Well, I just started a new story. Tell me what you think of the beginning? I don't care if you tell me the truth, be honest.
Madison captured the warmth of the sunlight as she stepped out of her middle-class brick home. It was the beginning of an end or as her parents say, "The Freshman Year." She stumbled over the cement sidewalk in her gold ballet flats. She hoped her abercrombie navy blue cami under a denim blazer would aproove to the upper-class high-schoolers. It was warm enough for a dip in the pool, and she would do anything just to get out of the awkward first day of school.
Thats the first paragraph.
Hope you enjoyed :)
2007-03-17 05:27:08 · 15 answers · asked by Amy 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
I added brand names because i like the idea of knowing, really knowing what they are wearing. I kinda idolized it after the Clique Series. She described everyones outfits. I liked it
2007-03-17 05:33:16 · update #1
Look out for more, i have a lot more just didn't write it all
2007-03-17 05:35:47 · update #2
I'm only 13
2007-03-18 02:37:10 · update #3
you describe really well...i am pleased you know you can write such a beautiful story ...i would love to hear one which is 3d if you know what i mean ..like write what the person is feelin n sayin it'll take us through a journey of what she's goin through lol but its fine i dont see a problem with it really your such a great writer !!! let me know when you finished it i want to buy it n have a read through !!! all the best !!
2007-03-17 20:25:40 · answer #1 · answered by THUG LIFE 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would make a few minor changes but otherwise it's pretty good. First I would say soaked in, rather than captured- just because it sounds like she's setting a trap for the sun. Second, the phrase "approve to," is wrong- try "would prove acceptable to" or something along those lines. Also, I would move the dip in the pool out of that last sentence. It doesn't make sense there, since she can't go swimming- she has to go to school. It's really good other than that. It's very descriptive.
2007-03-17 12:40:30 · answer #2 · answered by Lesley M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it with one exception. I would remove the word middle-class. I don't think it adds to the sentence. If she is wearing ambercrombie under a denim blazer the reader gets a sense that the freshman isn't likely poor.
Nice way to spend a Saturday morning.
2007-03-17 12:31:41 · answer #3 · answered by ME 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad, a little more detail an the fear of the 1st day would help get you into the character thoughts. Set it up for people to relate to the character out side of that the set up is starting out well. Best of luck
2007-03-17 12:32:48 · answer #4 · answered by tarows_sorrow 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"She hoped her abercrombie navy blue cami under a denim blazer would aproove to the upper-class high-schoolers"
Change to
She hoped the upper-classmen would approve of her abercrombie navy blue cami under a denim blazer.
2007-03-17 12:29:49 · answer #5 · answered by victoria 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like it hope 2 read more!
2007-03-17 12:31:21 · answer #6 · answered by sassy_girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is.....as Paul Harvey would say.....the rest of the story?
2007-03-17 12:32:15 · answer #7 · answered by sarge 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds pretty good cant wait to read the rest
2007-03-17 12:34:49 · answer #8 · answered by Jay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well done:carry on like this
Sky.
2007-03-17 12:37:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
"approve"
why all the brand name dropping?
2007-03-17 12:30:45 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