Am I really that bad? (prefer answers from married women) but all are welcome?

Question

I've been married over 10 years now and just cant seem to get it right. Am I really that bad of a guy? I know I will be biased towards me to make me look good but I will start wiith the bad. I am obssesed with the Jeep thing I have 3 Jeeps and one is being sold. I am also obssesed with the fire dept. That being said I have to admit I spend a lot of time at the fire station. Here lately I've spent quite a bit of time on the internet too. Now for me looking good. I get up at 5 am monday through friday and go to work. I get the kids after school and get them through their homework and snacks you all know the routine. I then get dinner ready laundry and other stuff around the house done. I never go "out with the guys" When I go on a Jeep trip I have at least 1 kid with me or the wife. Other than the fire dept. I don't do anything outside the home. Why do I have to pay for the sins of an ex husband? Am I really that bad? If you have any questions or need more info please ask. Thank you

I see a lot of responses concerning my time with her and I agree. But in my defense we cant spend time together if she isn't home or available. We go out once a month on a real date and it helps. We have 5 kids and it is very hard to balance eachother and the kids. I think to "get away" she goes out of her way to do things for other people so she isn't home. She then expects all to be done when she comes home. She is more like a mother than a wife. Her complaints are that I am a "grump" and other things don't get done around the house. I cant do things when no one is around to watch the kids. Our youngest is 3 and our oldest is18. The 18 year old is never home. I spend about 3to 4 hours a week at the F.D. and some weeks I don't do anything with it. My #1 jeep has been down for 2 weeks and I have been putting it off because I have no time to fix it. I'm only on the net when she is not home and I get bored. I do not look at stuff that is inapropiate. I think she just wants to control me.

Answer 1

You sound like a pretty good husband to me. If your wife is complaining about not spending enough time with her add a few more date nights. And try for a little alone time each day with her. Even if it is only a few minutes. Good luck, I hope she realizes the treasure she has in you.

Answer 2

I'm not qualified to say since I don't reside under your roof. Is there something???perhaps, some certain detail, that you're not telling us. As I read your question, it does not seem that you are bad or that the marriage has unsolvable problems.

I hesitate to suggest counseling, since couples often go into it with the idea that it is the OTHER person who is at fault, and spend time making accusations to the counselor, trying to prove how one person is right and the other person is in the wrong.

All that being said, it sounds as if you could benefit from some time with a counselor who is skillful in counseling couples. (I have not found many pastors or ministers who are good at this, so I'm not suggesting your priest, minister, or rabbi.)

Having 5 children is not an easy task, and neither you nor your wife can be faulted for needing some time to pursue individual hobbies and interests--apart from dates, or outings involving the wife and kids.
You need not feel guilty for having interests you would like to be able to enjoy without little ones with you.
You are not a bad person, as you describe yourself, but as an outsider it is impossible to accurately judge between 2 parties in a marriage!

Answer 3

3 hrs. anywhere is too much. And the "toys" require a bunch of time (& $?). The youngsters need your time-all you got. When your bored, teach the kids a new card game or get envolved in model-making, for examples. Rather than jeeping with 1 or 2 @ a time, why not family trips or excursions? These create family memories and are bonding. What wife wouldn't adore a man who doted on her young? If she is accepting of 1 jeep, what about your working on it with the oldest? This could be good for the two of you.

Answer 4

You don't sound like such a bad guy. Maybe you could try to change the dating thing to twice a month. Then aim for once a week. As you go along, spending more time on dates, see if that improves things. It sounds like you are trying to defend yourself against her criticisms. With 5 kids, there's a lot of work to do at home. Those date nights might make the difference.

Answer 5

Truth be told, you sound like one hell of a husband and I commend you for that. All that you do is so great and there is nothing wrong with it from where I sit. However, there may be room for just a tad more. First let me say that us females tend to carry hurt from past relationships more deeply. It's not intentional. It's just that when we are with you, we are WITH YOU. Now on the surface, yes the things you do for the household and with the family are great but perhaps to help your wife along in her healing you should add a tad more. Flowers just because it's Tuesday and I love my wife. A bubble bath and massage just because I'm married to the sexiest woman in the world. A nice picture on the dash of your Jeep for her to see so that she knows you have the hottest wife and want the world to know it. I'm sure you do things for her all of the time but trust me, random little sweet nothings along the way at unexpected times work wonders. Before long she'll be feeling so damn good you won't have any complaints except that you need to hurry back to bed for round 7! LOL Good Luck and God Bless!

Answer 6

Oh my goodness you sound like a great husband. Its ok for you to have hobbies and at the same time you help your wife w/ the kids and house work can I borrow you? You are not a bad husband she is lucky it could be worse you could be doing more manly things that bachelors do. You are everything most of us women would want in a man you tell your wife to ease up on you or I am going to borrow you ha! ha! As long as you are being good to your wife we know you are doing great w/ the kids then she needs to go easy on you. I am happily married but you can come to my house and do all them things so I can work I am faithful so you will have to go home to her when your done. You should be proud of yourself you work,you are a good father,take care of the home what more could a wife want take it easy dont be so hard on yourself.

Answer 7

you are not bad--you work, support your family, you don't go to bars and drink all night, you help with cooking , housework and probably don't cheat. What more could a woman want. You deserve time to yourself and if jeeps are your thing then enjoy them, and enjoy your trips , and you are to be commended for bringing one of the kids. Joining the F.D. is a great thing , and being on the net should not pose a problem,( unless you are obsessed with porn) you are home, that is what counts
My hubby and I have an agreement, whoever gets home first starts supper, the other cleans it up. We clean the house on Sat , i start and one end he starts at the other. He likes to go on fishing trips with his brother, I like to play Bingo. We both work and deserve our little times to goof off alone, it does not make you a bad person. I think any woman would love to meet a man like you.

Answer 8

it's a 2 way street, you are not superman, she has to make any attempt to, she sounds like she is allowed to get pissed off and you are not.

i've been married 11 years this month, i have 18 and 17 yrs old he has 16 yr old. he works 12 hour rotating shifts 2 weeks days then 2 weeks graveyard. he has a second job head umpire for the small town where we live, i help out to, i work 40+ hours a week, i drive out of town to work every day. we cell phone each other alot, we rotate making dinner for the kids, i mostly see him either when i'm sleeping or we might have a day off together, he goes to umpire clinics,umpires out of town. i just don't get mad anymore, i figure he works hard for the things that we have and so do i, we almost live seperate lives, and then theres that balance where we make the day and the time to spend, watching a movie eating out,whatever we end up doing, we always end up falling asleep real soon afterwards, but at least we know we are together at that very moment.

but our kids are almost gone........................................

Answer 9

Oh my gosh you sound just like my husband. Being "there" and spending time with someone is 2 different things. You probably know which button to push for your Jeeps to run correctly, do you know what makes your wife happy ? Small talks, a flower, a big hug...
Other than that, you sound like a nice guy. Lost, but nice.

Answer 10

It sounds as though you've become, "The Machine". Your life has become routine and you haven't taken the time to consider the way your wife feels. I know you are probably a great father, and most likely a really good provider. However, try to take some time to be a good husband as well. Trust me, it is the little things that mean the most.