What should I do about my Marriage?

Question

I have only been married to my husband for 2 years (Dated for 7) But I had doubts before we got married. He puts me down alot, Judges me and I never feel comfort. he is constantly Gone and I feel so alone. Well recently I met this guy at my work and we have been hanging out for about 2 months or so but he makes me feel secure, Confident and loved. I have never felt that with my husband. What should I do. Im so scared of the future and not being secure. I really think things could progress with this new guy but not while im married. Im just so scared of starting over. What should I do? I have only kissed this new guy but it was the most wonderful experience ever...im just so afraid. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

i think your marriage was doomed from the beginning..your hubby sounds like a controller and has low self esteem,otherwise he would not put you down and humiliate you.. i think you should give up this marriage and start over, just think how much worse it would be if you stayed in this marriage for another 2 years,, get out while the going is good.. you really wont regret it.. i have been there and done that!!

Answer 2

Whatever you look for, you find. If you look for flaws in your husband then those become bigger. If you look for his strengths (which you must have done when you married him) those do. So whats to say in six months you dont start to notice the things about this new guy that are irritating. Security doesnt come from our husbands. Security comes from living in the present, taking care of ourselves and giving ourselves opportunity to succeed make choices and grow. Maybe the other guy (OG) is Mr. Wonderful and maybe darling husband (DH) has to go. But for right now, you are married to DH and OG is going to have to be put on the back burner. OG will be there in a month or two if OG is really the ONE. In the meantime, say a prayer, ask for guidance and make a decision you can live with. If it is to leave your husband then do so on your own two feet. I would also suggest you live alone for a while. Depending on a man will only eventually make you feel insecure again. They dont make another model dear, you can't trade up. If your husband is miserable it could be that his wife is busy kissing other men instead of working on your relationship (I realize it IS more complicated than that and I am not blaming you). Its time to address the real problems...his bad attitude and your insecurity. His is simple, propose that he come up with a plan in the next two week to make some changes....you can suggest a counselor or seminar or book to work through (lots of great resources out there)...if he takes no action you have your answer. Yours will take a little more time. You are more capable than you know. Answer the following question. If I was completely secure and safe in my own life, I would be ______________. Fill it in. Whats missing? Lots of times its old messages from childhood that are no longer true. Most of the things we are afraid of are things we are already doing (ie I am afraid of being alone, but if two of you are not committed to a relationship you are already doing it alone). I will pray for you. All the best.

Answer 3

You are married! There is a commitment there that is supposed to be sacred. You should not be "dating" another guy while you are married. I realize that the notion of two people taking the "til death do us part" thing seriously is old fashioned or "so-19th secntury". However, I do think that the commitment to being honest and open with each other should remain in vogue. It sounds like you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, at least not without making your feelings about your husbands judgements and comments clear and gauging his reaction. However, that decision cant be changed....unless you have a time machine.

Having said all of that, the principle of being honest with your spouse should lead you to sharing your feelings with him now. Tell him that you do not like the put-downs and judgements and see what he says. If he is unable to stop, then proceed with a normal dissolution of the marriage. No one should live in a hostile environment or be subjected to constant psychological abuse. You do need to take care of yourself!

However, do not proceed in any way with your new relationship until you have dissolved the marriage. If you do decide to divorce your husband and he can prove that you have been having an affair prior to the divorce, you can end up losing your alimony and your half of any assets that were acquired during the marriage. This is obviously dependant on the state that you live in, but most states have similar guidelines.

Answer 4

at the beginning your marriage is doomed to fail because you had doubts even before marrying him. You were aware of these doubts but went on anyway.Things could have been better if you had that desire to improve matters between you & him (since you married him still) by having discussed your ill wills & meet some common ground so that you wouldn't itch to find comfort outside the nest. It's easy to fall prei when you feel unloved & no one reciprocates it better than another man in your life. A complete opposite of your present relationship will answer all those longings & needs you've been deprived off. Naturally the flick of a mr.nice guy around would easily erase whatever feelings (how ever little) you may have left for your husband. Two years is too long to have put up with him & also for two years, did you not ever kissed & make up? i mean you lasted this long & come on saying now that you were'nt happy? Could it be that another guy had pop up into your life & suddenly your man is now all bad? Am not saying that you stick into such unhappy marriage (if you say so) but if you had the courage to marry him in the first place (being aware of the doubts) & drag on for 2 years now, why on earth did you decide to enter into it and complicate matters esp. you are now claiming having found a man you feel differently (something you never felt from your husband-those u mentioned above)..but again, progress of it is hindered by you being married. see what i mean? Do some self-assessment before plunging into another relationship or risk falling into deeper pit.

Answer 5

You really have two separate issues here, and you won't resolve them well if you don't keep them that way.

You are not happy in your marriage. And, you've found someone that might (in theory) make you happier. But, sharing an affair is different than being married and what is exhilarating may or may not hold up to the real tests of day to day living and married life.

If you want a divorce, get a divorce. Two years is probably long enough to be sure you're not going to get any happier where you are. I'm pretty sure that therapy isn't going to help your current situation any, particularly because you don't seem to see yourself as having any part in the problems. Maybe your current husband is an obnoxious bully, but there's not much you can do to "fix" him. But, think about a future where you have to be a responsible adult and take care of yourself. If you aren't prepared to stand on your own, you're just going to make the same kinds of bad decisions again...that you made two years ago.

