Don’t tell me I messed up! I need help educating my 16 month old son?

Question

As he grew up, my sister was always holding him. Now he is 16 months and he’s constantly asking to be held. He yells, cries, for up to 20 straight minutes if he is not held. My wife can’t cook or do anything but pay attention to him. He has become a 100% attention demanding guy, and I understand that. They need attention. But we also need to get him educated enough for him to be able to play by himself having us only keeping an eye on him for a couple of hours a day.
When we go out to the mall, he doesn’t want to be in the stroller or on a cart. He wants to walk and makes a scandal if we don’t let him walk. That’s the only time he doesn’t demand to be held, but then again, we can’t get through what we went to do. We let him walk, but he wants to go outside the store. He won’t let us hold his hand or direct his way in any way.
We know we’ve done something wrong while raising him, specially having him held for t

Answer 1

Let him cry it out sometimes. Show him that he's not always going to get his way if he starts to yell and holler. Send him to his room (or another safe area in your home) and tell him he's welcome to come out when he's finished. He's old enough to understand this. Many kids are older siblings by his age. If that were the case, little brother or sister would be getting the bulk of "his" attention.

You're not necessarily doing anything wrong, per say. If you want him to start acting more independent though, you're going to have to start ignoring him when he's throwing his little tantrums.

And learn to distinguish between an "I want attention now" and "something's wrong" cries. When he's hurt (boo-boo) or needing something physical, that's of course not the time to ignore him.

Answer 2

You are the parent, and as the parent you are the boss. He is still young and becoming a toddler he wants his freedom, and then he wants to tell you what to do too. If he cries for 20 minutes straight, then so be it. He will learn after awhile that he can't always be held. As for the mall or a store, let him walk for a bit, if he starts running away put him in the stroller he will also learn that he can't run around the mall or store.

Answer 3

I would advise you (and your wife) to start putting him down EVEN IF HE SCREAMS in a safe place like a baby proofed room or playpen for 5 minutes at a time, several times a day. Even set a timer. Make sure he has toys and so forth available for self-entertainment. Leave the room and don't come back. When the timer goes off, come back and get him. Do that several times a day for as long as it takes for him to get used to it and not cry. Then increase the time to 10 minutes several times a day. It's important to completely ignore him and not interact at all, not even eye contact, during that time. Any interaction will be reinforcing the crying.
Soon he will be at the point where he can hang alone for longer periods of time. Then you might work on the stroller by doing the same thing during walks around your neighborhood. Strap him in, set the timer, and ignore the crying for 5 minutes, etc etc etc.

Answer 4

Just talk to him. Let him know he's a big boy and needs to play by himself for awhile. Let him know you have something to do and he needs to play. Keep talking to him and put him where he can see you. As far as being in the mall, my children were told from the beginning of our trip, you ride in the stroller, or you stay at home with a sitter. He's able to understand. Unfortunately, you are going to have to let him cry it out pretty much. He's too young for a time out to make sense for this situation. I'd put him in a play pen, or a gated area where he can play with some toys and let him be. Kids need attention but the problem here is, he's getting TOO MUCH attention, no time for mom or dad or couple time. If you have to get some earplugs to drown out the crying, but my bet is he'll soon learn there is time when mom and dad can play and be with him and times when you can't be. I'd also yell at my sister for spoiling his butt so much. She's the first one I'd call for a sitter if it weren't for the fact she'd just spoil him more. I'm mom to 3.

Answer 5

#1, I don't think you did anything wrong. Parenting is a trial and error process. What works for one parent and child, may or may not work for the next parent and child. He MIGHT end up being a clingy kid. No one wants a clingy kid, but some end up with one. Anyway, whatever you did or feel you didn't do in the past is just that, in the past.
On to the future....I agree with what most have already said. You should allow him to cry sometimes. Try to talk it out with him. Tell him that daddy or mommy need to get some things done and that big boys don't cry, they USE THEIR WORDS. This will teach him that it is ok to be upset, but that he should verbalize why he is upset. Of course at 16 months he won't be able to say 'Because I want mommy to hold me but she is cooking' :-) But you can ask him 'Are you upset b/c you want us to pick you up?'. I think by this age he can figure out what you are asking, although I am not 100% sure. Once he responds, talk to him by saying you don't like when he cries or is sad. Teach him to talk things out.
I agree that you can give him something to distract him like coloring or painting as one responder suggested. I would add on to that that you walk with him to go get his crayons or paint or whatever so that, once again, independence is being provoked. Walking with him or having him go get his crayons, for instance, will teach him that when he gets upset in that situation,he should go get his crayons and color instead of crying.
Be aware, regardless of what technique you use, it may take some time. My son cut out some of the nonsense he tried once he realized that I paid him no mind when he cried. He is 3 now and I still have to tell him that big boys don't cry when they are upset. ALthough, I back that up by saying it is ok to cry when he is hurt. But when he talks to me, THEN I pay attn to him. He got the point ;-)
But remember, it is trial and error every step of the way. So if one technique doesn't work, try another.
As for the mall situation, I am not much help on that as my son never was really one to wander although we nixed the stroller by about 16 months. So I can't give you any intelligent advice on that subject.

