Can I save this relationship?

Question

To make a long story short, my bf has been considering a military career for a long time. I didn't voice my objections b/c I thought maybe he'd change his mind. When he mentioned his idea tonight, I told him he'd have to do it without me and I couldn't promise I'd wait for him. I explained that I worried about the separation and him dying. He told me that he was considering a job in the Air Force where there'd be less risk. I finally said I'd reconsider. He told me he didn't want me to say no without knowing what I was saying no to, b/c I really don't know much about the military. As we were hanging up, I said, "I don't want to give up on us." He was silent, so I added, "If you don't agree, be honest with me." He replied, "I really wasn't even thinking of that." I really do want to marry him if at all possible, which is partly why I worried so much about the risks of military life. Should I worry that he's going to leave me? I really don't want to lose him.

When I told him I didn't know if I could stay with him, he tried for a long time to explain why he wouldn't be at risk in the job he wanted to apply for. Do you think this means that he didn't want to lose me, either? I really can't tell. He didn't say, "Don't go!" so I don't know how badly he wanted to keep me. Should I take his long explanation of why he'd be safe as a sign that he's trying to convince me not to walk away?

I just remembered now that he said that if he ended up getting called overseas, I'd have the option of going with him. I guess this is good?

Answer 1

Your BF can not guarantee his job or his station, especially during wartime. Being a military wife is not easy and takes a special soul (I am not one of them), I didn't marry my ex for this very reason. I am not built to be alone and I stress too much to worry about getting a grim phone call. If this is his dream and what he truly wants to do you can not stop him if you love him, you have to let him reach for his dreams. The only think you can do is determine if this is a life style that you can live with and be happy in. Perhaps you should talk to military wives/girlfriends and get their perspective of what that means to their lives, here is the site of a group.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mil_wives_support/

If you are considering marriage perhaps that is something that you discuss, because you can not be stationed with him if you are not married and you will not get the advantages and resources that the military provides to help make those marriages work.

Ironically, I married a business major 7 years ago and he wants to be a firefighter which means he is gone 10-15 days a month at the firehouse, so I am dealing with a similar situation again. This time I think that I can deal, but it tool a long while (almost a year) to come to terms and be OK with that.

Good Luck

Answer 2

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Answer 3

It takes special understanding from a woman who is married to a military person or law enforcement person. If you feel this way, you should be upfront with him about it. The thing you need to think about is him giving up a career because you made him. This will be something that he will always regret he didn't get to do because you made him make a choice. There is a risk every day when we get in our car and drive to work or in the workplace itself. I can't sell you on the idea of accepting his decision, but you need to be able to let him go on with his life without you if you cannot support him in his decision. At least he isn't a deadbeat who has no idea where he is going or will not work.

Answer 4

You have every reason to be worried about him. No matter what branch of the service he goes into, once he signs on the dotted line, he belongs to the service, and his superiors can put him wherever they want, in whatever position they want, to suit their needs at the time. So he could very well end up in a dangerous position. And recruiters will tell him anything to get him to sign up.

The thing is, a woman is either cut out to be a military wife or she's not. If your instincts are saying you're not, then you have to end it. Remember, no matter how much you love him, when it comes to making a successful marriage, love just isn't enough.

Answer 5

men are a bit different then us women, what we think, we say, and what we don't say, we hint at. if we want a man to stay we come right out and say don't go! for men it's different, from the way it sounds, yes he does not want it to end this way. however if it must, then it must. he's set on going into a military life, which for you, i won't lie, will be hard to deal with should you choose to stay. what you need to understand is this...you can not stop him from choosing his life. you can support him, guide him, and by God you can love him, but when it comes down to it, his life and what he does with it is his choice. Now you voiced your opinion and that is good because if he loves you he will weigh that out in his decision. But just because he goes into military does not mean he will have to go to war. it may. but it doesn't necessarily mean that. you said yourself you want to marry him. then ask yourself what is the problem in waiting...because wanting to marry him means you'll wait a lifetime for him. He loves you there is no doubt of that, if he didn't the matter wouldn't be open to discussion. it will hurt, know that and be prepared. it's an easier road when you get an idea what you are up against. as far as saving this relationship, it doesn't need saving, it needs patience and understanding and will power, maybe even a Lil grace by god.

Answer 6

He spent time tryin to convince you that the job he was takin would not be a risk of him getting killed...My Dad retired from the Air Force and he worked on airplanes..I know in this time with the war and stuff everyone thinks only of that..There are many who never go overseas..If you love him then stand by him..No matter how afraid you get,,hold on to that love like a safety net..You will never loose him as long as you show him you love him with all you are...I pray this all works out for you both...Rest assured you are both in very safe hands..

Answer 7

This guy is trying to follow what he thinks his calling is AND make you happy. I'd definately stay with him because he obviously really loves you. And why would he leave you if he's the one who is sure he wants to be in the relationship? Don't worry about losing him because there probably isn't a reason to worry. Just love him, because in the event that you break up and something does happen, you're really going to wish that you had stayed by him.

Answer 8

If you give up before he joins the military, then yes, your relationship is doomed. But if you're willing to stick it out and try to make it work, you may be rewarded. Let things take their natural course. If the separation is not working, then you can always go your individual ways later. But if it works out, and you decide you want to get married, military life isn't always bad, and you can possibly get to see parts of the world you'd never be able to otherwise.

If you really care, give it a chance if that's what he wants to pursue. It CAN be positive for both of you.

Answer 9

You don't possess the person until you are validly married. Let him be himself if he really loves you. To become a military or whatever is a career for a person and relationship is different from a career. You accompany him with your loving prayers and concern to boast him in his chosen career and on your part wait for sometimes he might come back to you and at that particular time and patient waiting you might grow rich in your relationship which will help you in your future life.

Answer 10

He seems to be firm about his decission in the military and is being man enough to respect that you may not wait for him and doesnt want you to worry about him. Deep inside he knows there are risks in all military areas. He is probably hurt that all along you put up a front about being supportive and you turned your back on him. You really need to talk to him face to face and be honest, dont fool yourself thinking you can hang with him being away, and dont lead him on.