How do you remain civil with an ex who bad mouths you to your children?

Question

My ex and I were married 8+ years and have been divorced for 4. We have a 6 and a 9 year old together. The problem is that he involves my children in everything. At the beginning they would tell me the things he'd say and I would just try to push it to the side and tell them that they need to be concerned with kid stuff and let me deal with the grown stuff. Recently it has become very harsh and I have had my fill of it. Now I have not talked negatively about him but I find myself being very honest with them because his trash talk is putting my charactor into question. I love my kids and I'm not sure how to take the high road when the talk is so spiteful and wrong. I tell my kids that they know me well enough to know that I do not do those things and tell them that I can't explain why he says what he does, and they become upset with him. He can not get over the marriage and pull himself together, but I don't know how to make him stop pulling them in. Talking to him doesn't work.

Answer 1

My heart goes out to your children. In the end, they're the ones who are going to feel the brunt of their father's angst. My only suggestion is that you remain loyal to your actions and call your ex on his.
Suggest that your children ask him why he believes and says what he does. Practice it at home. Belive it or not, when an adult is asked repeatedly to justify their biases by someone significantly younger, they often back off completely.
Fair warning, they are likely to ask why you do and say some things, too.
Good luck!

Answer 2

As you know, talking to people does not always work. Some are so beyond help that things can't be worked out by communicating. Sad, isn't it? Coming from this exact situation, in which I was one of two children, my mother was always trash talked by my father. He called her awful names and it sometimes made me cry when I was little. The thing was, my mother never called him one bad name. Ever. She was honest about what he had did, but never trash talked him beyond the facts. Your ex needs help, definitely counseling. You can try and help him with his problems, but beyond that there isn't really anything you can do. Don't blame yourself for his wrondoings, and just keep being a great example to your children. Raise them the right way, never lie to them about that kind of stuff and never stoop down to his level. I learned from my dad that I never wanted to be an alcoholic. I learned from my mom that it's possible to remain strong and be an amazing person even when you're always attacked by others. Like I said, always tell them the truth. You can't change anyone else but yourself. People are always going to be rude and try and pull you down with them, but all you can do is rise above it yourself. Set an example for your kids and everyone else. Actions speak louder than words. If you're always honest to your children and are constantly setting a good example for your children do you really think they'll be listening to someone who is constantly putting others down? I think not. Good luck, keep up the good work.

Answer 3

I'm sorry that the kids are being put through this, that usually
the case when there a divorce. but all you can do is be the
better person and let the kids know truth about everything
as they get older they will see what you are all about, kids
understand more then people think. as long as you are
honest with them things will work it self out. as for him
time to get action if needed for him to stop all this
nonsense. good luck to you and the kids.

Answer 4

Have you considered talking to a judge about this problem? It isn't good for you or the children to hear this kind of talk from him. He sounds to be a very bitter man. Maybe a judge could order him into some counseling for the children's sake. Perhaps you should try to contact the judge's office that granted your divorce and make them aware of what is going on. This is considered abuse. Mental abuse can be just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. He certainly isn't teaching your children any good way to act.

Answer 5

Bite your tounge.I know its hard i am haveing the same problem but mine is with his mother. He is going to keep useing them kids a pawns to get back at you and the only one that is going to loose is him.the kids will finally relize whats going on and they will put that on him.Remember bad carma always comes back to times 10.Be the bigger person it will pay off in the end

Answer 6

You must remain civil and try to never let your kids hear you complain. They will see who the crazy one is on their own and think your awe inspiring strong!