relationship trouble....?

Question

Serious, constructive answers only please!

I recently found out my husband has been running rather large debts and has ommitted to tell me all about it - to make a long story short! This means we have been getting into more trouble financially and I could not understand why! The financial part is fixable but how on earth to I fix the trust? I feel let down as he has lied to me and even spent money from our savings account without telling me about it. I am not sure if and how I can trust him and whether or not it is worth staying in a relationship if I do not trust him. On the other hand we have been together 8 yrs, have 2 kids and are fairly happy - also not easy to just throw it all away. What do people think? Any ideas how this can be fixed - money aside which we have already paid off now. No doubt I will be monitoring our finances like a hawk now which I do not look forward to as it was not my idea to have to watch over my husband!!!

The debts have built over 3 yrs and are about £30,000! All he tells me is that he does not know where he has spent the money! How can you spend that much and not know where it has gone?! We have nothing to show for it. So it is lies and deceit over a long period with many loans and cards not just a one off. The only thing I can think of is that he has compulsive behaviour and he has already agreed to go to therapy. The worst thing is that we have just finished couple therapy recently so obviously he was not able to be honest then!

Answer 1

I suspect that your husband got himself into debt and was too embarrassed to tell, then it built up and he just put his head in the sand and hoped it would go awlay.
You have to take the lead here and sort out the debts - you know how to do this, debt counselling, see your bank, etc. I shan't give you advice on this. But you're right about the trust, he wasn't able to tell you something and that's what you have got to find out. Did he feel that, as 'man of the family' he was supposed to bring more money in and he's embarrassed because his wages wouldn't cover it? What did he spend the money on - incredible that he doesn't know, of course he does but he can't tell. It may have been silly stuff, magazines, a few pints, a takeaway, a taxi home .... al silly disposable stuff but money haemorrhages from the wallet with the silly expenses.
One of you has to take charge and you know it is you, so sit him down and read him the riot act. Give him pocket money every week and that's his allowance. If he can tell you what he's spent it on then, fine, it may be increased but all the time it is 'disappearing' then he is on a restricted budget. You won't be popular, but at least you will keep the roof over your head.
As for the trust issue, - well your marriages vows included "better, worse, richer, poorer" and all that - perhaps he was scared you might leave if you knew what a pickle he was in. Reassure him that you won't, and find out the truth.
Good luck

Answer 2

Maybe he has a compulsive spending problem or he just can't handle money. I think you need to take total control over the money until your sure that your finances are safe. Sit down and figure what is a good amount for him to have each week and stick to it. Make sure he will accept it and tell him why you need to do it this way. If your checking is in both your names think about making an account in only yours and have the money you needed for all your bills direct deposited in that one and any extra money you can afford to spend in the joint account. Work on it together. Its not a reason to break up your marriage. It just needs to be addressed. If the debts he accumulated were gambling or similar reasons he needs to get professional help to move on. Good Luck

Answer 3

firstly take two things into concideration , why he didnt tell you and were the money was going. if you get those answers trust me you will be able to take things from there! all relationships have their ups and downs and even though you have been together for 8 years , marriage can take more than that to trust and love each other fully. dont even concider living your huby because you have two beatiful children and have had a life of eight years with someone you love and your want to throw it all away for what? i know this trust thingy is really eating you up but you can fix this. that is how you deal with problems not run. so just make sure that the money is not going to some other woman and take it from there. goodluck.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

once trust in a relationship is lost it takes alot of work to put it back and this does not happen over night, i suppose it all depends on if you wish to try and make it work if you dont then it never will. have you asked why he was spending so much money sometimes this can be seen as a form of depression or was he just having some fun . watch the finances for a while with him helping you so it is a joint effort rather then just one person. if you love him then give it a try its worth a shot.

Answer 6

First I need to know what he went in debt for. Do you both work? Does he have his and you have your money? I can tell you how I keep myself out of debt. My pay goes into an account. Out of that account I give my spouse an allowance. I also have two additional accounts. One is for monthly expenses the other is for unexpected expenses and when the unexpected expense gets to a certain amount we put the excess into savings. Also the first mentioned account has a built in amount when reached goes into the savings account.
Financial responsibility is one of the most difficulty topics for a couple to discuss. Each usually wants the other to be more responsible when it has to be team work. Just see that each need is being met then share your wants!

Answer 7

I think that you panic more than anything. I understand that you find it difficult to trust him, but it sounds like a one-off thing that happened, rather than a tendency, right? You answered your own question - the key is to monitor finances until you restore your trust back. What is your husband doing to make it up to you? You need to tell him what he needs to do to help you trust him again, whatever it is. Finance is just one part of a marriage and you will overcome this eventually, just stay positive! And do monitor though (for your own piece of mind).

Answer 8

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Answer 9

I reallt dont see spending loads of money as a trust issue.

Unless he spent it on drugs gambling or women, then its usually just that they are scared to tell the other person for fear of being judged and scolded. Some people just like buying stuff.

I am a divorcee and I would never advise wrecking a marriage over money. The stress on the kids is terrible.

You need to confront him about it and take the finances in hand. I am a spender and I need taking in hand occasionally. I would be mortified if it ruined my relationship.

Answer 10

I do what your husband does. I dont like to talk about money especially if there is none! I dont think you should not trust him. He hasnt deliberatley decived you he has probably hope that he could sort it before you found out. I really do understand where youre coming from but he doesnt sound like a bad man, just someone who isnt good with money.
Dont be too hard on him