Past Girlfriend Contacted Me After 20 Years. What To Do?

Question

OK, this is very confusing to me, and I need some good advice. I have been married for almost 20 years and have two children. I love my family. However, recently a girlfriend from before I was married contacted me again. She had broken off our relationship "way back when." She is now also married and has kids. We have not been in contact for this entire two decades, but coincidently reconnected in an online forum just this past week. While so far this is merely a "hi, how are you doing" and a picture from her, I am feeling very old feelings stirring again. She was my first true love and I can't get her out of my mind. I'm not even sure I want to get her out of my mind. I'm miserable. What do I do?

OK, more information. I just found out from her that she is in the middle of divorce proceedings. While my heart says, "reach out to her," my head is saying, "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!" Thank you to everyone who provided good advice -- most said the same thing I would say to someone in my situation. It's just much harder when it's your heart/feelings involved, isn't it? Not quite as sterile and analytical.

Answer 1

I went through this recently. If you still have feelings for her then you have two choices -- go after her and break up your families. That would be awful but it happens. Or you stay away from her. True love does not die and it can be very confusing. When this happened to me with my first love I nearly lost my mind and I don't think I have completely found it again :-). Search your heart.

Answer 2

I am a believer in 'relationships ending for a reason'. What I mean by this, is while you may be looking back romanticising about how great things were between you two when you were together - time has probably alerted your perception of your relationship with this past love. No-one really remembers the worst of a relationship; after time goes by - all we seem to remember are the good times and you begin to wonder if things would work out a second time around. It would be one thing to break up your family but don't do it to hers... I believe that if you two were meant to be together, it would have happened back when you were together - or at least a lot sooner than now.

Think of it this way: you don't want to be in the same position again in twenty years time, married to your second wife, romanticising about your first wife... let go of the past and look at what you have to look forward to with your wife and children.

Answer 3

You need to tell your wife first. Because it's a 'secret' it makes it more alluring to you and the other woman. It makes it more exciting, more romantic, sexy. And it's none of that. It would wreck your marriage, hers, your children, her children. It would hurt your wife, her husband, your parents, her parents...your friends would be pulled in different directions. Everyone in your life would be affected and it would be a very selfish thing of you to do, to keep this from your wife and to act on your feelings.

I didn't notice anyone else telling you to tell your wife. If you tell your wife, it will help. You can't be 'just friends' with this woman. Your wife should be your best friend. If you are a Christian, remember we are to 'avoid all appearances of evil' which would include being 'friends' with the opposite sex. I don't think it's wrong to be acquaintances with the opposite sex but it's been proven over and over what friendships of the opposite sex do to marriages.
By telling your wife, it will take the excitement out of this secret lover feeling you are having. Tell the other woman you are not emailing her anymore and not to contact you. Don't worry about hurting her feelings. She has a husband to go cry to.

This is nothing more than satan using you and your ex girlfriend as pawns in his game to destroy what God brought together. I know it isn't what you want to do, but you have to tell your wife. It is easy to fall into temptation and it takes a real man to walk away from it.
Remember that the grass is greener over the septic tank (the old girlfriend) too...don't start wondering how it would have been with her.
It would not be any different. Different person, different set of problems.
Marriage is like that. Nothing is perfect. When you are old and grey and you look back on this, you can be proud of the decision you made. Or if you make the wrong choice, you might just be sitting there alone, suffering the consequences of an affair. Alone, miserable, your children divided, your family ripped apart, and all for what?
This does not have to be confusing. There is nothing confusing about it. It's only confusing because you are sitting there thinking of ways you can get away with having an affair with this other woman.
Tell your wife now, and be the man she married. You should be talking to your wife about this. YOu know the right thing to do.

Answer 4

Hello, I think that you should consider your actual situation and to ponder everything, I mean, maybe just an innocent "hi" could be wrongly taken by your wife, and I would ask you if you could deal with this. On the other hand, I think that maybe you did not close completely your relationship. I sincerely doubt that you have now things in common with her, after 20 years, we all change and normally the first true love is very special, but I believe that you keep nice memories and you should keep them just as memories. If I were in your case, I would be very caution to avoid more confusion...I would avoid further contact with her. ... I wish you good luck

Answer 5

You have children and she is married, you have to put it out of your mind. Everyone always carries feelings for their first love, it doesn't go away. But you have 20 years with your wife, I'm sure there a lot of good memories there. You need to leave it alone and not e-mail anymore.

Answer 6

have you ever listened to the song sometimes i thank god for unawnsered prayers its a country song well be glad that you did end it with her because look shes basicly cheeting on her husband wanting to meet with you my advice is tell her to get lost and thank god for your long happy marriage and the 2 childeren , just think of how hurt your wife would be and your childeren , this is wrong please dont tear your family apart for this she is not worth it and she is inconciderit to others or she wouldent have even put her family in jeoperty either shes a looser get over her think of what you have with your family and how long your wife has stood beside you faithfully and trust is something alot of marriages lack and if you break that trust you may never get it back grass is not always greener on the otherside

Answer 7

think of the reasons you guys divorced.and think that now you have a wonderful family that loves you and you've been withh it for two decades.Now you es-girlfrind just showed you a picture of her and you are starting to feel things again.if you don't or want to take her out of your mind then WHY THE HECK DID YOU MARRY AGAIN?think of it before you get divorced>

Answer 8

you are feeling what you felt back then .. and that is normal.. but remember why she is your ex.. it is OK to be Friends as long as the person your married to and she is married to is OK with it.. they may even become friends..who knows.. sit down and think about how great she was and how great your wife is.. and i am sure you will realize that what you have now is ten time better than what you had then

Answer 9

The more you stay in contact with her, the more likely that something is going to occur.

Don't destroy your entire family over some old longings. I suggest you find a really good therapist pronto and STOP contacting her!!!!

Answer 10

things are different i am sure after all this time, it is unwise to go back into the past, it didn't work out than and it may not now, i would not jeopardize my family for something u felt in the past. distance yourself from her, the feelings are from the past, and are not the feelings u have now.