it a point to say that I don't really want this to be a debate on corporal punishment. I understand why some people may not want to spank their children.

What I am wondering more at is the fact that people seem to think that if they don't spank their children there are no other options. It seems to me that parents are getting rid of spanking without really replacing it with another form of discipline.

It seems from the answers so far (they're good answers, thank you), however, that many people are in the mindset that the only form of discipline is corporal punishment. People are answering saying that yes and the problem is that parents need to spank their children. Why does there seem to be a belief that this is the only method? And how can we get away from that?

Answer 1

I think your observations are right on. These children that we are raising today are going to be the ones running the country when we are old. They are completely self-indulgent and have no fear of consequence whatsoever. I'm tired of everyone associating spanking to violence, they are 2 totally different things if you use it correctly. Do you talk a 3 year old down when they are reaching for a hot burner on the stove or do you smack their hand? It is a "tool" to teach immediate consequences to smaller children that cannot communicate. My children do not fear me, I am VERY close with all 3 of my kids and each one of them have been spanked.

Once they reach a certain age and you can communicate with them better, the spanking should decrease. I can't smack my 14 year old's hand for using my fingernail polish without asking, she gets grounded for not respecting my things. I explain it to her, what she did, why it was wrong and how she can keep it from happening again. I see so many parents who are getting all "touchy feely" about the spanking issue and it really angers me. These are the same parents who have kids that spend umpteen hours on their butts playing video games, watching tv, carrying cell phones at 8 years old, wearing make up way too early, dressing like no CHILD should be dressing and treating any and all adults as though they are better than them. They are all spoiled rotten. They have been given everything and fear nothing. A little fear is HEALTHY.

Spankiing does not beget violence. I wish people would stop associating the 2. I was beaten as a child, not spanked, BEATEN and I know the fine line between the 2. Spanking a child out of anger is wrong, spanking a child to teach an immeidate consequence is a tool. Our state (Oklahoma) passed a bill a few years back that put it in black and white that spanking was allowed and that you could use only necessary force with a hand, belt, paddle or switch. I LOVED that law! I have it printed out for my kids for when they decide to cry child abuse because they got paddled for throwing rocks at a neighbors car.

Our society is growing lazier and lazier and fatter and fatter and more and more self-indulgent. I'm scared of what my life will be like in the hands of these childen when I am 65. I'm terrified!

Edited To Add-With the addition of information to your orignal question, I do believe there are A LOT of ways to discipline your kids aside from spanking. You can't always spank a child, you have to teach them, with words and through example, that their behvior is inappropriate and unacceptable. The biggest problem I see today is that kids DO learn a lot by example and so few parents have the time or the inclination to be the proper examples to their kids. When a child is older, it is your responsibility as a parent to explain what they did to get into trouble, what the punishment is and how they can avoid it in the future. The punishment should suit the crime. My daughter goes over her allotted text messages on her cell phone, she loses her cell phone indefinitely and has to earn the money to pay the bill by doing extra chores and she stays grounded until that money is earned. I see the laziness in parents in the examples they are setting for their children.

Answer 2

Wow well good observations I also have looked into this topic as well and I got the same results. Most parents have indeed stopped disciplining their children and also they have therefore expected schools to do it for them. Yet schools are powerless since the teachers can't really do whatever they wish with their students or force them to do better since that is against the law as well. Parents should really maintain their own children and not expect others to do so. Yet drastic measures should never be taken. For example taking food away from a child as punishment is a horrible and disgraceful thing to do. But taking away some of the child's luxuries like Xbox, PS2, Computer, T.V., etc. is a better punishment and as their behavior exceed to give back these luxuries to them. I think that this also ties into parents how are out their not to have children but more for the well, the pleasure of it. This then leads to pregnancy that is unwanted and the parent may not have the money or the time to stop it therefore having a child they don't care whether or not it has an education or is well disciplined. Also it is wrong to not disipline the child because it will affect the character of that child, which means he/she may join a gang, do drugs, hurt others, or become depressed. This is a matter which I too believe should be furthermore looked into. (this is something that I really believe is wrong and wish for the end of it.)

