My wife recently found out about an old relationship which i did not tell her about, and a child out of wedlock.Now she says she feels like i lied to her indirectly and that i was not honest with her from the start, but this all happened before i met my wife.She has now asked to be away from me for a while, she says to vent her anger and to be with her family and friends for a while to be herself again..she is far away and she doesnt even sms or call me, although when i sent her to her family home she did text me to say she was sorry and that she needs time. She still calls me sweetheart and still ends her texts with LOVE YOU before signing off..that was yesterday..now she is quiet. What can i do to win her back? am i wrong? how do i convince her that im so sorry for not being completely honest and i wont let it happen again? Need help!!! words dont work on her now it seems..
2007-03-17 00:18:58 · 18 answers · asked by Mikey 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
u should have been honest with her from the beginning about the child, u will just have to be patient with her, she feels betrayed, it takes time to regain trust again after this kind of shock.
2007-03-17 00:24:03 · answer #1 · answered by jude 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My father did this to my mother (and us kids) - except we found out via the internet because this 'child' (now a grown-up) found me on Google and emailed me.
You have just pulled the rug out from under her feet. Everything that she believed and understood about your marriage has now taken a shift. As others have mentioned, the trust is severely shaken, if not gone altogether. I'm sure she is wondering what else you haven't told her, if you're capable of this lie what else are you capable of?
I'm not sure how long you have been married or what stage you're at, but if she was thinking about having children, imagine how this would affect her. Will you do a runner on her when she falls pregnant? What kind of a person rejects their own child? (I'm just noting thoughts she may possibly be having here).
There may be perfectly valid answers to explain this situation, except the fact that you didn't tell her. This was a massive act of irresponsibility on your part, as having a child is extremely serious, with further possible implications. What if the child's mother wants money - and this affects your current financial situation, mortgage repayments, etc? You have to grow up. Everyone has had a life before their current partner. If something major has happened, you have to tell them.
Hiding the truth for it to be found out later has only de-stabilised the relationship rather than the 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' attitude.
Of course your wife still loves you. You can't switch love off, but she is feeling hurt, betrayed and disrespected.
I would send her a simple message, no flowers, to say that you have made the biggest mistake of your life and will do what it takes to keep her and that when she wants answers, you are ready to drop whatever you are doing and give them to her. I would also be prepared to go and see a marriage counsellor. Leave it at that. She can make the next move.
2007-03-17 20:18:45 · answer #2 · answered by HerbGal 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mikey, the past does come to haunt you sometimes, just as you found out. You are going to have to give a little time, because this wasn't an ordiniary "oh, honey I forgot to tell you".
This life changing -blow your mind kind of thing. You have a child with another woman, and you didn't think that she needed to know this or deserved to know this. Her thoughts about are very confused right now, you aren't exactly who she thought you were. If I was in her spot, I would be wondering what kind of man you were if you can forget a child. That's a biggie!
All kinds of things can be running through her mind right now, and you need to contact her, and ask her if you could please talk with her. That you really screwed up, but if you don't talk about it, it's just not going to go away. If she says she can't talk with right now, ask her to meet you in a few days.
Then, buddy you get to praying that she will forgive you. What the child? How are you and your wife are going to deal with this. Your wife is going to be asking a lot of questions, and you better have the answers if you want to keep her.
I have had family members that had a child popped up that they never knew about it, and the marriages are still together. There's hope, but it's not going to be easy, and you tell her that, assure her that you are willing to do anything for her to be back in your arms. Then do it!
Praying for all of you, and it can be a happy ending. Be prepared to work hard, and deal with trust issues, but give her some room, but don't let go completely. Hold on tight the ride is going to be bumpy, so strap in!
God bless us all..........................
2007-03-17 03:45:02 · answer #3 · answered by totallylost 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not good. she is going to be questioning everything and it will start with how she found out, how old is the child, what kind of relationship do you have with your child/mother. Is there any more out there and why you didn't trust her this will all add up to more for every year you were married. that the number she will use. How long you have lied to her. Have all of those answers ready. Trust me WORDS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT WILL WORK. Pick them carefully and be very honest. It was the right thing for her to get away, she has a lot to sort out and what her choices are.What she is now. fact she just became a step mom to someone she never knew about and if you to don't have any children yet, Oh, to her you are already someone else daddy, dad. She needs this time and give it to her. In the middle of the week, call to just check in with her.don't push. You need to listen more and talk less right now..check in weekly one of those calls she will starting talking. have her answers.
