Am I being unreasonable?

Question

I have been with my husband for almost 12 years. We have 2 children.

He has lied to me on several ocassions over the years-even from the beginning. Lies range from: being in the Gulf War; I didn't rent that video; to pictures of him and his ex taken early in our relationship-found years later; to taking money out of our account without telling me(one time-years ago $300, and recently it's like $20 here and there); to lies about what time he gets home (he enjoys his alone time after work).

I doubt he's cheating, but I wonder why does he lie to me? I wish I could trust him. He thinks I am too bossy and says I treat him like a child.

When I catch him in a stupid lie, his response is: "It wasn't important". My answer is: "if it wasn't important, then why lie about it?!" Am I wrong for over reacting to little lies?

I wonder where does he draw the line when it comes to telling me the truth? We've had counseling off and on, when it flares up, then we're ok...for awhile.

Answer 1

Maybe he really does just need some personal space. I know I need some time alone. I am a better everything when I have had my own de-stress time. And as far as the money goes, maybe he needs to have his own account that an allowance you can agree on gets deposited. Then he can have his personal spending money and he won't feel he needs to lie about it. And maybe you need to let go of any little lies that are more than a year old and any big lies that are more than 5 years old. Neither of you are perfect, he loves you even though you are bossy and tend to micro-manage, but he deals with it be having little escapes. Either look the other way at his escapes, or try to stop mothering him. Sometimes till death do us part is hard, but everything you built is worth a whole lot more than $20 omissions and little white lies.

Answer 2

Maybe the gulf war thing was to impress you. So what if you found pictures of him and his ex from when you first met. Maybe he was not sure that he wanted to be with you yet. Put that to rest. And nobody should be accountable for everything that they do or spend every second. Everybody needs pocket money. The $300.00 now that's a different story. Don't grill him all the time. People do need to have alone time too. Back off and don't sweat the small things. You said it your self, you doubt he's cheating. So give him some breathing room, or he just might get tired of it. And remember you are not his mother.

Answer 3

You are not going to like this answer, but men are very simple. They lie because it is easier to lie to you than tell you the truth. That's it. If you get upset over something time and again when he tells you the truth, he is going to lie.
The Gulf War thing, maybe that was to impress you since it sounds like it happened when you first met.
The $20 here and there, might be that he forgot about it and was too embarrassed to say so.

If he is telling you you are too bossy and treat him like a child it is most likely because he feels that you do. Perhaps you should ask him in what way you make him feel that way?

It sounds to me like you are both profoundly unhappy in this marriage and need either more intensive counselling until you can change your behaviors or to no longer be together. Whatever you decide, you DO need to communicate more if you want to keep any relationship alive. His lying is an attempt not to communicate, and your being upset about it is also a stumbling block.

Good luck, been there, HTH

Answer 4

You are not over-reacting. If he lies over small stuff, he'll definitely lie over big stuff. You are treating him like a child, but this is because he is acting like a child. Children lie over small things - adults don't usually feel the need to, unless they have something they need to hide. If what happened wasn't important, he would not feel the need to lie - lies are for hiding the truth when you know that the telling the truth will get you into more trouble.

Good luck - I fear you'll need it before this is resolved.

Don't be too sure about the cheating, either. There's a reason he feels the need to constantly hide the truth from you.

Answer 5

No, I don't think you are overreacting. Marriage is about trust and commitment, how can you trust a man who lies about those things? If he thinks you're being bossy, he is obviously just being defensive. I would have a talk with him explaining that this is not what marriage is about, that he may enjoy living through lies, but you find it appauling (providing that's the way you feel). Do you want your children growing up thinking that it's acceptable to lie about everything? Tell him he is setting a bad example for your children, if he doesn't seem to care and just keeps lieing about everything, then it's up to you if you stay or go.

Answer 6

Are you accepting of what he says when he tells you the truth? If he wants to avoid unpleasant experiences and he feels it is a small thing, then I can understand why he lies. But if the things he is doing are really bad, then the fact that he's lying along with the bad things he's doing , it is enough to warrant getting very upset with him.

Answer 7

If he lies to you, then you can't trust him. Period. And if you can't trust him than what kind of relationship do you realy have? Councilling is great, but if he's still lying to you after what sounds like years, it doesn't sound like he is willing to or going to change. No, you're not over reacting. Trust and honesty is at the heart of any solid relationship, and if you don;t have that, you need to start asking yourself some serious questions about whether you want to or should be with this guy.

Answer 8

this is going to be harsh, but i think that you'll thank me, if you read all of this. firstly, i just want to say shame on you. i understand that you love him, but NEVER stay married to someone just for the kids. if you catch him in little lies, then you can NOT trust him. if he would lie about such miniscule things, who knows what he'd lie about when it comes to bigger things. i do not think you are over-reacting, but you need to CHANGE your reaction. in other words DIVORCE HIM. divorce him before something really big happens. the number one component in a successful, healthy marriage is TRUST. if you don't have that from both ppl, then your marriage is a joke. i've been married for almost 6 yrs, so i do know what i'm talking about. i hope you do the smart thing, and get him out of your life, hun. it will be hard, but good luck!

Answer 9

While I am not taking sides, forgive me. I think he lies because if he tells the truth you are after him like a wolf. Nagging him, scolding him, raising your voice and give him silent angry look. If that is the case, he rather lie to you to avoid such situations..

Ask yourself what is your contribution towards his lie.. If I am wrong, I am sorry.. then he is a perpetual liar.

Answer 10

He could be a habitual liar...most lies are harmless, but still it's a major character flaw. Your children may catch onto what he is doing then it will be difficult for them to respect him. Maybe if he realizes that, he will get into on-going counseling