Do you believe we have a Right to Privacy when it comes to Family?

Question

Hi, I'm 30, a Teacher, and I live a good, clean life.
However, I have certain family members who ask VERY Personal Questions to me and that makes me feel uncomfortable. Example, they will ask "how much money are you making", "does your best friend have AIDS?", etc?
I think asking questions like that is wrong--but they will keep asking me over and over. When I do answer them--they will immediatley tell other people.

I believe that I have a right to privacy---but my family members feel that we are "all family", and that I am "seceretive".Its because they are a bunch of gossiping blabbermouths that I dont tell them everything..How can I avoild Lying to them when they start asking personal questions--while being honest??!

Plus, what are you feelings about people in your family who ask personal questions ?? Is that good etiquette?

Answer 1

I feel the same way. My husbands family is like this. They find out something personal, and in two days it is already spread within the family. Sometimes the story gets changed because some of them like to add their 2 cents in as well. I've learned when at a family event on my husbands side, to not give them anything personal to build off of. If they ask a question, I leave my answer very general. If they ask what I think about so-and-so getting a divorce, I just say something like "well, I guess it was in their best interest", without adding in my own opinions. If I ever added in my opinions, it would be spread and sooner or later someone would end up taking what I said the wrong way, and I don't like that. So I keep my mouth shut. My mother in law loves to call me and gossip, so I just sit there and listen to her, without saying a thing. Over time she's gotten to where she doesn't even tell me anything anymore! They all label me as quiet, but I don't care. I'd rather not gossip about people, and make my own decisions based on what I see with my own eyes. I'm probably the only one within the family that they have nothing to say about, because I don't give them anything!

I don't beleive it is good etiquette at all. If someone is not telling you something, it is because they have a reason to keep it personal. If they wanted your advice, they would come to you. This is how I choose to deal with these things. I don't question people's personal lives unless they come to me first.

Answer 2

Yes. You have every right to complain and then plan how you want to end this blabbermouth party right here and now. I married into that type of family and my Mother-in-law even has a piece of furniture for the phone that she laughingly calls her "gossip bench". I told her something personal once and when I found out everyone and his pet poodle knew about it from Texas to Alaska (she even writes letters with gossip) I bawled her @ss out FINALLY!! Her defense was that she only told "family". Was I nuts?? NO~!! And neither are you.

First, realize your kids will gladly tell all they know so you will still have a leak in your boat. But I taught my children what was "family business" and that meant not to tell anyone outside our private home. Any news that they learned just because they live with the other person is family business and not to be told or talked about.

Once you get your husband trained to Shut the Hell Up also, be honest with them. Tell them you hate gossip and you were raised where privacy was respected (as was I) so you have no intention of being grist for their rumor mill. All it takes is #1 Guts to tell them plainly and clearly where they can remember it. #2. Your immediate households cooperation and #3. Never listen to another story about the other relatives and be prepared to be scorned until they get over it.

Stand your ground. Be yourself and run your house the way you want it. You married one man and not a gang of dysfunctional malcontents that delight in stories to invade your privacy. Be prepared to be named the Troubled One because you are rocking their boat! To Hell with Their Nosy Gossip.

That reminds me of something I heard in college. The highest thinkers talk about Ideas. The average thinkers talk about things. And the lowest rung on the ladder talk about other people. Good Luck Darlin!! I'll remember you!! @8-)

Answer 3

My family is very similar to yours and I am also considered the "secretive" one. What I've started doing is whenever I get asked a question I don't feel comfortable answering I say "well, before I would have answered this, but last time I told you something in confidence you went and told everyone else, you have to earn my trust back before I'll tell you things"

That's the thing with family, they expect to be able to come right in and pick your brain all they want. Unfortunately for you, from what I've seen, the only way to deal with it is to confront it. That said, there's probably no happy ending, you'll have to eventually get them all mad at you until they come to understand your feelings.

As far as etiquette goes I don't think it's very nice, and it really bothers me, but at the same time, I realize it's because they love me and want the best for me.

Answer 4

The best answer I ever say on this one was an old Ann Landers column years ago. Answer with "why do you want to know?" That usually works.
Or, immediately ask them the same question - Like about your best friend, the answer would be 'no, does yours?', about salary, it would be "enough. How much do you make?"

If you really think you shouldn't lie when they are asking questions they have no right to ask, them burden them with details. Like before or after taxes, followed by before or after medical, followed by before or after deductions, etc. They might get the point, especially if you continue to handle it that way. And it's hard to get snarky with someone that is trying to give an accurate answer to a question. You might get some grief, but it might stop the harrassement.

