Help with husband??

Question

Im a new mother..im generally a happy person who has come from a great family with morals and values. He on the other hand has delt with depression for some years now, he whines, hes lazy and doesnt have much to do with our daughter unless i practically make him. Now he's began smoking and drinking. I will not have drinking around my daughter after being around it early in my childhood. I feel like im the reason his life is so crappy now, thats how he makes me feel. Ive been sleeping on the couch the last few nights and he doesnt even care. He sleeps just fine. I dont believe in divorce but my happiness is going down the drain. I train horses full time and raise her full time. All he does is work a few hours a day and then sleeps the rest. Im fed up??? Any advice?

he is on depression medicine and no he wasnt like this when we met, he was a great person, we have been to a counselor, she says he has all this anger build up from some things in his past and with his personality and depression eh is able to mask how is really is sometimes, hince how i didnt know he was liek this before, but when his depression is at its all time worse he is like jekyl and hyde which scares me. Hes not a violent person though, i used to think or him as strong, sexy and a man now he just acts like a lil boy, im so confused because i know how he was before and i know how he can be..but how long can i hold on to that, i love him so much but i know i need love too, im just so hurt. Its hurts even more to have something good once and him just change it all of a sudden, its crazy. And it makes me so mad that our daughter doesnt make him happy, shes so innocent and happy. This is supposed to be a happy time in our lives. i just dont know what to do.

Answer 1

You already have plenty of answers to your question but none of them identify what appears to me to be happening. Your story is a classic one and in general has been experienced by millions of couples! But it is not a story that everyone wants to explore in detail.

Depression arises from feelings of low self-esteem, fear and shame. Your husband has had these feelings, maybe below his level of awareness until recently, for a long time including when you and he married. Your fear of him drinking around your daughter, because of your early childhood experience, suggests strongly that you suffered from one or more parents who were alcoholic. You may be quite unaware of how deeply this has effected you. Usually, children of alcoholics also lack self-esteem and are fearful, often trying to control those around them. It is probable that you will not even recognize such symptoms in yourself.

There are couple of things a depressive and the child of an alcoholic are likely to share. The first is lack of a strong self identity and the second is, in the hope of solving that problem, getting hooked up with someone you think you can care for. You were like magnets to each other and that provided great satisfaction for some time. Meanwhile, especially since the birth of your child, you have been learning about yourselves and a lesson that is emerging right now is that you can't really help each other. And that's another blow to your self-esteem!

There is good news in this. There are plenty of ways to get help and this counselor is a good step. Be sure that s/he knows your history as well. Your counselor may or may not see or agree with what I have described. In any case, I suggest you do some research. Read anything by Melodie Beattie and check out the 12-step program Al-Anon - check their web-site and find a local meeting you an attend.

The most important things you have to learn are that a) you cannot change your husband - you must let him take responsibility for his own behavior and b) you must learn to look after yourself in ways you probably have never thought of. It takes major commitment to do these things and you will need the support of people who have been there before.

Answer 2

Many people say that having a baby can create a great amount of turmoil in a marriage. Even if the baby was plan. I'm sure by this time you have told your husband what you are feeling and the reason for it. Be direct, look him right in the eye. Don't talk about the trash or caring for the baby, just address the smoking and drinking issues.

You did not mention if you have a support system in place. Sister, mother, good friend that lives in the same town. Caring for an infant 24/7 can take a toll on anyone and if you husband is not going to help you still need to take care of yourself. Even if its only an hour walking around your local park.

I'm a big supporter of the fact you can't change anyone but yourself. If all he does is grip and whine you may need to go to counseling. If he refuse then go by yourself. If you can't afford counseling then ask your local priest or pastor for counseling. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I was not very tolerant in the past not to long ago. God is working on the inside and it's beginning to shine Thur, so this is what I know to tell you. If he is worth the fight, then fight for your husband. We often make the mistake as people come in this world to be just like ourselves and that is not the case. My husband is a little hard around the edges, but I have chipped away some of the roughness and everyday it is a struggle to stop trying to make him just like me and except the things that is not to my liken ( providing it's nothing degrading or disrespectful) If you know he's depressed then you need to go get him some help. Sleeping on the couch, hoping that he comes to his senses, won't help him at all. He's depressed and you should stop blaming yourself unless it's more to the story than you say. Talk to him about the drinking and smoking now. Take him to a doctor and if he does not want to get help, tell him that you can't raise your daughter in that kind of home.

