Please let me know what you think of my short story?

Question

I have to add it in sections, so if you click and it isnt all there, just refresh or something:

George Whipley awoke from a deep sleep to find that he had no messages on his answering machine. He never had any messages. He was used to it. However, he had grown to despise the pretentious voice of that woman who informed him day after day that he had no messages. He perceived her shrill tone as being one of blatant mockery and contempt. He thought if he ever met her, he would have to kill her. He would have no choice, he thought: ‘She had to die.’ He stared at himself in the full-length mirror just adjacent to his bed. He had grown to hate the man he had become. He had been ravaged by a life of stress, late nights, and cheap domestic beer.
He had had one of his most favorite and most frequent dreams that night. In it, a group of scantily clad slave-girls tended to his every need, be it a glass of milk, or a quickie on the kitchen counter; there was no deed too demeaning, too

repugnant, too downright disgusting that they wouldn’t jump at the chance to fulfill. However, he had awoken before the dream had even had a chance to think about becoming “wet”, and so he was trapped in an unfulfilled state of arousal. He would have to masturbate.
He walked over to his ‘1952 Emerson Television/Radio’, and softly caressed the dial. He remembered the interminable excitement he felt when he came across it at a yard sale, and he remembered the euphoric joy he felt when he got it home and turned it’s gleaming dial for the first time; ‘It was almost orgasmic’, he thought. And speaking of which, George had already made his way to what he had christened “The fuzzy porn channel”. All he could make out was a foot, and what he perceived to be some sort of autoerotic pleasuring device, a dildo perhaps. And with this, George began to masturbate at quite a furious pace, almost blistering. But alas, his efforts were in vain.

One foot and a dildo were simply not enough to satisfy a man like him...a pervert perhaps, but not George Whipley.
He gave up any hope of reaching orgasm, and dragged himself over to his dank, foul-smelling refrigerator; a veritable haven for every kind of food related bacteria known to mankind. He had not been to the market in quite a long time, a fact that could be attributed to outright laziness more than anything else. All that lay in his fridge was a 2-month-old peanut butter & jelly sandwich, and a can of soup, the label long gone. He wondered what it might contain. Tomato soup, perhaps. George had a particular fondness for tomato soup, and he could easily see himself buying it. Alas, George could never work up the courage to open the can, for fear of disappointment, more than anything else. Much like George could never bring himself to toss out that vile peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

No, George was simply enamored with the continuing development of this rather sickening mixture of bread, butter, a no name brand jam, which had been named ‘Jolly-Jam’ by it’s manufacturer, and extra chunky peanut butter. It was all that made living worthwhile to George; that, and "The Price is Right".
George loved "The Price is Right". He became absolutely giddy whenever it came on the television. He laughed at how stupid the contestants were. ‘I could do much better.’ He thought. It made him feel superior. He liked that feeling. George examined the sandwich, and found that overnight it had sprouted tiny hairs, Peach fuzz in fact. George could not help but feel a twinge of paternal pride. This was his baby; his disgusting, hairy, greenish-blue baby. And he loved it accordingly. Quite suddenly, and without warning, George became utterly depressed with the conclusion he had just made: His entire daily ritual consisted of checking up on a moldy sandwich,

and watching a game show whose main audience consisted of geriatric women, one of which George was not. Perhaps to signify the starting of a new era in which George would DO something with his life, he decided the time had come for him to conquer his fears, and destroy the things that were holding him back. George decided that he must eat the sandwich. With perhaps an overly inflated sense of accomplishment, George picked up the sandwich, and proceeded to bring it ever so slowly towards his mouth. 'This is it,' thought George. ‘Today is the first day of the rest of my life.’ With a twinge of guilt, George caressed the sandwich one last time. “I'm so sorry” he whispered, in it's imaginary ear. And with that, George proceeded. *Kershaw* was the sound the sandwich made, as George took one big bite. It tasted rather like fish, he thought. Suddenly, George's vision blurred. There was a rather loud rumbling in his stomach, and he could feel his joints stiffening.

All at once, George Whipley was dead.

Answer 1

It's not bad, but if I was editing it, I would take out all the passive tense.

he had grown to despise... would become he grew to despise

He had grown to hate the man he had become - double passive there ...

How about he grew to hate the man he became?

You must use the word HAD about 100 times. Every one makes a sentence passive and weakens your message. Common problem with new writers. Did you know that if you work in Word, there are advanced settings for spell check that will point out all the passive tense phrases for you? I would suggest turning that setting on and seeing what it says. Otherwise, the story isnt bad. It's just that reading all those hads is distracting and takes away from your message. Notice a lot of readers reported being bored. That's passive tense at work. It takes away the power and bores people quickly. C.

Answer 2

I especially liked the beginning all the way through to the slave girl fantasy but it seems to deteriorate after this. It has nothing to hold it together and make it a 'cohesive" story The whole Emerson radio thing seems out of place too. The refrigerator bit is also a tad "long winded" As for the end, I was thinking, its too abrupt, so he drops dead, so what and who cares! Basically we have this loser type character George Whipley(sure you don't want to rename him George Wanker?)who is lonely and feeling sorry for himself, in his crappy apartment with stale old food, no callers, who likes to fantasize and masturbate and finally eats some of his stale food and drops dead.(was it actually suicide?) I think you have some talent and I like your style but I think you should make an outline of what you are trying to convey in your story, and everything in the story that does not contribute to this end should be eliminated. Thanks for the entertainment!

Answer 3

its not great, but the fact that you're trying is big. if you're serious about writing and the craft a good place to start is steven king's "on writing" grab the audiobook read by King himself.

One specific thing is that you have to start and immediately draw your reader in, it doesnt have to be crazy exciting but you have to engage your reader with an interesting idea or an exciting point of entry.

good luck!

Answer 4

Aside from the poor spelling and sentence structure, poor grammar, and lack of any compelling plot, it is utterly unreadable and boring.

You will need a lot of help if you want to get published. Try studying journalism or literature.

Answer 5

Intriguing. I had to finish reading it because I wanted to know what happened. Although I liked the quick ending, I don't see how he could die instantly from that disgusting sandwich. Seems to me he'd have days of it before it killed him.

Answer 6

It kind of has no point.... It goes around randomly and skips between subjects... the paragraphs arent divided very well... and the ending pretty much is... well... Its a good attempt but it needs a lot of work...

Answer 7

You know, I kind of expected the outcome of the story when he decided to eat the sandwich. Still, it was hilariously ironic. I think it's great, and hope to read more.

Answer 8

Dr. Suess would be proud! I hope it's not a childrens book tho! lol one foot and an dildo>??? Funny

Answer 9

Nice job, Keep up the good work son!

Answer 10

This is the worst thing i've ever read. I'm serious it does nothing for me or for anyone. You suck and you should be ashamed of yourself you dirty hou.