He has been gone now for 6 months after trying for 3 years to get him out of our joint home. It was a nightmare time as he was a serial adulterer, an alchoholic, jobless, and with no friends. He was also abusive although not physically.
He doesnt phone our son hardly sees him, he even showed scant interest in his school report when I rang him today.
He pays no maintenance but very gives me a few pounds when I ask for it which I dont do very often.
He has now said I am being very shi**y not letting him see our son although I have never put any obstacles in the way of access at all and have always openly encouraged it. His way of thinking is that he can come over at a pre arranged date and spend time with our son then stay the night and go home next day. It takes him only 40 minutes to drive home so thats not the issue.
It took me so long to get him out of the house I dont want him here overnight any more.
Am I being awkward or is he?
Sorry to be so long winded,
2007-03-17 06:16:12 · 31 answers · asked by ? 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you so much for all the support,I want to give you all 10 points! I thought I was right but I just needed a little more assurance.
2007-03-17 06:24:56 · update #1
sweetheart you have divorced your husband you owe him nothing - if he wants to see his son he should make the arrangements you dont have to rally round him to accommodate him - the only commmon interest you share is your son its not your problem where he sleeps or where he takes him on his visitation be strong.
2007-03-17 06:32:34 · answer #1 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No! You're not being awkward at all.....he most definitely is.
I don't know how old your son is or what your ex's financial situation is but I think he should consider himself very lucky to get away with not supporting your son financially on a regular basis. You could apply to the courts to get him to do so legally. Was this never discussed as part of the divorce settlement. Either way, whether he financially supports him or not you're doing the right thing by not putting any obstacles in his way of access. Although again, he's lucky you don't considering he's not paying for anything.
I don't understand why you're agreeing to let him visit the house. If this is absolutely necessary, Is there any way you could have a friend in the house with you when it next comes time for himto leave so that the friend could support you in getting him to leave? Or do you have any family who could do that for you? Do you know any of his family/friends who you could maybe have a word with and ask them to have a word with him?
Another alternative is to arrange for him to see your son other that at your home - a suitable public place or family/friend's house?
I think you should actually seek legal advice on this so you know where you truly stand if he continues to be so awkward and dismissive of your wishes. At the end of the day, you're supporting your son yourself and have to do what's best for him which includes his and your own safety and comfort. If your ex doesn't like any of the changes you make to suit you and your son better, then tough.....where there's a will there's a way and if he desperately wanted to see your son, he'll prove it by agreeing to whatever boundaries you put down. If not, it's his loss and you should concentrate on being both mum and dad to your son until you can find a more suitable and deserving role model for him.
Good luck with it.
2007-03-17 13:26:22 · answer #2 · answered by nephtine 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
aww honey! sounds like your having a real tought time!how old is your son? get this man out of your life all together?he doesnt sound like a true father honey! look at the situation? is he really there for your son? is he making sure hes going to be a good father?
if not then either give him an open chance by talking to offering him a chance to prove himself that he had a great interest in his son! MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO HELP HIM ACHIEVE THIS! let him make the 40 minute trip! if he wants to see his son he will do this! if he fails to show no interest then you will feel no guilt by cutting ties and even possibly getting full custody of your child!
do really want your son being brought up by a dad thats only there when he aint got money for a drink or a slag on the side??? thats no good influence for a young boy!!
get some legal advice so your ex will take you serious! get some support from friends and family so you feel your doing the right thing even though you are!
youve wasted years on this man dont waste another second on him honey!
2007-03-17 13:24:27 · answer #3 · answered by SWANNY AND SNUGGLES! 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Under no circumstances are you being awkward. Put it in writing and send a copy to his solicitors, explaining that due to the present situation you have no problem with him seeing his son. However, you do have concerns with him staying overnight in your house. State that you are willing to meet him halfway so he doesn't have to do the full journey everytime, this shows that you are prepared to work with him and ensure that contact is kept up.
If you send copies to his solicitor, it will b kept on record and he should be expected to send you a written response.
Mental abuse that people go through can more often than not be more distructive than physical. You end up with self esteem hitting rock bottom and constantly doubt your own abilities. Take this time now he has left the home to rebuild your life and self esteem. Thats what I did and now I can see the benefits of cooperation with the ex and improved self esteem.
2007-03-17 13:28:49 · answer #4 · answered by squeegy 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO CARRIE UNDERWOOD'S NEW SONG? THERES A FEW IDEAS FOR YA,LOL . ONLY JOKING!! ANYWAYS ...
