This is a bit lengthy but i really need some advice !!! At 6 I was molested by my 12yr old half brother....?

Question

Our mother walked in the room and caught him...he had me stashed behind the dresser with no underwear....my father, (his step-father) physically beat the hell out of him and i was made to watch. He never really did anything major after that...we are now grown and have children of our own...My mother who has never believed my side of the story is trying to force me to develope a relationship with my brother and his family....The thing is i am not the only person he has done this to...i have SEVERAL cousins who went through it too...he has never admitted to anyone what he did to me and he has never apologized....I have forgiven him....but i cannot forget and i feel sorry for his children...i don't want to know them and worry for them....i have no desire to be a part of his life in any way...i don't love him...he is my mother's son and nothing more to me...how do i make my mother understand without hurting her...she is getting old and wants to see her children united

Answer 1

Your mother wants a fantasy that she can never have...moreso, because she took the side of evil by protecting your half-brother.

Your mother is just as guilty as he is, because she KNEW, and chose to ignore the act. If you give in to her, or if you even pretend that all is well, you will give her the means to justify her years of denial.

What she is looking for is a way to assuage her guilt, without having to apologize for her role in your pain. Don't sacrifice yourself so that she can die pretending that she was right all along, that nothing really ever happened.

If she wants to make things right, demand that she apologize for never acknowledging your injury. Let her know that you will no longer have any contact with your half-brother, until he has made an apology that seems sufficiently sincere, and that you will not allow him to be close to you or your family until you are convinced that what happened years ago did not become a persistent part of his character.

I'm glad that you can forgive, but they should have to show they want to be forgiven before you allow your family ties to be mended.

Answer 2

You're grown now and he can no longer harm you. I think you should go and make your mother happy but make absolutely certain that you look him directly in the eyes and let him know that he no longer intimidates you and that the only feelings you have for him are those of contempt. Of course you don't want to do this in the presence of your mother.
He's a child molester and to me that is one of the lowest forms of life.
Making your mother happy in her later years at the expense of having to see this monster is worth it. You have no promise of tomorrow with your Mom. That is the most important thing here. When she dies at least you'll know that you tried to make her happy while she was here.
You already know what he is and if you even suspect that he's molesting his own children, DON'T WAIT.....REPORT HIM immediately after you learn that for a fact!
Do go and see your mom and at least pretend in front of her that you are a family united.
I said you owe that to your mom but that doesn't mean you owe him anything, not even a kind word after you've made your Mom happy.
On the side, make sure he knows that you want no part of him and tell him how you feel about him to his face!
Perhaps this will give you a modicum of closure in what he did to you and what you know he did to others.
Keep in mind that pedophilia has no cure! Many have been incarcerated and were deemed 'cured' then released just to go back to the old lifestyle of molesting again.
Unite in front of your Mom but if he wants to play it nasty, that's his decision.
Show your Mom that you are the better person. Show her the love you think she deserves but keep in mind what you plan to do if you suspect he has not changed.

Answer 3

I can understand what you're going through. I was 11 when my uncle-through-marraige did the same to me. Major sexual things. No one believed me but took the side of a 31 year old. It was really hard for me. I'm 20 and I still have dreams. If you're mother doesnt want to understand and still refuses after all these years then the only thing I really can tell you is to just focus on you and your family and try not to let the past haunt you. It's hard I know. But you seem strong enough. Remember: "only the strong survive."

Answer 4

Show her this question so that she can maybe realise the hurt you have been carrying around for all these years.
Try to get her to realise that, by forcing you into a relationship you are not comfortable in, she is condoning his treatment of you all those years ago.
Explain that you do not want your children to be in his company since you know first hand what he is capable of.
I believe that no amount of rehabilitation can "cure" someone like him. What he did was not the result of a normal 12 yr olds curiosity about sex.
Stand your ground even if it causes arguments.

Answer 5

hmmm well I will first say that you DO NOT have to do anything cause your mom is getting older...She may be trying to act like nothing happened ...But in fact you know very well what he has done...He has children and they are likely to become his next "victim"....I can only hope someone tell the children all the children that ....
There are no secrets between you and if anyone try's to touch them inappropriatly they need to tell someone as soon as possible....If I were you I would keep his sorry A** as far away from me and my children as possible....Dont let him even get near you or your children..I hope you dont let your children stay with your mother where he can easily go and see them..
I honstly wouldnt pay my mother any attention when it comes to this kind of victimzation...what he did was beyond words..Please do not let him do it again....No matter what your mother thinks...feels or otherwise....It seems a bit harsh but she dosnt want to see the facts....Your dad caught him that was fact enough....
God Bless~Take Care

Answer 6

Unfortunately this is not a perfect world. I understand forgiveness without forgetting. Can you have a distant relationship with this half brother for the sake of your mother? It doesn't sound like it. If not, you will have to deal with your mother's awareness that you will never be friendly with your half brother. Truth is, she probably has a guilty conscience and this is her way of dealing with it. It doesn't take a lot of common sense to realize a 6yr old can not defend herself against a 12 yr old. FYI, I have been separated from some of my family for years. I do not feel guilty about it and like you, I do not carry any grudges. Good luck!

Answer 7

I would just tell your mom that you don't want to be around him. Whether or not she believes what happened to you, it is your choice. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be around him. Let her know that it hurts that she didn't believe you but that is the reason why you do not and should not be around him. Whether she wants to believe it or not is her choice, how you conduct yourself and who you choose to be around is your choice. I understand she is getting older and wants to have a happy family image, but this is a pretty serious thing. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to be around. The problem was never taken care of and he continued to molest other people as a result of it. Hopefully he is not doing the same right now with his own children or their friends.

Good luck with this. I think best bet is to put it on the table with your mom the next time she brings it up and let her know this is your final line about the issue.

Answer 8

hi ya, my family have been through the same thing, tell your mum that you don't need or want to be a part of your brothers life, if she has any respect for at all she will drop her perfect family fantasy. as for your brothers children if you have any doubts about there safety you need to do some thing report her to the authorities as you have been through this your self now would you want Innocent children to go through the same!!!! i think NOT. Be brave stand up to your mum and don't let her put you on a guilt trip.
good luck
shell

Answer 9

I feel for you first of all. If I knew of a child who may be in danger of molestation I would call child services and tell them what you know and that you are concerned may they look into it. Do your part and let the proper authorities deal with it. It doesn't matter if an adult gets all up set because the point is a child cannot distinguish right from wrong and they can't protect themselves. Please do your part and protect them. My best wishes go to you.

Answer 10

I'm sorry but your mother needs to not be so selfish. That was a very traumatic event in your life that you should never have to relive. And especially since he never apoligized to anyone you shouldn't have to have a relationship with him. Sometimes mother's know best, but not this time. Does his wife know? Were the police ever informed? I'm sure I would want to know if my husband were a molestor.