If that doesn't work, either make something up (that is not a lie, if you both know it's not the truth, it's not answering a question you shouldn't have been asked) or hit the nail on the head - like, well, I am making couple of million, but you know by the time it gets to Mary, it'll be 10 million and I will have to get my phone number changed.

It is not their right, or anyone's right to ask you personal questions like that and you are under no obligation to answer questions like that. Took me til I was over 30 to figure that out and then I had fun with it. I would give outrageous answers and sure enough, my family would be repeating it. The upside was that no one listened to what my mom said about me after awhile, and they couldn't figure out where she was getting all her kooky ideas. lol

That's just how I handled it. I finally moved out of state, too.
Good luck.

Rowena

Answer 5

yes everyone has a right to privicay even from family members. 'cause they enter at different times in your life and you have a world outside your family. Not that Privacy is required to have undesirable things but this avoids lot of opinion making. After all, what you are doing now will be your son's habit after 25 years and what is your approach to life will be your wife's idea after 5-6 years. Everything is but generation gap, but if these things are shared in family in the name of transparency, there will be only quarrels and misunderstandings

Answer 6

Some people in this world have no problem speaking their mind against the standard, expected comfort zone that shows respect and decorum for the feelings of others.

They are usually rather proud of their 'in your face' kind of attitude and have no trouble asking nosey questions, picking fights, and then when it all causes the other person enough discomfort and they lose it, and tell them off... They are usually famous at turning it all around and making YOU look like the bad guy and they become the poor abused victim.

The way to counter these people, family or not. Is to answer with rhetorical questions of them and their private business in the same exact fashion... rather than actually answering them, answer with another question pointed right back at them. Making sure to do it with a phony smile and a condescending tone so as to appear to anyone looking in, to be just as innocent as they are. If you care for that sort of thing...

Say something like... "Hey that reminds me, I heard a rumor that your son came out of the closet recently... Was that true?"

or

"Hey that reminds me, Someone said that you were losing your house to forclosure, is that the truth?"

When they get all pissed off and ask you who said it... Say "Oh I don't want to say. and walk away...

People tend to agree with the one showing the least resistence, not showing their social fangs in an obvious manner. It is a game... everyone feels they have to play it, some are better at it than others.

Personally... I have no trouble calling a spade a spade because I believe that the world operates on pretense and bullsh*it. I don't like it, I don't encourage it and anyone who knows me understands that if you actually want to engage me in an uncomfortable or inapropriate conversation... I do not care what you or anyone else thinks of me and I will tear you a new as*shole... Very publically if necessary.

I don't buy into the sh*it because people know better... every one of them KNOWS exactly what they are doing. I don't play games!

I am called; Angry, Bitchy, Violent, aggressive, anything you can imagine when all I am ever guilty of is being honest... I have been called these things, usually by the people who see themselves so deeply in my observation of them, so much and so obviously that it hurts them to have to deal with it...(no one likes to seem that obvious, especially a liar.) Then they feel justified in attacking me with the exact same thing they first had the problem with me doing to them.

Only difference is... I never start it and if I don't want to know the opinion of another person... I am sure never to ask. Everyone knows if you ask... You shouldn't have a problem with what you hear as a result.

If you don't invite these people in... They have NO business being there, and NO business asking inapropriate questions! and trust me... They DO knowthey are wrong for it too!

It's all garbage... Cut them off, confront them, become just like them and play the game.

It's Your choice!

"You have no control over how another person will decide to treat you. The only thing you do have control over is how you allow it to make you feel and how you react to it as a result."

Lou Tice.

Answer 7

Yes - you only need to tell family what you want them to know.
Sounds like you're being cautious not secretive - family members and friends can tend to gossip too much about nothing - especially if they are missing something in their life that you may have. You know who you can tell things in confidence and who you can't - nothing wrong with that. I tell family & friends - there is only 1 that will judge me and it is not any of them.

Answer 8

Well, my family isn't like that. We all respect each others privacy.

Everyone is entitled to privacy and just because their family, doesn't mean that they need (or should) know everything about you.

If they ask you something that your not comfortable with, just tell them point blank that your not going to answer that because it's none of their business. If their not happy with that, then too bad for them. They'll get over it.

Answer 9

If you're uncomfortable with their questions, don't give them information or the truth. If they ask how much you make, say "enough to pay my bills." If they persist, ask them why they want to know. Keep putting it back in their lap. About the friend with AIDS, just say that's not information you are privy to, or allowed to discuss, or you just don't know. When people get nosy, it's OK to say you just don't know or try to divert them to another subject. Or just say, "I really don't like discussing that."

Answer 10

you're an adult and should not be expected to answer these questions. they should not ask them in the first place. politely tell them that you don't want to answer. it's an invasion of your privacy.