Answer 3

Discipline can be dispensed in many forms but when all else fails and the parent is at their wits end, spanking may be the last resort. I will never say to spank even for little things but for infractions of serious natures need corporal punishment as you call it, I call it tough love. Sometimes to know we are loved as children it takes a spanking to let us know that mom and dad love me enough to discipline me any way they have to break my habits which are unhealthy. Proverbs 22:6 and Proverbs 22:15 are so true and sir or ma'am if I may I got spankings until I was 16 and it didn't make me a violent person. Instead I am in a profession that helps people find freedom and blessings.

Answer 4

I was raised on spankings. Any time I did anything wrong, my parents were always there with the paddle, belt, or switch. It worked for me. Every child is different, some don't respond as well to spanking. I think parents should try different methods to find what works for them. A parent doesn't have to throw out all punishments just because one has failed. In my opinion, many parents are lacking in the discipline area. It's true that kids will be kids. But parents should be parents as well.

Answer 5

My questions apparently have caused some controversy....I guess I did write it for the attention ("Nanny 911" and "Liberal Crackpot" questions.....) I understand that some people do not believe in spanking and think it is abuse and go into all these stupid pychological "studies" that claim it does nothing. If spanking is abuse and wrecks kids for good, then how come all the bad ones are the result of not spanking? Or, I should say, lack of discipline in general? Those of us who spank do not spank out of anger nor do we lose control....My child has never gotten more that 3 swats. Not hard, but enough for her to feel it. I do not strike her face (I have heard a lot of that suggested for back-talkers), I do not use anything but my open hand. To me, to use something other than your hand is abuse...but I have been spanked with a belt and I am aware that there are still people who use that method as well. These are just simply my beliefs....Obviously, not everyone agrees on this issue.
There are children out there who work out well with other forms of discipline, but my child is not one of them.

Answer 6

I too have to agree with your observation. I am a firm believer that children are a product of their environment. I also believe that there is a HUGE difference between spanking and beating your children. Unfortunatley, we live in a society that acts first, and thinks later. People like to stick their noses in other peoples personal business, and some like to cause trouble for those who have beliefs that differ from their own. So many people these days have developed the opinion that spanking your child equals child abuse. I think that to some extent, people have a 'fear' to dicipline their children.

Perhaps I have watched too much Dateline...but when you are hearing stories of parents being charged with abuse, or having their children taken from them because people assume the worst.....it makes it difficult as a parent to know where to draw the line.

On the other side of this, we have the irresponsible parents. I loath these people. Until each parent takes responsibility for their children and their actions, things just will not change. I was spanked as a child. I am not an alcoholic, I do not need counceling, I do not have anger issues, etc. I was taught manners, respect, and the basic concepts of treating people with dignity and respect.

Children these days are handed everything on a silver platter...they sit in front of tvs all day, eat junk food, are selfish and disprectful. To top it all off they are rewarded for these behaviors...and this is all a result of the parents lack of responsibility. There is nobody else to blame.

I myself do not spank my children, but I have also been a constant presence in their life. My husband and I have done our very best to steer them in the right direction. We do dicipline--grounding, taking away items such as Nintendo, allowance, special treats, etc.

I don't want to come across and say that it is 'always' the parents fault. I do realize that their are circumstances that could be factored in.....however, children DO need a responsible presence in their life and discipline.

Just my 2 cents!

Answer 7

I don't "think" it has become a problem. I "know" it has become a problem. All parents want to do is be "best friends" of their child. They don't want their child to "fear" them. And I'm not saying a child should fear a parent to the point that they are afraid of their every move. That's abuse. But what good is a child going to get in the real world if he/she doesn't fear the consequences of their actions? They won't fear policemen or anything. And then they end up in jail because they told the police "shut the f up" and punched him. All kids need to fear their consequences. Otherwise, they are going to walk all over people. And they are going to be having a huge wakeup call when they get out in the real world.

As for spanking. I totally laugh at the people who call it abuse, because I've seen kids with bruises up and down their legs and backs. I have seen kids with black eyes. And to compare spanking to something that horrible, is just hilarious to me. It really is.

