Would you stay or would you go?

Question

My separated "boyfriend" and I have been involved for 2 years and have been living together for 5 months. He has been having a hard time letting go of his wife and his guilt for being with me. He is always available to his wife and is trying to be a good father.

In the meantime, I have been doing everything I can for him and end up coming up empty handed at times. He tells me that he wants a future with me and that it's hard to find a balance between everything. His actions have me completely confused as well because somedays I think he wants to be with me, and the next day I feel unappreciated and unloved.

Would you stand by him while he goes through this? Or would you assume that he could never give you what you need, and move on with your life?

Answer 1

Always being available to his wife, means that the time spent with her, is being taken away from you.
Which also means that can not let go enough to love you like you desire and care for you like you need to be cared for.
His obligations seem to be else where, even though physically he is removed from his wife.

It is hard for you to accept this, but I think deep down inside you feel that you are just a small bandage for his broken heart. I am sure that you are feeling like two years is enough time to get over his wife. But, really it is not.
He has jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

I get the impression that your a caring person, and feel that you want to help his pain. But, at the same time, your unaware that there will be no one there to heal your pain. And your feeling deserted, by all this.
You need to be asking yourself this question:
If his wife said come back, would he go back to her?
Because he is feeling guilty about being with you, and can't let his wife go, the answer is yes.
Which means he cannot give you his heart until he has completely let her go.

The only way, your going to win here, is to leave him and let him get over her. Being alone helps someone in that position realize that they are no longer committed.
Maybe you feel you don't want to leave him, because you will hurt an already hurt man. But, don't think that.
His thoughts are about his wife, even while your hugging him, he is thinking of her.
That is not what you should have in your life.

Answer 2

It is difficult to predict your future, but it seems u still have a special place in his heart. if i understand well, he left his wife to move in with you. The fact that he has kids with this other woman, is stressing him out. Children are every parent's priority and u cannot fight or win the case against that.

I know how you feel rejected at times, bcoz he's dividing his atention outside of your orbit-to his kids, who are living with their mother, and probably that woman is jealous and is also contributing to render your B.F life's complicated, so that he spends most of the time committing to them. Maybe she's threatening him to take the kids away if he doesn't do more than enough, and that can pretty make a father go insane and stressed out. Maybe he's not telling you the truth , bcoz then the drama will get longer- you will probably feel that the wife wants him back, and then you'll start nagging if he has to be with his kids.
I say you book a dinner for your man, and talk about everything on your heart. Tell him how much you love him and love yourself as much. So, you give him a certain amount of time to settle his business, or you rather move on so he can be happy being closer to his children.

Honestly, the guy has gained so much baggage after you two seperated, and it will never be the same again. You can choose to stay, but you will still be unhappy unless he works out custody. Have they filed for divorce, bcoz if he hasn't then you hve no guarantee that things will change.

I hope you decide wisely, and good luck!

Answer 3

Well lets look at the facts. First off, he is still married......he should feel guilty for living with you. To make matters worse he has a kid, and now, by living with you his kid only has a one parent home. He tells you he wants a future with you, but why would he do that when he has the best of all worlds. He can continue to pretend he has a family complete with child, while at the same time have sex with you and not have to live at home. Now thats having your cake and eating it too isn't it. So you ask if you should stand by him. My question to you is a real loud WHY WOULD YOU? I think you are selling yourself short. You are worth alot more than him. You can, and should do better. What am I saying.......well how fair is it that you are probably investing heavily emotionally into this triangle, yet he is having the time of his life. Is that fair to you? And here is the capper....is this the kind of guy you want long term? A guy who when the road gets tough, moves out and into another woman's place....makes love to the other woman while he has a kid, that is the biggest victim of all through this whole drama.......I ask you.......Is that what you want?......Good Luck!

Answer 4

You are between the proverbial rock and hard place. You have already given this guy your all and at the same time you have to share him with his WIFE!!! The bottom line is this, if he can continue to get what he wants from you when he wants it you will always be the second lady in his life. Love yourself as much as you love him and step back. Give him the space he needs to get his life in order and make some decisions. The longer you invest in this married man the greater your hurt will be when he finally tells you "me and my wife have decided to try to work it out".
If he wants a future with you, tell him to get his present right by letting go of his past and if he doesn't you need to move on, as painful as it may be.

Answer 5

Sounds like he has not fully committed to his decision to let go of his wife. He could be having second thoughts and just not telling you. The kids really should not be a motivating factor in this. I am sure he is a good father regardless to whether he is with her or not.
Talk to him and get to the bottom of the situation. Be kind and understanding. Be understanding to the fact that he just may not be ready to move on and may have made a hasty decision. Be prepared for that. The truth will set him free.

Answer 6

You have been involved long enough so just let it go...thats if he's always trying to be there for his wife. Obviously...he thinks he can just keep the two of you when it shouldn't be that way at all! His only concern should be just about the
kid(s) that they have. I can't believe you've stayed around that long if he still cares for her. You must love and care too much. Just be careful and really find out what he really wants. Giving him an ultimatum is an option ;) Goodluck!

Answer 7

I don't think I would stick by his side and wait for him to come around. He needs time for himself. He has jumped from a marriage to a relationship with you and hasn't had any time to reflect on why his marriage failed in the first place. It sucks to say but you are the rebound girl and as long as he is mixed up with these feelings then you will never be number 1. Its hard to give your all in a relationship if you haven't come to terms with the previous one. You have to be the bigger person and cut him lose. I don't doubt his love for you its just he is too confused right now and needs this time alone to figure things out. Do it for him and your self because you need to be just as important to someone. Good luck and I hope it works out.

Answer 8

I wish I saw a happy answer, but I only see two possibilities. One is that you were the "other woman", and helped break up his marriage. If so, he may see you as fine for a fun temporary thing, but, since you slept with him, you aren't marriage material. Or, since two years is long enough to start living again after a divorce, he's happy being single, with a live in lady. I really wish I could give you something good, but I can't.

Answer 9

So is this guy still married, or he is seperated/divorced? If he's married.... you need to move on.
If he's divorced, here's the thing..... no matter what, his ex and child will ALWAYS be a part of his life. He will have to still be there for them to some extent. He will have to learn to balance everything. It's whether or not you feel comfortable knowing another woman and her child are part of his priorities. You have to decide if that is something you can handle and if it's worth it to you.

Answer 10

Sounds like you may have gotten involved with him prior to him having closure on his marriage...especially if it's not legally over yet.

He's not ready for a relationship by what you've posted. I'd let him know that you care about him, but until he resolves his feelings for his ex (soon to be ex) and guilt about having a life-after-marriage, then he's not fit to be a partner for anyone and isn't acceptable to you.

However, if you were seeing him prior to his separation, you should've known that a cheater isn't someone you can ever trust.