My husband told me today that he got married because he felt it was the "right" thing to do, and that if he didn't feel obligated to do so, he probably wouldn't have gotten married. We both come from a religious background where premarital sex and living together is considered sinful. However - within that, there are plenty of happy marriages and people who got married because of LOVE. My husband said he wanted to be with me, but that since our marriage he feels a lot of obligation to do the things that make a marriage work, but it's not neccessarily coming from the heart. I don't beleive in fairy tales, but I am devastated by this. I feel unloved and like a chore. I was young when I got married, I feel that I made a mistake of marrying a man that doesn't truly love me. Should I call it quits now? He says he wants to work on it, but I feel that if you started without love, how can you make it appear? It's been 4 years of insecurity and some happy moments. I feel like it's all a lie.
2007-03-17 15:54:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all I am sorry for your problem. I think you should work on it. I got married for love and because of the same reason you two did. I did not know my husband like I should have before hand and I was surprised by what I found, but I still think I want to try. In your case, love can come with time. Think of all those arranged marriages from ages ago, I am sure a lot of them fell in love eventually. Do not back out of your marriage just because it is the easy thing to do. Go out fighting for your marriage and that way you'll have no regrets if it does not work out.
2007-03-17 16:07:44 · answer #1 · answered by thecrazycatlady12 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can see why you would be extremely hurt. But, you shouldn't feel like YOU made a mistake, if He is the one who pretty much got married under false pretenses, and led you to believe that he was marrying you because he felt a deep love for you, rather than just an "obligation". I would feel as you do, that possibly the last four years of your life was a waste of time and energy on your part. Without knowing what made him tell you these truths NOW rather than THEN, It's hard to know what would motivate him to hurt your feelings this way. He would have to know that this would hurt. Does he feel like he missed out on something? You said you were young, and I'm assuming in-experienced when you married? Love does certainly grow with time, but it would be difficult to believe him from this point on. I just don't get WHY he would give you this news, but then say, "but hey, I still want to work on it!" Seems rather cruel. Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum, by saying, "If you have no love for me then you are going to be the one to LEAVE." After all, it wasn't you who has been living this lie. I wish you well.
2007-03-17 16:22:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i read your other questions
pertaining to your marriage
you're a very nice woman
super hot
and should have a great relationship w/a man
nice to see you
moving in the right directions
re: becoming more your own woman
...as an individual
and in the marriage
(away from excessive control by others)
getting the idea
that your husband
had an emotionally rocky youth
guessing that he and his brother
pulled together in support
believe that your husband
is confused about his
sexual orientation
his religion tells him
that he's not "supposed" to be....gay
perhaps
he's not
lines were blurred
when he and his brother
bonded
love the man
leave the marriage
nothing bad is happening here
MUCHO counseling
could give you a few more years together
you both could find
a degree
of happiness
in this marriage
religious strictures
and embarassment of failure
should not
replace
true
love
true love
being....
the love
that has
the truth
of
god
speak
honestly
w/each other
know
that
you'll
always
love
one
another
as
you
both
grow
in
the
directions
you
need
g'luck
2007-03-17 16:22:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Definitely don't call it quits....Work on your problems i'm sure that he loves you now and that is all that matters.If you have kids,then everything is changed you have to think about the kids.Your husband wants to work on it so give him a chance.
If he still feels like its a chore to be married and you both are unhappy then get separated for a while before thinking about divorce and then see how you feel about each other.
Give it a chance before you do anything else...But you do have every right to feel the way you do.Just work on it and see how it goes..Ask him to tell you how he feels now and what he's willing to do in order not to lose you.Also ask why he feels you should still be together.Good luck and i hope you fix you're problem.
2007-03-17 16:01:26 · answer #4 · answered by Digz 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im sorry.Yet he must feel something for you, or else you would have never made it to the altar or to a place where he felt obligated.Tell him how you feel and ask him if he loves you at all.The other thing you can do is instead of rehashing all the "feelings" and such, start acting like you really love him, plan dates doing things he likes, he may start behaving a little differently towards you.Pretend your dating.Meet him at the door in a raincoat,surprise him, he may realize he has a good thing and decide he's glad he married you... for ANY REASON.
2007-03-17 16:00:46 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He pretended to love you...how is that any less of a "sin" than living together outside marriage or premarital sex? His marriage is based on a lie, and he "settled" for you. Of course you are hurt, most people would be.
Considering you've been together as long as you have and love hasn't developed for him, I think it's completely acceptable for you to want to end the marriage without taking any additional steps.
He's got a real misguided idea of life and relationships. Don't waste another moment of your time...this life is too short not to be with someone you really dig, who digs you back. I hope you find that on your path ahead.
2007-03-17 15:59:24 · answer #6 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For a man to admit this doesn't show he has true respect for his own religious beliefs or in the sacred commitment of marriage. What kind of man claims to live his life religiously and stands up in front of God swearing that he will love, honor, and cherish a woman and then tells her he only married her because he felt obligated to. The man speaks with a forked tongue and if he lied in front of his family, friends, you, and God what makes you think he will keep his promise to continue a lifelong commitment. I would be thoroughly outraged with his attitude and wouldn't trust another word out of his mouth. The kind of comment that he has made would make me feel as though he was staying married out of pity for me instead of love if I were in your shoes. Do you want someone to stay with because he loves you or just to save face for himself that he is a really a lying and cold hearted man? Get away from this sorry excuse of a man and find someone that knows what love and commitment really means.
2007-03-17 16:10:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is VERBAL ABUSE.
I have spoken to 100s of women who like me, were physically AND verbally abused and EVERY-ONE agrees that VERBAL abuse is worse.
It always begins with comments like these basically
I'm a good man who did the right thing; you have let me down it's your fault.
If you are DEVASTED then it is ABUSE.
Leave him NOW. Do not walk BUT run.
Otherwise the abuse will increase until the beatings this 'kind' man gives you will feel like it's your fault and you will be all alone.
If you have friend to help you, cut up his favourite clothes, destroy his favourite things and leave a note explaining what a chore it was punishing him for his abuse.
Then get all the money out of your accounts and go to a lawyer.
2007-03-17 16:04:38 · answer #8 · answered by teacher groovyGRANNY 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been married for 41 years, I knew my wife about three weeks before we got married. I just knew it was right and it proved true. I don't know what Love is and will not even try to explain it to anybody. This I will say to you, sit down with your husband and explain it just as you wrote it ...Get the answer you are looking for..Don't go thru life not knowing if its right or not.. I don't regret a minute of our marriage, and believe me we have had a few doozies.....but three kids and six grandkids adds up to what I have accepted as Love.....Nuf Said
2007-03-17 16:02:27 · answer #9 · answered by Elo Fudpucker 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW! There are men out there that really know how to show that they love you. I was married for 18 years. My ex just didn't want to live alone. He didn't marry me for love, and I lived the best years of my life miserable. Now I have a man that treats me with respect, kindness, lovingness, etc. I think his mold was accidently broke. Gosh, I'm a very lucky woman.
2007-03-17 16:01:13 · answer #10 · answered by tlcnc 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