Can someone help me with my ill mother please?

Question

My mother has been diagnosed with both Alzheimers and Epilepsy, after 55 years of good health.

Recently her behaviour has become erratic and she has, on occassion, been aggressive towards both myself and my father. Of course this is a part of her condition and the side-effects of the medication so she is not to blame; I asked my father if he would ever consider leaving her to put her in a care home, and this is the answer her gave:

'I'd feel the same about leaving your mother in a care home as I would about driving off and leaving Casper (our cat) in the woods; guilt would tear me apart, and I'd spend the rest of my days wondering what became of them,'

Whilst I understand his sentiment, would you say the analogy was a accurate?

I highlight that both of parents have my full support and love.

Thanks!

Answer 1

of course not. you can't compare his wife to a damn cat. that was a rude comment

Answer 2

My Father is 80 and has Alzheimers - diagnosed 6 years ago. In the past 12 months he has deteriorated considerably and, at first, my Mother was always impatient with him. Now however she has accepted his condition and I feel that recently she has become more understanding and patient. As his condition deteriorates, I occasionally bring up the subject of him becoming so bad that she cannot cope (she's 78) and maybe he will end up having to go into care. Acceptance of that fact is OK when it is not an actual reality and that's when the guilt will kick in. Your Father is telling it like it is, and has grasped the nearest thing (the cat) as a comparison. I'm sure he's not being disrepectful nor unsympathetic. It's a dreadful disease: one not understood unless you're in close contact with it, and I sympathise wholeheartedly. Good luck for the future and the best of health possible wished to your Mother. xx

Answer 3

I can understand why he said what he did, but I don't agree with him. He probably feels that he would be betraying her or abandoning her by putting her into someone else's care. However, what's he's forgetting is that he wouldn't really spend the rest of his days wondering what became of her. It's not really abandonment as he could continue to visit her and be a big part of her life. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions for the welfare of others: just recently I had to choose to have a beloved pet put to sleep rather than see him suffer any longer. Sending his wife into care may cause him some pain and guilt, but it may be the best thing for her in the long run. The three of you should discuss this, i.e. work out what is truly the best thing for your mother in the long term. Whatever decision you come to, it will have been made with her best interests in mind and nobody should feel any guilt.

Answer 4

James,
I don't know if you are in the US or another country so what I say may or may not apply. In the US there are now homes that deal with Alzheimer's patients only. They are staffed by people who are specially trained to deal with Alzheimer's Pt's. If you and your dad are going to keep her at home then I suggest that you get some formal care training and advise on how to deal with an Alzheimer's pt. They do have a tendency to become combative and violent. Unfortunately they can become a danger to themselves and others. I also understand how your dad feels about skill nursing home placement. Loved ones often see that as "throwing" the sick person away or abandonment of some type.What you are going through is not an easy thing and you have my prayers and sympathy. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

I can't tell you what to do, it is a very hard decision but if you do decide for a home, contrary to recent press, there are some good ones with very dedicated carers, I know, I'm one.

However, I've been on both sides. My Mam had a massive stroke when she was 50 and I was 15, she was in a coma for six weeks. Long story cut short, Dad and I looked after her at home ... what didn't help was when he contracted Parkinsons when I was about 19. Still I was determined, they weren't going in a home. After a lot more strokes which brought the dementia on - not nice at all - she died at home when I was 30. It was a quiet summer Saturday evening with just the doctor, Dad and I (and her cats) in the house. That was the only time I really saw Dad cry .... within a week, at her funeral, he'd let go of his self-control and the dementia was overtaking him too.

I was still determined, he wasn't going into a home, I looked after him. I kept my resolve right up until a couple of months before he died four years later and the SS (social services - I'll never forgive them for this) took over. They insisted he went into a nursing home. He was there for .... six days, he had a bout of diarrhoea and they sent him back to hospital as a precaution, he contracted MRSA and was gone within a month or two.

I'm not trying to give you an easy answer, it is ... hard (I nearly swore but I don't swear and I wouldn't be doing my parents' memories any favours by doing so in their names). You have to do what you feel is right by them. Homes have the personnel, expertise, facilities and equipment but they don't know them like you do.