Now, my friend could use a swift kick in the butt. Litterally. He has never been spanked. He has always been grounded, but his mom thought spanking was abuse. He's a 20 year old guy, living at home with his mother. Yet, he talks to her like a dog. She'll ask him where he's going and he'll be like "None of your d*** business b****" and she doesn't do anything.

Parents are making it a problem when they want to "talk" to their children and be "their best friend". Being their "best friend" isn't going to get them anywhere in life. And it's not like the police are going to sit your child on the couch and be like "These things are naughty. Don't do them again". The police are just going to take your child to jail. All because these parents didn't discipline them any while they were growing up. They gave them everything they wanted so they wouldn't be the "bad guy".

Now obviously if you get by with grounding and stuff, that's fine. but so many parents don't do ANYTHING to teach their children right from wrong. They expect supernanny and the police to deal with them.

Answer 8

I think its even worse. Some parents don't discipline their children and don't want the schools to do it either. School has changed from an educational system to a babysitting institution. That's why there is such a high demand for teachers. The kids are out of control.

Answer 9

I don't agree on spanking. Alot of old fashioned people think that spanking children were the good old days and blame parents who don't spank for the state of people today. Spanking is easy because it lets you rule your children through fear. Anyone can be a parent and most just rely on old habits and impulses. It is a cycle that continues and continues.
An intelligent disciplinary method is using reasoning at the child's level of understanding. Time out and removing privileges are great ways to teach right from wrong. Hitting just teaches kids to be sneaky and studies show that it lowers their IQ. There is so much information out there saying that it is a form of abuse. Many child-rearing authorities oppose the use of spanking and there is so much research advising against it nowadays.
Spanking teaches that bigger people may hit smaller people or stronger people may hit weaker people. Hitting is assault for everyone but a parent.....
Using physical discipline proves that the person lacks intelligence especially in early childhood development. But you will often hear "I was spanked and I turned out fine." The common justification on this site from people claiming that because they were spanked, this is why they turned out great. About 90% of people on this site are pro-spankers.

You can raise well behaved, happy, intelligent, respectful children without physical discipline. Our family is proof of that and we always get compliments on how great our kids are.
It has become a big problem when parents offer no discipline at all. A pro-spankers attitude is to spank and only spank out of love or if they touch a hot stove which is such a poor excuse and a lazy way of parenting.

I actually studied early childhood development in college, work with children for many years and have 3 of my own. Good luck.

Answer 10

What society needs is for parents to stop abdicating responsibility for their children and expecting everyone else to do their job for them. Far too many parents see their disciplinary role as optional instead of obligatory.

Make no mistakes, some children will be raised to be wonderful angels with little or no effort or discipline required-others will need to be all but put in a straight jacket before they even begin to toe the line.

They're all different-that's what makes parenting so interesting-and such a challenge!

We discipline in a variety of forms in our house. We have (in addition to the usual change of tone and raised voice) in our disciplinary arsenal;

1. Removal of toys until such time as good behaviour is restored.

2. Enforced early bed-time.

3. Removal of TV privileges.

4. Removal of all sweets, treats and similar.

5. The long term consequences speech.

6. Ignoring the culprit (specifically for tantrums/sulking).

6a. In extreme tantrum/sulking cases, where option 6 isn't working removal of the culprit from the room may be necessary.

7. The threat of continued unacceptable behaviour "making your legs go all red and stingy".

The difference between us and many other(although by no means all) parents is that we not only threaten it, we mean it-and are willing to put up with the tantrums etc in order to drive the message home.

It's called 'the follow through technique' and it works 99.9% of the time-whatever your chosen methods are follow them through-don't give up at the first sign of tears or give privileges back at the first 'sorry'.

I certainly don't expect the school to discipline my child instead of me, I expect them to help me to educate him/her and to apply sensible boundaries and enforce their rules within their remit. That is not to say that I'm not happy for the school to impose sanctions on them if they misbehave you understand-quite the reverse.

As my husband says our children's discipline is always going to be
" a welfare issue-we're in charge, they're not and it's well fair."