After you've done that, and I don't mean for long, maybe six months just to prove to yourself you can do it...then think about the future with the new guy. You guys can continue to date and progress during all of this. But, don't let him carry you. Don't advance that relationship just because it makes getting out of this one easier.

Answer 6

Stop now before it gets too far! Megan, what are you going to do after you find faults with this one too? Go on to the next, then the next? This isn't love. This is a drastic attempt to find love. Why not wait till you love yourself first. Right now you seem to have a need for the guy to supply your security and happiness. What you can do now will end this cycle of looking for something that was inside you all along. Stay married. Treat your husband like Pavlov's dog! I know this sounds a bit weird, but it works. When he treats you like the way you should be treated, reward him. When he treats you objectionably, ignore him and reward yourself. The interesting thing is that you should inform him of this before you start. That will be a sufficient slap in his face for the way he has treated you. What's he going to do ask for a divorce? Hell, that's what you want! Better for him to file so you won't have to deal with the guilt of failing the marriage, let him have the guilt. However, if you try this old technique, you will find it works, and your happiness and security will be found. And you can sit back with the knowledge that "you" did this!

Answer 7

Oh boo hoo. Another one who opted into a bad situation, knowing full well what they were getting. Then it somehow is a problem after saying I do.

Now you met someone else and you are all in love. You want permission to run away, divorce or whatever to be with the wonderful love of your life. ROFL.

Look, why dont you just be honest with yourself and everyone else. You settled and got just what you thought you might. Then the guy who you waited for came along, but you hadnt been patient enough, so you had already married. TOO BAD. YOU ARE MARRIED. You just want the other immoral people on here to smile and say sure, leave, divorce. You want to do so, you just dont want to feel bad about doing it.

And has it ever dawned upon you that maybe the things your hubby says or thinks or feels toward you just might be real and honest? Think that maybe he has you pegged and you just cant stand to consider it or face that what he says is right?

Just because a skunk doesnt like to be called a skunk or ran off, doenst change its smell or what it is. A lot of people dont mind being skunks, they just dont want anyone else to notice or call them one. Lady, you need to learn something right now. You have probably tried to kid yourself a lot or believe in fantasy or fairytales, just like a lot of women do. Well, real life is different and you need to grow up and realize that. Plus, the other people in the world have no obligation to go along with your fantasy or fairytale, or to live up to those ideas. Not that you or most others care, but what do your vows say? Divorce only for him being unfaithful. Thats it. But, seems to me that he may get to divorce you because you will be cheating.

By the way, you should just look at the answers that other women have given. It may help to explain why so many men see women in a bad light or see them as just a.s.s. For the women clearly point out they are no more moral or commited then men are. If you ladies can come up with an idea and a justification in your minds, God himself cant get you to see or admit that you are wrong or immoral.

Answer 8

You need to do a very serious and honest evaluation of self. You do not find comfort or strength, self esteem,self worth in another individual. This must come from within self. And as long as you remain stagnant within your self, you will never have a loving relationship. You will continue to go into every relationship with this baggage. So do something for yourself, and begin first by listening to that little voice in your head. Or that feeling in your stomach. Become very aware of who you are and be the best you can be. Then and only then can you develop a trusting, loving and secure relationship. If you are unhappy, get a divorce. However, I would suggest you work on you or every relationship you have will fail to meet your expectations. No one, no man, no woman can make you feel complete. This must come from within. Don't drag another into a the mess you have created, cheating is never the answer. And really how can you respect a man who is dating another mans wife. That should be a huge red flag for you. I wish you the best, I will keep you in my prayers. Surround yourself with the sounds you love, and the people who are positive and supportive of you. Be honest with yourself, set goals and make changes. After all it is your life, your choices. God bless****

Answer 9

Hi. ive kinda been in the same situation and i did the total wrong thing so i know what im talking about.First you need to find out what feelings you have for your husband. If you think that the relationship is not good for you,then get out. Why dont you talk to your husband about how he is making you feel? Comunication is the key to any good relationship maybe he dosnt realise that he is putting you down or making you feel bad. As for the new guy, Thats just what it is.... new and exciting, something different than what you are used to.Just remember...... The grass isnt always greener!!

Answer 10

I believe that when you marry someone it is for the rest of your life. Temptations come in our way all the time, I am sure that the other guy that you met is a great guy, but you are married and in my opinion is your obligation to try everything you can to make your marriage work (talk to your husband, counseling, etc.)
Right now it just seems that you are giving up too fast on your marriage because you met someone better.
I hope you understand that cheating on your husband is very serious. I wouldn't do anything with that guy again until you and your husband reached a final decision.

Answer 11

Sweetie, if you are not totally comfortable with your marriage, you shouldn't be in it. Time will not make you feel comfortable. If your husband has been putting you down for 2 years, I'm sure that you have self esteem issues also. My recommendation (not a dr here by any means) Get out of that relationship and start to figure out who you are as a person. Please do not do this because of another guy. Do this for yourself. You probably don't even know if you were to get a divorce if he will be there for you. Work on yourself then date. Nobody will take care of you in this world but you. You have to do what is best for you and your kids (If you have any).