Moms of premature babies and bonding?

Question

I was just wondering if any other moms had a hard time bonding with their premature babies? My daughter was born at 27 weeks. We have only just fully bonded in the last couple of months and she will be two in May. She is my third child and I did not have this delay with my others, it was instantaneous. I was not able to breastfeed her like the others. She was in the NICU for almost two months.

One reason I wanted to post this question is because I felt so guilty and sad. If there is another mom out there feeling this way, I wanted her to know she is not the only one.

Answer 1

You are speaking to my heart. Firstly I had my son at 27 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia. I thought that I was totally alone having bonding issues with my preemie. But reading your post, I know that I am not alone. I too had difficulty bonding with my son. I never expressed my thoughts until now. It took me nearly a year (my son is 20 months corrected age) to get that feeling like he was my son. I can't help but think his first 3 months of life spent in the NICU prevented me from bonding with him. When he came home from the NICU I felt like he was someone else's child. Even though I knew that he was my flesh and blood, I did not feel like he was MY child. Maybe the trauma of the premature birth caused my mind to create a safety zone, perhaps a buffer. I did not know if my son was going to die or live. So maybe I unconsciously built a buffer to protect myself from further emotional pain. Besides it was so difficult to get close to my son. There were so many tubes, monitors, wires etc going in and out of him. The only time of contact was through kangarooing and feedings. I am so happy now to feel like my son and I are one. The lack of a feeling of a bond hurt so much and I felt so racked with guilt. There mere fact that I could not bring my child to full term was a huge obstacle for me and I still cry at times knowing the trauma that we all went through. Today we are all doing great and my son is perfectly healthy, (no retinopothy, etc.) Thank you so much for your post! I do not feel alone anymore. Wishing you and your family the very best. Best regards.

Answer 2

I'm sorry you feel so guilty and sad. This was totally beyond your control. The outcome was normal, tho sad, because breastfeeding and having the baby in your arms actually produces chemicals in you (since you breastfed the others, you probably know this) that produce feelings of well-being and nurturance. You and your dear one were deprived of this process by the same medical science which saved her life.

My dear husband was a preemie and his mother never ever bonded with him. The hole in his heart from that will never close but his mom is very cold and didn't have the love and concern that you do.

Guilt is an appropriate emotion when we have violated our own standards voluntarily. You have not done this. So, your guilt is 'inappropriate' and you should tell yourself, when you start beating yourself up, that you are a hero (managing a preemie with kids!) and you did not in any way ACT to hurt your daughter. Seriously, find the words that make sense to you, and then challenge that inappropriate guilt with the truth.

As far as sadness, yes, somethings are irretrievable and all we have from them are sadness. But you have a 2 year old daughter who is now bonded to you. We have that choice - i struggle ever day since suddenly losing my precious father - to focus on what we've lost or focus on what we have.

Answer 3

My friends son was born at 27 weeks and like you she did not feel the bond untill he was almost 2.. She said she didnt know why but she just didnt feel the motherly conection to him. He was in the hospital for almost 2 months as well. She held him for the first time at 32 weeks and felt then that she had to ask for permission to do things with her own child.. She felt bad and talked to me about it as well. Maybe it is just the fact that you was unable to breast feed that sepperated the bonding moment. Or that ya'll was seperated for so long before she came home... Be glad that you have the bond with her now and cherrish it.. Pretty soon she will want to be on her own....

Answer 4

Not all babies and mothers bond instantly, it's nothing to feel guilty about you love her and care about her. I knew a mother who didn't bond with her child til her sixth month. She also suffered from depression after the baby. Your hormones go up and down after every birth so it's all different, and no she is not the only one.

Answer 5

thanks, that makes me feel a lot better! My son was not that early, but being crippled has made it very difficult for me to hold him much, and I've been having a lot of guilt about it - he's such a sweet little guy, and is always smiling and gurgling when I talk or sing to him, but I've heard so much about the importance of holding them, I feel like I'm a bad mother... I know it's not quite the same situation, but you made me feel better, thank you!