Answer 6

this doesn't sound abnormal for the age, but I see aomething happening here that yuo might want to address. You are letting him decide what you are going to do. Where I com from, parents make the calls, not babies. pehaps when Mom is cooking dinner, dad could distract the little bundle of joy by playing with him and vice versa. You don't have to jump everytime he sarts screaming, that will just show him that he is doing the right thing. It's tough big a parent, with patience, you'll be fine.

Answer 7

This is going to be a painful process, but you have to keep him off of you. I`m trying to say this, don`t pick him up unless he`s hurt or in desperate need of comfort. I`m not saying neglect him, but he needs to be more independent. You have to let him scream for a while, ( about 5 mins at a time). When he starts walk away and say, " mommy and daddy love you but you have to play for a while". Children need their space to learn and grow. How is he going to explore and grow in your arms? I have a thirteen month old in my daycare that is doing the very same thing your child is doing. The mother made a habit out of picking the child up all the time, and she rocks him to sleep every night. Unfortunately she only gets 4 hours sleep every night because he wakes up, all the time to be rocked or held or given attention to. You have to teach your child when is the right time for cuddling and snuggling. When your child is hurt, sick, or tired. If his screaming gets out of hand, put him in a playpen in another room for 5 minutes, ( you may need a time out from his tantrum). Don`t be afraid to be firm.. Tell him, "we love you but we can`t pick you up"..

Answer 8

it seems like you don't discipline him when he gets demanding.
you need to let him know that he can't throw fits just because mom can't hold him right at that second.
instead of trying to get him to go play somewhere, when she's cooking, put him in the highchair and let him paint, or color or something in the kitchen with her. there's no reason why she can't cook or clean. she just hasn't used her imagination enough. holding him isn't gonna solve your problems. he's a toddler, and he need to be using his imagination as well in order to be content when he gets older, or otherwise he'll just go around whining all the time when certain people don't want to play or give him 100% attention.

toughen up and show him how to use his imagination when you guys get busy.

Answer 9

This isn't unusual, you're not alone, and there are solutions.

It is obvious your son really likes being held so now your job is to pick him up when he is doing things you like.

This probably sounds a little strange, but he will do more of whatever you are doing when you pick him up. If you pick him up when he is screaming, he will scream more. If you pick him up when he is crying, he will cry more. If you pick him up when he is kicking, he will kick more.

The good news is that if you pick him up when he smiles at you he will smile more, if you pick him up when he is playing quietly by himself, he will play quietly by himself more, and so forth. (I know it sounds weird to pick him up while he is playing nicely, but if you want that to happen more often, trust me on this!)

At first you will have to reward any slight improvement in his behavior. So at first don't pick him up until he takes a breath from crying or stops for even an instant. In a while he will realize that you are picking him up when he stops fussing. Once this happens you will get bigger and bigger pauses in the fussing and you can wait slightly longer to pick him up.

When you pick him up because he has stopped crying or when he is doing something you like, make a big fuss over him.

Obviously there will be times when he is crying for a good reason and you will need to tend to him, but for times when he is just wanting to be held constantly, try doing this. You may see that he will cry a little more for a few days, but this will go away as long as you make sure to pick him up and snuggle him when you see him doing desirable things.

Good luck! Enjoy your little guy.

Answer 10

He all he wnats to do is scream but him in a play pen or a crid in another room and eventually he will clam down. Then let him out when he is quite. Put him in the buggy and when he starts to scream ignore him and let him get it out who really cares what other people think. You are not beating him so what can they do right.