We need advice about son's new girlfriend?

Question

My son and daughter live with me, both are grown. My son met a girl and got "involved" for 1 week, then she left for a Christian school which turned out to be rehab for alcoholism and anorexia, but she failed to mention the real reason until her last day here and he confronted her with it before she admitted it. She has been gone 1 week now and my son got a call from her father tonight telling him that she was leaving rehab or getting kicked out, and asking him if she can live with us. He has met her father 1 time and spoke briefly. We know she has some problems and takes medication for ADD but we don't know just what or how severe the “problems” are. My son is caring and is afraid that her family will put her out on the street. I'm concerned for both my son and her. I don't think they know each other well enough for this and I'm concerned about what may happen just from not knowing her well enough. We’re both a little shocked that her father even called my son asking this of him. We are willing to take her, but unsure of the consequences. So I said I would see what others had to say about this. Any advice or suggestions will be appreciated, so tell us….What would you do?

Both of my kids late 20's moved back to help me physically and financially due to my disability.

He just talked with both her parents, dad seemed concerned with where she will stay, and her mother told my son she has serious problems and needs to hit rock bottom, she is sorry my son got involved, that he seems like a nice man and shouldn't help her because she will use him, lie, steal and whatever...

Thanks to all, you've helped us to realize what our hearts doesn't want to. My son has said no, he won't invite her. I think that was with the help of everyone here making him feel that the decision not to take her in, was the right one to make and he shouldn't feel guilty for not helping her. I think his conversation with her mother helped tremendously too. She told him that she only hopes that when her daughter is better, that she will find him again, or someone like him. I think she really meant it, I know my son. Thanks again to everyone!

I can't pick you all so I'll have to pick the one that made me laugh first! Thanks again!

Answer 1

RUN, change the locks. You are being manipulated big time. Your son willl find another less troubled girl to fix.

Answer 2

This child has some really serious problems and you do not want to get in the middle of them. Not only will they tear your tender hearts out, but you could end up financially responsible for her & her problems. Although I know you would like to help her, and your son probably does too, you do not have nearly enough information to make the informed, thoughtfull decision that this situation warrents. Follow your insticts, get more information and make a group decision. If you do take her in don't let her room with your son and make some kind of contract up for behavior & responsibilities. And hold everyone to them. Good luck & best wishes

Answer 3

I agree with you, I don't think it was appropriate that her father requested she lives with you. It doesn't sound like he's wanting to put of the responsibility of helping her (if she will allow it) on to you and your son. Which is probably part of the reason that she is having the problems that she is.

I would not allow her to move in with me. My heart goes out to her with her problems, too. But, she is showing that she is not ready to deal with them herself, yet. So, why should you?

I would explain that I am willing to be a friend to her. And, I would advise the same on behalf of your son. That is where my generosity would stop, though. At least, until she deals with her issues. You guys cannot "fix" her or make her problems go away. All you will be doing is "enabling" her to continue in her dysfunction by picking up the slack in her living situation.

My advice to your son is to not continue a romance with someone who had addiction issues, plus more. Until she is clean, she isn't really who she presents herself to be. That relationship, if it continues....is only going to lead to heartache for both you and your son.

You guys might benefit from researching some books and articles on co-dependency.

Hope this helps!!!!

Answer 4

You're right that your son hasn't really known her that long to take on a committment like this, but also right to be concerned for her. If you think you would be able to take her in, I would make sure to lay down some very clear rules and consequences and enforce them, because you really don't know what will happen, seeing as you've known her for... two weeks? Good luck!

Answer 5

ok now i know that you want to be there for your son but common sense tells me and you that the signs are there TROUBLE trouble trouble i hope that you will be willing to accept everything that comes along with these problems that she already have its alot to deal with. so if your going to be one big happy family....... take that under consideration. and then what i find really strange is that her father is willing to let someone else deal with his problem. uhhhhmm please think about it.

Answer 6

I have a daughter in college, who has a male friend who lost both parents. We opened our home to him and oh my, what a mistake. Our whole routine was turned upside down. And it was difficult telling him to leave.

Answer 7

How old is your son... If by grown you mean capable of being on his own, they he should be. Not trying to be harsh, but having you grown son live with you is perfectly fine, but not extra baggage he is asking you to take on.

She is her own fathers problem , not her boyfriends mothers.

Answer 8

Simple. She cannot live in your home. All the rest is the drama. Forget about the drama. Just Say No.

Answer 9

i think that her parents should be the one taking her in, not her 'boyfriends' mother, or mayb he is just using your family for help. who knows?