Hurtful children?

Question

Why is it that when children are young they adore their parents, yet when they get older ie: 18 they go out of their way to be as hurtful as possible making their parents lives hell.
I havent seen or spoken to my now 21 year old for 3 years and learnt recently she has moved interstate mainly due to the influence of another. We do not know where she is living or what she is doing with her life.

Thank you to all for your input.
Yes, there is more to the story than I have written but couldnt put it all down here.
Is due to anothers influence.
Was really just wondering if anyone else has been through the same thing and how they got through it.
It is affecting my current relationship and I have to get my act together and deal with it all.
Yes, I have been to professionals but there is nothing like the personal touch to obtain support.
I have also been seriously unwell and even that didnt get a positive response from the estranged daughter.

Answer 1

Children in adolescence often rebel because they are trying to establish their own identity. But what you are describing is extreme. Normal rebellion is usually over by that age. What you have is either a mentally ill person or you have issues in your relationship that you are not acknowledging here. All you can do is try and figure out what you did, pray that she will come around soon, and treat her like an adult without recriminations if and when she does contact you again.

Answer 2

Find some way to let her know that you will always be ready to see her again. That's all you can do. Don't tell her that she's hurting you. She already knows that. And the thing that's going to keep her from getting back in touch with you is embarrassment or shame or the fear that you are mad at her. You've just got to find some way to get the message to her that you'll always be interested in seeing her. She may be living a stressful, tumultuous life right now, and if she has this picture in her mind of her mother falling to pieces, it's only going to make her world more chaotic. You have to be a calm example of grace. That's what might attract her back to you once she's learned a little about life. Let her know you're interested, but whatever you do, don't guilt her.

Answer 3

I have a 22 year old daughter and went through some hard times with her , and I had to learn that there are some things in the world u can do nothing about. She is a grown woman and she is going to do what she wants ,and all u can is try to keep the lines of communication open .Let her come to you , and if she doesn't want to then u have done all u can . I also have learned that a sick soul makes for a sick body. Good luck

Answer 4

I have been in the same situation, just on the other side of the table. I haven't had a stable relationship with my parents for over 4 years now. I love em , but can't have a relationship with em. I think for some people, like myself, they just take on so much hurt from someone that they would rather be away and on their own, than to keep getting hurt. My parents blame my husband of course. But the blame is on them. I am a christian, and I believe that you can only take so much from someone, and can only hear so many I am sorry's. Then you have to wash your feet of that person. Have faith in your daughter. Pray for her. I don't know her situation, but I pray she isn't mixed in with dangerous people and drugs. Drugs take so many young peoples lives. I am only 24, and because of my parents drug use, they have lost their daughter. Prayer will make it all easier to live with, you will find the answers you seek in God.

Answer 5

When children sense tension at home they can't do much about getting away from it until they reach and age when they can escape. 18 is a reasonable age to get out of a first family that isn't meeting the needs of a young woman. Its probably not 'the influence of another' that caused the disconnect. That just enabled her escape. Its more likely your relationship with her that she escaped.

Answer 6

Add a few more years, and we are in identical situations. My daughter was out of contact for many years, and when she surfaced, was just as snotty as ever. When I was seriously ill and asked her to help me, I was told that a city bus trip was too much of a hassle. My advice to you, is to get on with your life, and stop devoting your self...mind...heart....and spirit, to a lost cause. We don't choose our relatives but we can choose our friends and loves. the hurt never goes all the way away, but it will fade. Stop expecting what you can't have and you won't be disappointed. Best wishes my dear.

Answer 7

As hard as it is you need to be supportive of your childs decision, and they need to know you would and will be there when they need an ear or a place to run to. I have and am still going through this did not agree with childrens decision and it came between us. We are in the process of mending the fence and it is a long process. Takes one word to break the fence and a much longer time to repair it. Hang in there and keep going the rewards are great. You could put personal ad in the local paper if you would like to get in touch. Make it encouraging and supportive and they will know how to contact you.

Answer 8

I empathize with u totally. But sometimes we as parents suddenly impose all the rules on our kids.We really need to introspect and see where we have gone wrong in upbringing. And dont hesitate to say sorry coz we r also first time parents so there is lot to learn and unlearn. There r no set rules that can be applied to all children coz each child is different.I remember a school princi saying to parents there r no problematic children rather there r problematic parents.
Have courage u child will return she is still exploring God forbid if she has to go thru a bad phase u r the first one to whom she will revert

Answer 9

Its so hard when this happens...there myself currently!Its painful because you want to shout out I LOVE YOU HONEY and painful because you know the other family members are watching you change. The best part of beating your head against the wall is that it feels so good when you stop!! Every child or human being has every tool given by a parent to make good decisions by the time they are 5 years old,so believe in it.Its so hard NOT to tell them that you are unhappy with their living situations but if they were really in trouble would they call you? They would if you earned their trust and they were free to tell all (everything) without fear of being judged. I know this is painful for you and I know also you want to take back everything said in haste but you cant. You can however start anew by trusting your child raising technique and letting your kid know you are there without judgment 24-7 if they should need a good ear and strong shoulder

Answer 10

Ouch man.

Thats somewhat harsh one would have said.

Something you've said or done, or- not said/not done has turned your daughter away from you. Either that or she is simply one of those kids who is somewhat out of control.

Sad and harsh but true.

All you can do is continue to love her and keep your door open if and when she returns.

If you've not already done so, try contacting her. But after a few attempts discontinue, lest you be seen to be being a pest and of course this will drive her away.

This must be every parents fear and I feel for you. But short of putting out a missing persons case, I'm affraid an internet based public forum would be of little use to you.

I'm sorry.

The Iceman.