do u like my poem? be honest?

Question

it is my first real poem.

I know a girl who is just like gold.
Great to see, even better to hold
Shining so bright all the while
Just to see her I’d walk for miles
Even if I wait for many years
As long as I have her there will be no tears
As beautiful as a full blossomed tree
I just know she is the one for me
But if she’s not that would be very bad
But gold is something that not many people have had

Answer 1

Personally, I do not enjoy rhyming couplets so much...

That being said, I really enjoyed your work. You have a lot to work with here.

I see where a couple of other answerers have pointed out that your rhythm is off, and this is easy to notice when you have rhyming words at the end of your lines as people/readers tend to switch to a sing-song approach for rhyming poetry. I like the slant rhyme you have going in lines 3 and 4 with 'while' and 'miles'. You can move away from the rhythm problem either by scanning your poem and making the appropriate adjustments so that the rhythm is the same... or you can increase your line length in some instances and vary your line length in other instances to push the reader away from reading in a sing-song fashion.

At first, I was going to say that your 'gold' metaphor was a bit trite but after reading it a couple more times, I rather like it in the first three lines (and the last two). I would like to see you expand the 'full blossomed tree' especially where the there could be value in being 'as beautiful' as one (comparing the girl to gold, girl to tree and tree to gold).

I really like the implication in the last line that the girl is something worthwhile to pursue though I can see where a more prurient read can be done as well (I'd rather stick with my first impression).

Overall, good effort. It takes work to get good and you've made an excellent start.

Answer 2

Honestly, no. It's trite, sickeningly sweet, and ridiculous in its display. You don't need to rhyme in poetry; actually, I would vote against it. Only seasoned, professional poets can craft a poem with rhymes so that it doesn't sound forced or foolish. If the topic is cliche, the rhyming will only make the poem sound twice as bad. Don't write another love poem unless you can come up with something original. "A girl who is just like gold" is someone that we've seen so many times before.

If you KNOW that she is the one for you, why would you state "if she's not that would be very bad" in the next line? That makes no sense. Revise the last line, it should be roughly the same length as the others in order for it to fit in with the rest of the poem.

Answer 3

2/5 Try this:
I know a girl who's just like gold
great to see, better to hold
Shining so bright for all the while
seeing her i feel a smile
As will pass a many years
with her by my side i shed not any tears
as beautiful as a full blossomed tree
i just know she is the one for me
Around her though times may be bad
being with her just makes me feel glad
and if our love not meant to be
I've held gold and i've felt glee

You don't have to use it's just a suggestion.;)

Answer 4

I dont like the last line. Also there are one or two places where your meter is off, but simply corrected by using contractions. The first line for instance, make who is who's and the rhythmn works better. Same thing goes for the line As long as I have her... change the word to there'll and it flows better. Poets need to read their poems aloud and listen to the rhythmn and flow of it. Yours isnt too bad. Work on the last line a bit though. C.

Answer 5

on the last 2 lines do this and it will be perfect;
But if she's not that would be bad
But gold is somthing not many have had.
just a suggestion...

Answer 6

To be honest, it was a very good poem. For some reason, I liked your ending sentence.

Answer 7

I like the rhyming pattern. Keep up. You could do better...

Answer 8

Yup, I like it!The ending sentence is great.

Answer 9

I love it! I think its really sweat. Great job!

Answer 10

It's good, i like it.