I;m compiling a book of funny jokes i have now got to the Jewish section .?

Question

I am now lookung for funny jewish jokes and stories can you help please ? Best answer picked soon !

Answer 1

A jewish man went into the bakers shop.How much are the bagels?he asked
Eighty cents for two.
How much for one?
Forty five cents.
Then i will take the other one.
And what is the hardest thing to explain to a jew about american football?
That a qauterback is not a tax return

Answer 2

Thoughts From a Buddhist Jewish Mother

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

Answer 3

A Jewish man sits next to two Arab men on a flight from New York to Miami. The Jewish man kicks off his shoes. Meanwhile, one of the Arab says he would like a coke. Since he was by the aisle, the Jewish man says, "I'll get it for you," and goes off in his stockinged feet. While he was gone, one of the Arab men spit into the Jewish fellow's left shoe. Later, the other Arab man says that he too would like a coke, and the Jewish man goes off to fetch it. This time, his right shoe gets spitted into.

As the flight was ending, the Jewish man slid his shoes back on and through his socks, he felt the squishiness. He immediately figured out what had happened and exclaimed, "When will it end!!?? When will all this enmity cease, the hatred, the anger, the spitting in shoes and the pissing in coca cola!!??"

Answer 4

1)Thinnest book in the world..Jewish book of free gifts.
2)A Jew and an Ethiopian were sharing a dingy jail cell..the Jew watched as the Ethiopian chased a fly, clapped his hands and caught it.He hungrilly put it in his mouth to eat. He did this several times.
A big bluebottle flew into the cell and this time the Jew chased it, clapped his hands and caught it.He turned to the
Ethiopian and said.."Vanna buy a fly?"
3) How do you tell if a house is owned by a Jew?..Toilet paper hanging on the clothes line to dry.
4) A neighbour saw Manny stripping the wallpaper off a wall,
"Re-decorating then Manny?"
"No, moving house."
5) A Rabbi tells the Jewish boy, "I'm afraid you are going to have to be circumcised." The boy answers..
"That's all right, it's no skin off MY nose."

Answer 5

Q. What does a Jewish girl make for dinner?
A. Reservations

Answer 6

A Jewish man is reading his newspaper when suddenly he exclaims loudly, "Lynn, Lynn, vot is syphilis, it says you can die from it, but vot is it? Many people get de syphilis."
"Now, now," says his sife. "I'll look it up in the medical encyclopaedia, don't panic."
Moments later, the wife returns with the book and smiles at him.
"Nothing to worry about old man, it says it only affects de gentiles."

Answer 7

how was copper wire invented?

Tew jews were fighting over a penny

Answer 8

put stuff in there about rabbis

Answer 9

not nice