Living with somebody who had cerebral thrombosis, how?

Question

One of my family members has had CT quite a while ago. The problem is not the incident itself, but what happened afterwards: while there was not much physical or mental damage, it would be OK withlots of exercises and healthy food. So we tried to be very supportive and put our own work aside to help the family member with whatever the doctors and specialists ordered us to do, changed eating habits, etc. But despite all the efforts, refusal kicks in. Exercises have come to a complete stop, nothing seems interesting any more. Everything is boring/asks too much effort, quiting/running away from it (going to sleep) is the solution. We keep pouring energy in it, it's frustrating, but what I hate the most is the plain arrogance and egoism that... the member started developing a deep habit of "me me me, all for me!" and "you do it!". Teaching, saying how you feel, asking to listen/to keep focused, etc. is useless because is BORING...
How do I keep coping with this???

Answer 1

Being a caregiver for someone with a chronic illness of any kind can be extremely draining. When the person who is the recipient of the care is unappreciative, it can cause anger, frustration, resentment, etc. You say that there was not a lot of physical or mental damage. So is the person able to provide self-care if he/she chooses to do so? Because you may decide that you have done all you can and if the family member doesn't want to meet you half-way, you may decide that you are going to stop doing ALL the work. Before you reach this point there are a couple of things you might consider. Could you meet with all the family members who provide some care and agree on what is minimally necessary in order to ensure the afflicted family member has basic needs provided? Then agree that you will not cajole or plead with respect to other things? It will be a whole lot easier if you have the support of other family members in stepping back a bit. You might also want to consider getting some counselling for yourself around this issue. This is not to suggest that you're doing anything wrong, but it is a very tough situation and feelings of guilt and obligation can be powerful. Someone not involved directly can help put a perspective on your situation and help you identify what is realistic in terms of the "patient's" expectations of you. It might also help to have a place to vent about your totally understandible feelings of anger or resentment. I would also suggest that you find some ways to treat yourself, even if it is only in some small ways. If the afflicted member is unappreciative of your efforts, give yourself the deserved pat on the back. Hope some of this is helpful. And good luck.

Answer 2

Wow!

You've already gotten some great advice, and I urge you to take it to heart.

(Um, you did the whole question without using 'he' or 'she' -- so I don't know which to use, myself. Awkward to write an answer, so I'm picking the shortest pronoun, and making your relative a 'he'.)

I don't know anything about the personality of your family person, but part of the problem may be all of you "pouring energy in it" -- that is, he's getting some Learned Helplessness kicking in.

The "me, me, me" and "you do it" stuff.

Thus, the advice above about pulling back is excellent (as was the "getting help for YOU" part -- not because there's something wrong with you, but because you're in an inherently difficult situation -- you might also get good advice on how to improve this situation, as well as emotional release for yourself).

So, a thing happened that legitimately focused a lot of attention on him, which is easy to get used to and assume you always deserve.

So it's high time to reverse that temporary state, so he no longer can assume all focus will always be on his needs.

Just trying to give a little background here, as well as second the excellent advice you got in the first answer.

There may be, in the back of his mind the idea that, if he improves, he will lose all this extra attention he's gotten used to.

It's no more psychologically healthy than it is physically healthy for this situation to continue.

As the other user said, you all need to present a united front, so start with the rest of the family to plan how to provide minimal care and support, while otherwise pulling back.

That and seek support for yourself.

Always remember, you can't control others; he may not do the stuff he should do. You may just have to accept that.

Your current strategy isn't working, so you need to try another; but there are no guarantees.

At least you can improve YOUR situation (and that of the other helpers).