2007-03-17 00:38:23 · answer #4 · answered by livelovelaugh 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a Hard one ....
Maybe if you put yourself in her place ... If you had found out that she had a kid before you and was living with her ex ...
That might creep you out too ......
I'm guessing you don't have contact with your child or I think she would have known sooner ....
But my advice is this .....
Trust was broken and now it takes ALOT of time to heal ... maybe she needs more time ....try to meet and talk to you as soon as you can
Send her some flowers with a note ...
" I'm very sorry and I'd like to talk with you about why I did what i did "
Meet in a quite semi- Private place and make you both act like adults and DON'T bring up anything shes done or hidden for you that will only make things worse ...
Ask how you can help ... or what you can do ....
Tell her why you don't have contact with your child ...
Be open ... let her ask questions .... if she wants to leave you ... That's her choice .... She has EVERY right to ...
... tell her what ever she chooses is alright and that your respect her and love her and that you just don't want to loose her ..
Leave it at that ....
Good luck .. hope i helped ..
2007-03-17 03:55:58 · answer #5 · answered by L to the Ill's mommy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You say "she feels like I lied to her indirectly". No you lied. It was a direct act of ommission. Are you paying for this kid? Have you stepped up to do the right thing? Cause if its on my mind, I am sure its on hers. How can she be sure you will be there to support kids and a future for the two of you with so much unfinished business from the past. It can be done. Time to be a man and prove to her you are the kind of guy that is worth this much trouble. You need to clean up the mess. You need to make sure there are no other messes...financial, physical or otherwise. If it was youth, then so be it. But you are grown now. So admit you were wrong and do the next right thing. "It wont happen again" sounds more like the pleading of a child.....thats whats got her goat and got her all confused...
2007-03-17 01:50:53 · answer #6 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give her the time that she askes you for. If you keep trying to talk to her while she is taking time to herself, it will push her away. I dont think that you lied to her, you just didnt tell her everything and you probably had a reason for it, or you could have just forgotten. When she is ready she will let you know, but not giving her space will push her away farther faster, and it will more then likely take more time for her to be able to talk to you. When she finally comes back or wants to talk to you, answer all her questions truthfully, and calmly. Dont offer any information, just answer as honestly as you can any questions that she may have. If she chooses not to talk about what happened dont bring it up, but dont act like anything happened either. Dont smother her, but treat her kindly and dont rush her back into what you all had before. It may take some time for her to trust you again, give her that time, or you may loose her. When you text her, always tell her you love her, still call her by the pet name you called her before, mabe some flowers and a nice dinner. But time is what she needs right now to be able to get over what she has found out and to trust you again.. Good luck with everything and hope everything works out for you both!!
Patti
2007-03-17 00:37:08 · answer #7 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How long have you been married? How long you have kept this "secret" matters alot. That is a huge thing in your life. She maybe wondering if you kept that from her, what else have you kept Do you have other secrets? You need to talk to her (face to face would be best) and tell her the reasons you kept it a secret. Let her know that she is the most important thing to you, and that from now on you will be completely honest with her about everything. You have to do it too. She has probably lost some trust in you. I think it is fixable, but you both will have to work at it. You will have to work hard to regain her trust.
Good Luck.
2007-03-17 01:27:24 · answer #8 · answered by Ammikins 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you are in the wrong. I can understand how she feels. She's not petty. How would you feel then, if you were in her shoes? Would you think that she is being dishonest? Since words are of no use now, its best to keep the cool. SMS her now and then, not more than 3 times a day, but if she didn't reply, don't insist that its a must. And always make yourself available to answer her phone calls or reply her back asap. I believe time will mellow her down. Be sincere. Good luck.
2007-03-17 00:29:39 · answer #9 · answered by Celia 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
A past relationship not told about? Fine, unless she out right asked and you said something like "I'm a virgin." But a child? Not telling her about the child, if not lying, that's certainly with holding an important truth. Believe me, as muc has I love the man I'm with, I would never have gotten involved with him if he ever had a kid! It's weird. It's creepy and for most people, including my lover and myself, I think breeding is immoral. I'd be so pissed off if he had lied like that! I'd need to take some time too, your wife still loves you, but you broke her trust and she needs to reevaluate the marital situation. A kid? Talking about dropping a bomb!
2007-03-17 00:24:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
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2016-10-01 01:52:49 · answer #11 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