help with a 5 year old who back talks?

Question

My son Miles is starting to drive me crazy! Whenever I tell him to go do something he'll just back talk and start more frustration. Taking away priveliges, spanking etc. isn't helping. He back talks dad too, and we're on the same page with disciplining. My husband is an ex-marine and tollerates no such behavior, but Miles doesn't seem to mind the punishments. He'll just walk away from you, if you grab hold of him, he'll wiggle away or hit to get away... he's our only child thusfar and its making me not want any more! Stressed out mom here, please help

Answer 1

Have you evaluated your approach to asking him to do something? I have a 6 year old who started to backtalk a lot and I found that if I got down on her level, asked her nicely with her full attention in a positive way, and gave her words of encouragement that she was much more likely to do what it was that I asked. And after she did it I would make a huge deal out of what she did and tell her she was acting so grown up. That kept a cycle going that is still working for us. If I see she has made her bed I compliment her on her "grown up" behavior and hug her. Sometimes a change from negative discipline to positive discipline works really well for stubborn kids.

Just know that 5 year olds tend to backtalk, it's an age thing. Do not tolerate it but don't let it rile you up or he will know he has power to get you upset.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Well, as you can see, it's hard to give advice on this - everyone's got their own ideas. We can offer suggestions, but you've got to pick what you think is best and try to make it work. For what it's worth, here are some things I think worked with my boys:
1. Be clear and simple. Tell him what you want to have happen and explain the consequences if it doesn't; then you _must_ follow through on it, so don't make threats you're not prepared to back up.
2. Any punishment should be used sparingly - do the same thing too often and it loses its effect. This goes much, much more for physical punishment. One swat on the backside, when almost never used, can be hugely more effective than frequent spankings. Remember, the goal is to change the kid's behavior, not just to punish him to make you feel better or in control.
3. Discipline in cold blood - no screaming or being out-of-control. A scared kid won't learn anything.
4. No punishment will always be effective, and every kid has some punishment that works. A hard part of being a parent is constantly trying to stay one step ahead of the kids when it comes to training them.
5. Do it now; the longer he gets away with it, the harder it will be to get him to change his behavior. Work together with your husband as much as possible; if he can play you two off against each other, he will.
6. Lots of affection (hugging, romping) helps a lot with kids - it's easier to get him to do something for you if he wants to than to make him do something when he doesn't want to.
7. Don't act weak or helpless - little boys seem to be like puppies; they need to have you be the calm, but determined boss.
Talk to him and listen to him, but don't let him make the rules. The 'forced choice' is very useful - let him choose between two options that you present; this way he feels like he's making the choice, but most kids don't usually realize that both choices are yours.
Now, of course most of this will be of limited help if he really does have a behavior problem, but I would put that way down on the likelihood list until you have some really compelling reason to think so. From what you describe, he sounds like a pretty normal kid. Still, you know him best - if you're really concerned, talk to a pro. Your family doctor might be a place to start.

Answer 3

It sounds like he could have a behavior problem like oppositional defiant disorder. There are online resources available like http://www.conductdisorders.com/ that could help. I'd advise a visit to a therapist as they can get a better idea of exactly what the problem is and put you in touch with the best ways of dealing with it, as well as support groups to help you de-stress and share experiences and parenting techniques with those who have similar difficulties.

The one thing I'd say for sure is, deal with the problem now. The earlier you are able to catch things, the better off you'll all be.

Answer 4

Sounds very much as though you two are intimidated by your 5 year old. He talks back because the consequences of doing so are much less than the rewards. This is very dangerous behavior because it lets him be the boss and that's very damaging. Think about what he values and take that away when he misbehaves--no slipping out, no "next times" he must have consequences EVERY single time.

Answer 5

good luck i have a 3 year old same way i have been told its waht little boys do i cant tell you how to fix him i can say some times brakes from him by your self will give you the stangth to deal when he is bad i have told my husbend that we each need a day away a month whti out kids or work and it seems when it my turn i really need it and when i come back i really miss them and it gives me the stangth to deal with the problems good luck

Answer 6

I read something in a book once and I'll never forget it... Try talking to your 5 year old like an adult. Don't baby talk him and don't let him know if you're getting angry. Instead of "If you do that again you're going to your room!!" try "Honey you really shouldn't do that because you could end up getting hurt." Trust me with this... Children LOVE philosophy. Remember that everything happens for a reason and he just might keep acting up until someone explains that reason to him. Also, try not to talk about him in front of him as though he's not there. Children hate to feel ignored. I know that's one that that irked my nerves as a kid... Good luck

Answer 7

just sit him in a chair for 5 min. if he continues he have no privileges for 5 days this works with my 2 years old but if my son continues he get his v-smile and TV and movies and sleepovers taken away for that week in the mean time take your self a long bubble bath cuz you need one stress out mommy

Answer 8

who's the boss? don't spank, that's lazy parenting, try timeouts don't you watch super nanny, he's five so five minutes, one warning, and be consistent, every time, get to his level eye to eye and tell him that's not acceptable behavior in an authority voice not yelling, and after his five minutes have him apologize, if he gets up his five minutes starts again, the trick to ALL discipline is consistency

Answer 9

- find out where he's getting this from (day care, friend at school, etc) and put a stop to it

- be firm, correct him every time he does this

- try to find new punishments that are meaningful to him (time out, less play time, take toys away, etc)

Answer 10

tough love... we got our mouthes watched out with soap... last time i back talked.