What to do about 42 year old daughter?

Question

I am a 60 year old mother of a 42 year old daughter and she
thinks that I have to do everything for her: babysit(4 children,all
home schooled) while she wants to work fool time . I have been
doing that for 7 years. Now she is having another baby and I told them that I can do it part time only. Now she and her hasbund are angry with me and I feel very guilty.How can I overcome my guilt and be happy? HELP!

Answer 1

Wow, I wonder if she has even been paying you for what you do. Even if she does, I doubt it's enough considering it's 4 children plus the home schooling. That is way too much to ask of you. Bravo to you for telling her! Some people can't get up the courage to make the first step. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are in the right. Look at all the responses here, everyone is in agreement with you. When you feel more relaxed and rested and are able to do your own thing, your guilt will ease away. Yes, this will be harder for your daughter BUT remember how incredibly easy she has had it so far. She's not single, she has her husband. Please don't cave in to her, you did your part already. It's not like your not still offering part time help. You have been incredibly generous with her. Do for yourself now.
Take care.

Answer 2

Mom you have to realize you did your part. You were there to help her all this time, and you really shouldn't have been. When a parent decides to home school, they are responsible for the children's care NOT the grandparents. Just know you've been very good to her and she and her hubby have taken advantage of you. Don't give in to the guilt. The adding another child to an already large family was their decision, they have to find child care or stay home. You didn't say but looks like they didn't pay you for taking care of these 4 children either. It's just wrong of her to expect so much from you. I'm mom to 3.

Answer 3

you have no reason to feel guilty. these are your grandchildren, but your daughter has turned grandmother-hood into a JOB. and full time at that. they want to be angry? so YOU get angry. let them both know that you don't like how you feel, and it's not the kids fault, it's theirs, both your daughter and her husband. i'm sure you love those kids, but part of the fun of being grandma is that you get to take those kids out FOR FUN, and turn them over to their parents at the end of the day. what about his family? when i was working (PART TIME) after my daughter was born, baby sitting was split between my sister, niece and nephew, and my husband's mother and brother. we didn't trust strangers with our little gem, either, but didn't feel it was fair to assume that just because his mom didn't work, she should have all the babysitting, or since my niece & nephew were too young to work and lived a half a block away, they should have to do it all. i don't know how you'll find happiness with the situation as it stands now, but really, if you put your foot down and refuse to do ANY babysitting, what would they do? disown you? not let you see those kids? if that's the way they react, it's time to cut ties for a while, until your silly daughter comes to her senses and sees how hard it is to be at home full time with 4-5 children, the way you've been doing it for the last 7 years. let her try it for a while, and then ask her if she'd like it any better if they weren't even her kids. because that's what you've been doing for all this time, taking care of SOMEONE ELSE'S children. sure, you're their grandma, but she's their MOTHER. she needs to step up to the plate and do some of the work. it really galls me, that any woman would be that way. i know not everyone feels the same, but i stay at home full time with my daughter now, and i can't imagine just foisting her off on someone else so i can go to work full time. for what? what the heck do they need all the money for? all those kids? quit having babies! this is quite a pickle you're in! i really think you should just refuse altogether to watch those kids anymore, unless you're going to be allowed to do it on your own terms. not a quick path to happiness in doing things that way, but it's a place to start.

Answer 4

Sit her down away from her husb. Maybe he's the one pushing for it. Tell her constructively that she is old enough to understand that if you want children, you have to be responsible and willing to take care of them--she's being selfish and wants the loving feeling that comes with parenthood but none of the responsibility and hard work it takes to raise them. I understand the wanting homeschooling--I'm a teacher and I don't like the educ. system these days! But, as a parent of a 23mo daughter, I appreciate my mom babysitting her while I teach, but when it comes time for school I feel she will be well prepared because of the time spent with my mom. Grandmas have lives, too, and are not 2nd moms to anyone's kids. Tell her, the kids need MOM, not a replacement raiser.

Answer 5

Wait, wait wait.......your daughter chose to home school her children yet she works full time? There is a problem right there. Who thought that would be a good idea? Next, you are 60yrs old, you raised your daughter and have done way more than enough! Tell your daughter and her husband to get their priorities straight. It is their responsibility to raise those kids, not yours. If they are both working full time and already have 4 home schooled kids they are leaving with you what in the world are they doing having another one? It's time for you to stand up for yourself, grandma! Tell her to put those kids in school or get them a qualified home school teacher, tell her after the school day ends you can watch them for an hour or so until she gets home and that is it! And as far as this "new baby", tell her she has to put it in daycare or stay her butt home! This makes me angry, I'm sorry. I have never treated my parents this way and it makes me angry that people assume they can pawn their kids off on grandma or aunts or uncles to raise. You should be enjoying some sunny beach or traveling with Sr. groups or doing what YOU want to do. Good luck!

Answer 6

My mom is 57. She has done her time raising kids. I would never ask her to do that. And if she didn't want to and if she told me she didnt want to anymore - too bad for me - im a grown woman and can take care of myself.

You need to tell your daughter straight out what is going to happen in YOUR life. And she needs to either home school her own kids or put them in school. That's ridiculous to have 4 going on 5 kids, want them home schooled but the mother or father is not the one doing it.

I know you feel guilty but you need to find a way not to. Find a friend to talk to or even a counselor - they are good to get things off your chest and maybe even take your daughter with you to some sessions.

Answer 7

Your daughter needs to learn some responsibility for her own family. She should be staying home with them instead of relying on someone else to watch them, especially if they are homeschooled. I would tell her you can't watch them at all anymore except for the occasional babysitting for a night out. She needs to learn how to handle things without your help. she's 42!!! I'm only 27 and I'm more responsible than that!!! I have 4 kids and my mom won't watch them unless it's an emergency because she's done having kids and with 4 of them it's a lot of work. I'm not upset with her at all. They're MY kids, not hers.

Answer 8

If she wants them home schooled then she is the one that should be doing it not you. Explain if she wants you to look after them then they must go to school. I believe that's a good compromise. Or just tell her you are not a doormat. They are her children and you are happy to help out now and then but you are 60 years old. Your time of raising children is past and you feel you need to be the grandmother not the mother.

Answer 9

I would tell her that you are 60 years old and that you want to do other things other than raise a second family. It is unrealistic for her to be asking this of you.

They are her children and she and her husband should be carrying the responsibility. I homeschooled for about a year. It is a lot of hard work. I just put him back in school a couple of weeks ago.

I would suggest they put their children in school and if you choose, you care for them after school.

This is a tough one. You have allowed this to go on way too long

Answer 10

Its not clear if you are living with your daughter.

You need to sit her down and point out that you raised your kids and arent able at your age to raise hers. You are happy to help part time or in an emergency.

You have done it for her for 7 years , that should be enough, especially with a new baby coming.