narcissistic personality disorder - I need help?

Question

Hello,

My wife and I have been having some major issues and yesterday I was at a book store reading a book that blew me away! Long story short - I found that I have an issue "narcissistic personality disorder". The book pretty much told what I have been putting my wife through. The problem is I want help and the only thing I can find is to go therpy. Does anyone have anywhere else I can go to fix this issue? The book I was reading was more for the victiam and telling them to leave this type of a man, which is not what I want. All that I have found on the web says mostly the same thing. Thanks,

Answer 1

Therapy really is the answer, I'm afraid, but I commend you for being able to recognize the issue. It's often very difficult for people to acknowledge the very painful feelings and sense of shame that is the core of narcissistic personality disorder, but if you were already able to do this, you should do exceedingly well in therapy. Therapy seeks to help you by both increasing your ability to tolerate your own feelings (which are often very painful ones) while you attempt to change the cognitive distortions that you were taught, often very early as a child, that are at the root of the shame. They generally tend to center on unrealistic expectations of yourself which then get projected onto those around you and they generally involve a need to be perfect in order to feel good enough. Narcissistic personality evolves when we are taught to loathe basic traits about ourselves that are perceived as less than desirable when in reality they are often just natural human tendencies and needs. Therapy will also help you to begin to recognize the ways in which you project these inner conflicts onto others and to stop your behavior from destroying the bond between you and those closest to you, and especially from passing the distorted beliefs and expectations onto your own children. Narcissism is often confused as being excessive self-love (which is how the defenses make it appear) when in reality it is actually intolerable self-hatred and shame and the need is to become more accepting of your own feelings and needs in order to then become more accepting of the same in others.

Here is an excerpt from an answer to a previously posted question about narcissism which I answered which explains the dynamics. I am hoping you will not be offended as it does not paint the experience of being with a narcissistic person in a positive light, but since you alreay read a book on it, this info should not strike you as new and it sounds like you have the strength to hear how your behavior comes across:

Narcissism


Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual disorder and the dynamics stem from an underlying sense of shame- there is actually a core sense of inadequacy that narcissistic personalities feel, however they use the defenses of projection and reaction formation in order to cope with the sense of shame by blaming other people and convincing themselves that they are special.
Narcissists have generally been wounded (the term "narcissistic wounds" means injuries inflicted to someone's sense of self) early in life by being made to feel they are never good enough and constantly told they are inadequate. These experiences cause the classic "narcissistic shame" that they feel and results in "narcissistic rage" reactions whenever they feel that someone is somehow disrespecting them or that someone's behavior reflects badly on them as it triggers those old wounds. They are extremely sensitive to anything they perceive as criticism or disrespect and overreact with rages. The people in their life that they are closest to become the targets for this rage (narcissists expect everyone to make up for all the love and appreciation they never got as children) and they are made to feel that they are never good enough (narcissists project their own sense of inadequacy onto those they love in order to not feel it themselves). They make their spouses and children feel they are worthless-again projecting their own feelings onto those around them.
Another trait exhibited by narcissists is that they come across as extremely arrogant and self-righteous and seem self-confident. This is the defense mechanism called reaction formation in action. They see themselves as "special" and that only other especially talented and bright people can understand and relate to them. They constantly feel that they don't get the recognition and respect that is their due and explain it by believing that others are too stupid and ignorant to appreciate them. They are often envious of others who seem to have "more" than they have as narcissists feel they are more entitled than others. They also tend to be preoccupied with fantasies of success, recognition, fame, etc. as they need this in order to fill up the empty pit of inadequacy they feel.
Narcissists appear extraordinarily selfish. Everything that matters to them is about them. They have little capacity to appreciate the needs or feelings of others as they themselves are empty pits of need and are too preoccupied with getting their own needs fulfilled to care about the needs of others. Think of it like this- they are unable to give what they never got themselves. Other people are important to them only to the degree that the other person reflects positively on them either by conveying some status to the narcissist or by worshipping the narcissist. Again, it's all about them.
Just from a historical perspective, because it's interesting, the term narcissism comes from the greek myth of narcissus who was so self-absorbed and in love with himself that he spent hours staring at his own reflection in the pond. His arrogance offended the Gods and they turned him into the flower, the narcissus.
Probably a whole lot more than you wanted to know, but that's it in a nutshell. There are degrees of narcissism, and not all show every characteristic. In defence of narcissists, and in order to work with them in therapy, you have to continually bear in mind that their behavior (which is often obnoxious) reflects very low self-esteem and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing. It's important to bear that in mind because this is so well hidden by their defenses that it often goes unrecognized and it takes time to develop a true therapeutic alliance with them in order for them to feel safe enough to share this.

Again I commend you on your insight as it isn't easy to recognize this in ourselves and it's often very difficult to confront in therapy because any negative feedback is so traumatizing and triggering. I hope that this is helpful to you and I applaud your efforts!

Answer 2

A personality disorder in general is something that would have existed for practically your entire adult life. Narcissistic personality disorder is complex and pretty unique. You may wish to ask a professional for their opinion before deciding that this is you. The fact that you're uncomfortable with some of your behavior indicates that treatment may be helpful for you. You may wish to see a therapist, or for you and your wife to go to marriage counseling.

Answer 3

I would assume if you continued to stay in the self-help section of that bookstore you would not only find more things that are wrong with you but perhaps even the remedies too. What a time we live in, there's a diagnosis for anything and everything. ADD, AHD< LCD< LMNOP....Take a pill, take a shot, go to therapy, see a shrink, check in to a rehab....Where does it all end? My Grandfathers rehab was taking my pops out behind the wood shed.

Answer 4

Well done for recognizing the problem, nothing in life is black and white, so a blanket statement like leave him doesn't sound very wise to me. I'd start with my G.P. I hope you get the help you are looking for and it is not brushed aside. I think you are part way there in wanting to solve this problem. remember knowledge is power and with this interwebby thingy information is out there, sorry I couldn't be more succinct in my answer, but good luck.

Answer 5

I dont think of it incredibly is a sickness as such, yet i tend to be extremely much less emotional than many people, it incredibly is a double edged sword - I dont get the super highs that some people get, yet nor do i'm getting the super lows the two. in this appreciate i might say i'm greater balanced than maximum, loose to apply my rational and logical concepts hemisphere, instead of my emotional one.