I'll never regret choosing to care for my parents, I'd probably do it again if I had my time over but it involves sacrifice both materially and emotional (I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face - but mainly because 10 years after Mam died and six years since my Dad died I still miss them so much). I've told my nieces and nephews that the moment I can't look after myself they're to find the best home they can and put me in.

I had wonderful parents, it sounds like you do too. I wish you all the best for the future but don't try to do anything alone, take all the help they offer.

Answer 6

have you ever had her thyroid checked, and has she been examined for lyme ailment? Thyroid ailment, or adrenal ailment, might reason precisely what you're describing and "fixing" it extremely is so undemanding as giving her a pill. additionally evaluate that a canines it is afraid of prevalent issues and noises is in basic terms going to worsen because of the fact whilst some thing demanding occurs, there is an computerized and out of control physiological reaction that produces adrenaline and corticosteroids, and those hormones stay lively for as much as a week, leaving her on edge. each and every time some thing else demanding occurs, there is yet another spike, and at last you wind up with a canines it quite is "chronically under pressure" and finally ends up with actual themes like heart ailment. questioning approximately what handed off or why she is the way she is won't replace that she is frightened. suitable instruction with the aid of desensitization and counter conditioning is the only ingredient which will help. Seven won't be "old" for a GSD, even in spite of the shown fact that it extremely is an admirable age. you are able to attempt to touch a nicely versed expert coach and notice in case you are able to gain some outcomes before she passes away on her very own, or you are able to end her existence. no you are able to nevertheless - or could - make that determination for you. You seem to be conscious that a existence spent in a kennel or crate isn't probable a existence in any respect. make a determination, and despite determination you're making, comprehend that it is the the perfect option one for you and your canines. stable good fortune!

Answer 7

I don't think the analogy works. For a start, you and your father wouldn't be abandoning your mother, you would be placing her in the care of professionals and visiting her often, probably daily.
My grandmother suffered from Alzheimer's, and it was very upsetting seeing her change from one day to the next, able to recall things from years ago, yet not recognise her own son.
In the end, she went into a care home, and it was the best decision all round. She wasn't living with my mum and dad (never had), and it wasn't a viable option. But at home she would wander out at all times of day and night, often in her nightclothes, or leave the door open. She also started to have hallucinations, and think people were in the house or taking things.
In the care home, we knew she was secure 24 hours a day, and there were nurses on standby if she needed them.
I think it is admirable of your father to want to care for her, but in the future he may need to have some help in caring for her, either with someone coming out to the house, or placing her in care. It is probably worth starting to look round places, if only to get an idea of what is available in your area, so that if the time comes when she does need constant care, you won't be rushing around to organise something.
All the best of luck.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

Just a few years ago- everyone cared for their loved ones at home.. I think it is admirable that your father wants to.

However- he needs support, not just from the family but from social services, the NHS and any other support you can get i.e. Alzheimers support groups and carers groups..

He can receive respite either from the social services or charity's such as mc millan nurses.

If her aggression continues- talk to her doctor.

You could contact the alzheimers society and request information on care homes, they'll have leaftlets/booklets on choosing a suitable placement.

Answer 9

Your dad is suffering to. He feels helpless. You need to talk to a support group. He may mean by his comment that he knows that someday he will have to put her in a home but his loyalty won't let him for now. His job is great and he needs all the help and support he can get now. See if you can talk him into some day help taking care of your mom is a 24 hours a day 7 day a week job and he may be depressed and overwhelmed. I pray for all of you. My sister who is 51 just got the same diagnoses.

Answer 10

A sad situation to witness after 55 yrs of good health. If your father is devoted to your Mum, then let him shower her with his Love, Care and Attention but step in if you see your Fathers Health starting to deteriorate and find alternative solutions, Maybe a Care Home with daily access or some other kind of Support.

Answer 11

Greetings! You are a blessed family. That you have a sick to nurse. It is the greatest opportunity in your and your dear father's life that you accumulate great good deeds to your account for accountability and judgment. Keep on doing your good to the sick lady. She had nursed you with greater patience and smiles when you were an infant. And her favours to your father are known to him. May I add that I am with you in my prayers! Amen* Please keep her in the home, not in a hospice sort of place.