Answer 4

He needs someone to blame for his unhappiness - and it is going to be you. Because he doesn't want to believe that HE is at fault for being unhappy, depressed, lazy, smoking, and turning into an alcoholic. So, rest assured, it is not you. This guy has the problems. (been there with ex - it is 9 years later and he is still miserable, unhappy, clinically depressed and on GF #4). Make a list of what he has to do to stay in this marriage with you, i.e., stop smoking/drinking/get full time job/get anti-depressants/go to counseling/act like like he cares, etc. Tell him you are not going to live this way, but I will give you 3 months to prove to me you will get your act together - or the marriage is over. And then leave him if he doesn't - because he will make you his doormat.

Answer 5

You need to decide what is best for you and your child? Having experienced
early childhood experiences with those that drink, you know where it can lead.
Please don't expose your child to this and please don't blame yourself for his
behaviour. He has made his choice to drink and smoke. If he is suffering
from depression he needs help asap. Depression can be debilitating, and
destructive to your family. I'm not saying that he can help the depression. What
I am saying is that it can cause destruction if not treated. I suffered from
depression when our son, who would now be 41, committed suicide in 1997.
We got help from an awesome Christian Dr. who was also a missionary. He
has seen and heard it all. I was put on Paxil to help with the anxiety attacks &
the counseling helped tremendously. I highly recommend that he seek
counselling before it is too late. You need to take strong action and if it means
you have to issue an ultimatum, then that is what you have to do. You also
need help to cope as it is hard if you are feeling very much alone. God bless
you and the best of everything to you.

Answer 6

If it has progressed to a stop of communication and separate sleeping arrangements added to his drinking, smoking, and depression it may be tough to repair this marriage. My best advice would be to consult your family doctor. If he has depression that bad it could be worked on. As far as whether that helps to remove your resentment you now have - that depends on what you want to do in your own heart. He may just not see the same interests or desires in life that you do(the horses, your daughter, and the marriage). If he is unwilling to talk or seek help then you've already lost the battle. If that's the case you may not have but the one option and that's divorce. You deserve a happy life and so does your daughter, but it takes his desire as well as yours to find the happiness that you need. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Hi, first of all, you are being a great mother, congrats on that, and second of all, you need more than just counceling. You need to tell him that you love him(I assume you do already tell him this), and tell him that you know how great a person he is deep inside, he will come around, you are just going to have to deal with this for a while, if he was a great person then, then he will be again, once he comes around. Tell him that his drinking is not welcomed, and neither is his smoking, and that you love him so much, you are willing to wait all this out, but that you need him involved more with your beautiful baby, and to show yo that he loves you, atleast talk to you, open up, tell him that he can confide in you, re-assure him that you are there to stay, so long as he is open with you. Im glad you dont believe in divorce, neither do I, fight for your love, love is always worth fighting for, and since hes never been physicaly hurtful to you, you know you can wait this out, dont give up, you ARE strong. Im a psychologist, I can try to help you with whatever you need, I know alittle about your situation, Ive heard it before a few times, contack my on my email, I can give you free advice if you would like.

Answer 8

First of all, what made you think that this would be good father material?

Second, of course he's not that interested in her, she's a baby, she doesn't DO anything yet. You are interested because you gestated her, she nourishes from your breast, there is that bond. He really has no way to bond yet, at best he would just be going through the motions. If he were a normal guy he would take an interest as the child's personality starts to develop.

As to your workload, you are a new mother who CHOOSES to train horses full time. If you CHOOSE not to train horses, your workload would be cut in half. He's not a woman, he can't be a mother, that's YOUR job. At this point HIS job is to provide. Now, if YOU chose a guy who is not a provider, then how can you be upset? You chose him.

Answer 9

Yes, I do have a few thoughts for you...read your own letter back to yourself. How does it sound to you? If someone were to come to you and tell you these things what would you tell them? Think about this...do you LOVE him? If the answer is yes, then why do you love him? What is there about him that you love. He is in need of very serious counseling...you both are if you want your relationship to make it. You have so much sadness and unhappiness ahead of you if you let this continue one day longer. Please seek help...you have to be strong. No one likes to think about getting a divorce. They consider it a "failure"...it isn't. Sometimes it's self-preservation. You must take care of yourself and your child before anything or anyone else. Please, Monday morning call and make an appointment for yourself for therapy. Talk to your husband tomorrow - alone - peace and quiet and tell him how you feel. No yelling, no put downs. Just express your sadness and what you both need for your future happiness. Good luck to you my dear.....be strong.

Answer 10

If hes not willing to change then hes not going to. You need to know that its not your fault,,,,thats just how they make us women feel because they are not happy with themselves. We do the best taht we can working,,,,taking care of the kids,the bills and everything else that goes along with a home and relationship. I totally agree with the not drinking thing. I hate it myself,,,,i wish alcohol was illegal. But if hes not willing to do anything to make your realtionship work then you need to seperate from him. Staying with someone because of the kids or because you dont believe in divorce is not going to make anything better honey. You need to look at the big picture and know whats going to be right for you and your daughter.