Any advice on how to deal with my husband's attitude?

Question

My husband is SO competitive in everything from arguments over nothing that mount in to mountains if I say anything, to playing family games - if he's losing he gets mad and then quits! I have tried laughing, I have tried keeping my mouth shut. I have gotten angry and then it's really escalated. A few times in the past he was very disrespectful to me in front of his kids. It's as if he has to show me he is in control. His ex-wife wore the pants in the previous marriage. I tell & show him appreciation, shower him with gifts, etc. and try my best to show him I love him. I have learned to keep my mouth shut and put up with his kids disrespect, having no rules, no responsibilities and being allowed to trash the house. They have no respect for him and none for me. I love my husband, but the stress of the ex-wife's interference (which does seem to be less at times) and the behavior of the kids is almost more than I can bear. ANY suggestions would be most welcomed. Thank you.

Answer 1

Sounds like he's still carrying a lot of baggage from his first marriage. Obviously you should both go to therapy to learn ways and methods to deal with communication and respect but really HE should go to therapy to deal with his leftover feelings and stop putting them on you.

For yourself I say you need to set firm boundaries. He may "wear the pants" but it's your house and your life too. You deserve respect as much as anyone else. If your husband is bent on controlling everything and everyone then you need to make clear how much you will live with comfortably. If he is disrespectful, state plainly that you won't tolerate being treated like that and walk away. Sounds like anything you do makes him mad so just pick something that at least protects you at the same time. Try to be non-judgemental and respectful when you say your piece, be ready to nod, be understanding but don't allow things to escalate into name-calling and other childish tactics. And don't turn it all into "the ex is a harridan and you need to ...." it's not your place to tell him how to handle his relationship, but you have the right to tell him how you want to be treated!

Be firm about your own protection but be understanding about his struggle.

Answer 2

Have you ever thought that MAYBE ,just MAYBE what you are going thru is what the ex wife went thru?Instead of wearing the pants in the family, she just didnt give in to him?OOOOOPS.Did you know he was like this BEFORE you married him?If so and you married him anyway, you gave up the right to complain.No , you cannot change him or fix him.The only thing you CAN do is tell him either you both go to a marriage counselor or call it quits.If he refuses, leave for a while, BUT keep the door open seeing men have to realize you are REALLY going to go thru with a divorce before SOME of them will be willing to be honest with theirself and consider changing.Some will just divorce instead of give in.You'll find out which guy you have.

Answer 3

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about all this! Pick a time when he is relaxed and it is just the two of you. He will not want to hear what you say, but let him know how much it upsets you and how much a strain it is putting on your relationship. If he cannot or will not change, my best advice is to see a counselor or leave the marriage! This type of stress is not good for you or your self-esteem!

Answer 4

the first thing I would do if I were you is to sit him down and tell him exactly how he makes you feel. If he doesn't mean to, he'll try harder to not take you for granted. If he means to, well, he's not what you signed up for. The kids are only learning from him how to treat you. As far as his ex wife, take her to lunch, talk with her. If you are going to stay with these people, you have to teach them how to treat you. Figure out what your personal boundaries are and then,,,well, let it be known. Make sure you are always respectful to all of them though. Even when they don't deserve it.

Answer 5

There should always be rules. Rules in life such as; laws and rules in the family such as;always leave the house as if you weren't there. Then it always tends to be picked up.

The kids not treating you with respect has nothing to do with you. It's just misplaced stress.

The father is the boss though and he should be the enforcer. he is trying to be the comforter which is really your job.

Just need to reassign the tasks it's no big deal.

Answer 6

sorry to be the one to tell you but you married a child instead of a man. He has self image problems and the only possibility of saving this one would have to come from a counselor. He has already beaten you down to the point where you tolerate disrespect. Trust me - it will only get worse and you will end up being beaten down to the point that you won't have any respect for yourself either. I would tell him that either things get fixed or he can get gone.

Answer 7

My mom use to get out the broom in the old days it sure did work alot better then all these people on therapy She would clear a room in the matter of seconds

Answer 8

He is taking you for granted. And so are the kids.
Make the kids pick up and teach them manners.
Just leave little notes around and if they dont work, speak up, and if that dont work, get the heck out and find a real man.

Answer 9

your being abused and don't know it! you should get out of that mess, he doesn't sound like he even cares about you,don't you want to be loved and cared for?,that is not love deary, find someone to love you.

Answer 10

just punish him and tell him i dont caare about your problems move on that was the past this is the future.