Tell him that you want to move on with your life and him staying at the house is not appropriate anymore. Tell him you would be more than happy to meet him half way at an agreed on drop site, As far as his alcoholism say you understand he misses his son but he cannot be hungover or drunk when u leave yalls son with him and if you find out he has been drinking while your son is in his possession, you will file legal charges on him. If he really wants to do what is best for y'alls son he will obey these rules. When you get your son back, ask him about everything that went on. Tell your son that you are happy he got to see his daddy and u want to know all the fun things they did.
If your ex hasnt contacted you or your son, tell your boy that daddy is in a hard place right now and as soon as daddy works it all out, daddy will call and visit. Daddy needs to get better so daddy can be the best daddy you deserve.
And if your ex drops out of your sons life completely, its his loss.
Make sure you point out that it IS NOT his nor your fault his father isnt here.
My FATHER was the exact same way your ex is being right now. HONESTLY, I thank God he was never around!!! I turned out to be better off. Not to mention, My mother found " MR. PERFECT" He has loved me , accepted me , and adopted me. I couldnt imagine my life without him.
Just let your son know that no matter what YOU will always be there for him. everyday and everynight.
He might not understand now, but he will. GOOD LUCK to you and your son... XOXO
2007-03-17 15:22:28 · answer #5 · answered by heatherclhn 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Hi, I don't blame you at all, you are quite right not to let him back in your home, and especially stay overnight, You have been very reasonable with him trying your best to get him to see your son. You are not being ark ward at all, i wouldn't let him stay. He may not even turn up to see your son and that would be disappointing for him if he was expecting his dad. If you have to tell him to go through his solicitor for access, show him just how sh**** you could be. I would. Good Luck to you my husband was a serial adulterer i got rid of him.
2007-03-17 14:53:41 · answer #6 · answered by kevina p 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You are not being awkward at all, he is trying to get back into the house again, I don't know for what reason; but that is messed up.
Since he is residing only 40 minutes away, he needs to be returning to his own place after visiting your son.
Just stand up for yourself and insist that he go home after every visit. If he does stay, he will be making it seem as if you and he may be getting back together, and that would be very confusing for your son.
He is only making the comments about you not letting him see your son in order to make you feel guilty so he can play you all over again. Please be strong and don't fall for it. If he had valued you and your relationship in the first place, he would have not committed adultery, and would have held a job in order to help take care of your family.
2007-03-17 13:27:45 · answer #7 · answered by Sue F 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
It sounds as if he is the awkward one. Why would he want to stay the night.40 min is not a long drive. He could stay at a hotel if its to long for him. You are not his wife anymore. Put your foot down and set up some lines that he will be unable to cross. If he doesn't like them then that is his problem. You may have a son with him. But it doesn't sound as if you are trying to keep him away from him. I personally do not know of any man that will sleep over at there ex's house. Even the ones that have kids.
I wish you the best.
2007-03-17 13:23:49 · answer #8 · answered by mrs.mom 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
NO you are not being awkward, there are plenty of bed and breakfast places he can stay. Sounds as though he is trying to control you again. I would tell him he can see his son away from the house on a pre arranged day. if he doesn`t like it TOUGH.
He will probably be abusive when he realises he no longer controls you. Just stay calm when speaking to him and if he does get nasty warn him you will put the phone down if he doesn`t stop it. Then do it. He will soon learn you no longer have to listen to his ranting.
2007-03-17 13:24:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
i think what you have offered him is very reasonable but he obviously is taking advantage don't contact him and explain to your son that his dad loves him but don't mention anything after that your ex should think him self very lucky not every man gets the opportunity to have all this contact phone him now and tel;l him you will not put up with this behaviour and that he needs to change his ways then end the call and wait for him to contact you but tell him that he is not staying over and that he can come when it is convenient for you not him you are the one with custody and he has access you should remind him of that
2007-03-18 08:02:07 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are DEFINATELY in the right here. It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you like he did during your relationship.
A divorce is what it is.. a divorce. ANYONE would feel uncomfortable having an ex stay the night.. esp one like this.
A 40 minute drive is NOT that big of a deal... if he cares about his son he will do that.
Again- sounds like he is very good an manipulating and always tries to make you feel like the bad guy.. dont fall for it.
2007-03-17 13:21:57 · answer #11 · answered by la428282 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