Light & Dark?

Question

Somehow, I feel good and bad at the same time. It's hard to explain. I feel like there are two of me, instead of having a moral scale where the balance of good and evil is split 50/50, it's somehow doubled so each side is like 100/100. I'm often a nice person, but sometimes I'll have these wild mood swings where I'll actually scream or get physical. One time, I hissed at someone and tried to bite them. I'd say I was insane, but crazy people don't know they're crazy. My conscience has been thrown way out of wack. Instead of the Angel and Demon telling me what to do, they argue with eachother and I'm just stuck there in the middle, watching as the kill eachother. I'm fascinated by the thought of being a bad ***, but I also love the idea of being a good kid. Aren't these signs that I might develop...I dunno, a split personality? Mental ilness runs in my family and at night I feel myself being torn into different directions. Someone help me out here.

Answer 1

Welcome to reality, 101.

The reality is, everyone is BOTH an angel and a demon. Its not that we are half light and half dark, its more like 50% of the time we act nice (become the angel) and 50% of the time we act nastily or naughty (become the devil).

Don't try to see yourself as a zebra, see yourself standing in a room next to a light switch. Half the time the light is on, and the room is nice and bright, and half the time the room is dark, no light at all.

As for 'crazy people don't know they are crazy stuff', thats bull. The 'crazier' or 'craziest' people don't know that they are crazy, but you can still be quite crazy and quite lucid at the same time. Think of an alcoholic who realizes that they are an alcoholic compared to the one who doesn't. Both still drink, just one person understands who and what they are.

The most likely problem is that the 'angel' part of you is a compilation of the person who you want to be in addition to the person other people want you to be. Since you have taken on the expectation of others, perhaps unwillingly, your 'rebellion' or divorced part of yourself becomes compiled into a 'devil' aspect. In other words, Part of the reason your devil is fighting your angel is because your 'devil' is fighting to get rid of the angelic expectations of others, so its fighting to get back with its 'angelic' part, but the artificial, angelic aspect (the aspects other people would like you to be) is preventing it from happening.

For example; lets say you like playing violent video games because they give you a release. In most people, thats simply an integrated part of who they are, no split required. But, if people around you say 'you' shouldn't be playing those violent video games, then they are creating, and inserting, an angelicized 'you' into who you are. Thus, your need to play violent video games gets booted out of your personality, and becomes the 'devil'. So when you do the 'good' that both you and them accept, they think of you as good, but when you have a conflict, they create the seperation because it suits them.

Consequently, the 'devil' part of you (the one who likes playing video games) will seem to 'fight' the angelic part of you, when all its really trying to do is get back inside, to be accepted again, but the 'angelic' stereotype that others have placed upon you will interfere, creating confusion and disorder. and the more the 'angel' guards the gates, the more the 'devil' fights to get inside.

It sounds like you need some help sorting out what is making you so frustrated and angry (the prime source of anger is frustration and ignorance of what is making us frustrated). Find someone who you can talk to, who you can somewhat trust (yeah, I know its hard, and it always comes with the risk of betrayal) and try to work out your feelings with them. It sounds like alot more is going on underneath, and that requires in-depth communication to both understand and soothe.

Answer 2

You are allowing your ego to nurture itself by bombarding you with conflicting thoughts.

Just know that you don't need to listen to those obsessive thoughts. Think of them as options to be contemplated and then either acted upon or rejected.

There exists a quiet place between those random thoughts.

Seek solace and serenity there.