Why do I do this to my husband?

Question

When we met I loved being near him, holding his hand, hugging him, I could feel the distance between us if we were just across the room from each other. I'd never felt that way about anybody, and I'd had boyfriends before him. I know I'm not a touchy person, but with him I was. Now, 5.5 years later, I don't like to kiss him, hug him, sit by him. It's not that I don't love him, but I don't feel drawn to him at all anymore. He still always wants to be touching me and I always back off right away. I do try to make an effort because I know it hurts him that I'm not like this anymore, but it takes a huge effort on my part. When we're out I'd rather not be around him, we're the couple that sits on opposite sides of the room while all other couples are still sitting in each others laps. Sometimes I feel like we're just friends, but I know it's all on my part. Why is this?

I do love him, I do care about him, I don't care that some people don't believe that. As for trying to make things more interesting, I am the one always wanting to try new things, be more adventurous, he won't be. In my head I want to sleep with him, and it could be so good, but when I get to doing it in real life, I can't follow through.

Answer 1

I didn't know the answer until I saw three little words in your question: he won't be. Sometimes its the behavior of the other that makes one not feel close anymore. You say he still wants to be touching you; how is he the rest of the time? A lack of intimacy, emotional closeness, even everyday chit chat and how he treats you can all chip away at your feelings.

Answer 2

It's not necessarily true that you don't love him any more: relationships do ebb and flow like that: it may just be that the infatuation is over. When it began happening to me, I started to feel bored because the excitement of new love wasn't there any more. Marriage is hard work, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! My solution at that stage was to have a second relationship (with my spouse's knowledge, though not consent). I don't recommend this because it almost tore me away from the person who means more to me than anyone else in the world. It also filled me with guilt because I never wanted to be a cheater. I had to learn that I already had the right partner, it just wasn't exciting. What it WAS was safe, enduring, solid and secure. We are now working on forming a TRUE partnership and we are both working hard! We each have issues we are dealing with in therapy and we are closer than ever. If there are things you want or need from your husband, such as more space. separate activities, a weekend away, whatever, talk to him. So many couples get divorced after a few years once the infatuation ends: we seem to think that love is supposed to be that way all the time! It's not. It's only AFTER that ends that true love can develop. Love isn't just a feeling, it's a responsibility and a commitment. Find a good therapist and talk it all out before you decide to leave: maybe a couple's therapist. Good luck, it's an awful position to be in: I know 'cause I've been there, but I'm not there any more. We're still married and happy!

Answer 3

Sit down with him and talk. It might just be stress that you are having that is causing these feelings. Or find somthing to spice up your relationship. My Fiance and I went through this a few years away and found "my" problem and we worked together to fix it. He also is not so much all over me as he use to be because of this. You are in a relationship and you both have to figure out the problem and bend a little for the other, if you don't it will never work. Good luck

Answer 4

It's normal for some passion to cool after you've been married a while but this sounds more serious. I think you may want to talk to a professional. The problem might be physical in nature or psychological. But if you don't find a way to fix it it will be legal, as in divorce.

Answer 5

I feel for you - that must be difficult. I can't help but wonder if you didn't have him for a while what would happen. I would suggest forcing yourself to try these things anyway and see if in time it would get better. Another thing to try - for one day totally give up everything for him - make it "his" day. Don't do anything for yourself and go above and beyond for him - like put a note somewhere he would find it and do out of the ordinary things you would normally not do. Totally serve him for one day and don't think of yourself even once.. the next day see how you feel.. who knows, you might fall in love with him again. Good luck , that has got to be hard.

Answer 6

well it sounds like you 2 need to rekindle your relationship ,and you really put fourth the effort,tell your husband you want to get back to when you 2 were first dating,some thing happened to draw you away from him,and you need to find it out and deal with it before you end up in divorce .

Answer 7

IMO your marriage has some serious problems. Seek some counseling then go on from there.

Again, IMO, I don't think a divorce is out of the question.

Answer 8

I think you love him but you don't lust him anymore Maybe let your fantasy open up to get that spark going again if you still wont to be with him. I'm one of those people who doesn't think love never dies but lust does there is a difference. I mean you love your brother you would never have sex with him . True?

Answer 9

its okay to fall out of love but just be sure that you are out of love before you make a drastic move.. i would say try to take some time away and see if you will miss him.. try counselling too..

Answer 10

Better question is Why do you STAY.. if life is like that wouldnt you rather just find someone you are in to..? If he makes your skin crawl when he touches you..then you need to set him free its not fair to HIM...