Does anyone have this problem with their step-kids?

Question

I have two step children. My husband and I got custody of the younger one about seven years ago when he was eleven. Their mother is a partier and encourages them to be just like her. They are grown now but the younger one is still in school. He still lives with us and doesnt help out at all with cleaning or food. We provide everything for him. I also have my daughter living with me who is grown but is going through a divorce and custody battle with her ex. She cant help out much because her ex doesnt pay much support and she has three very young kids. We help her because she needs it but I dont feel that his kids need as much help. They both work and have no kids yet they both constantly have their hands out wanting more and more and when I say anything to my husband he always says well were helping your daughter. He gives them whatever they ask for and he does it behind my back. He has told me to throw my daughter and her kids out but his son has everything he could want.

His daughter is coming over everyday now just to eat and sleep on the couch. I dont even want to think about a divorce but the problems have become so bad lately that I need a solution. We cant tell his son to leave until he graduates and my daughter cant leave until her case is over. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

As I said before they are ADULTS ---19 and 24.

My daughter is grown but she would be on the street if it werent for me. She has worked full time only to pay it to daycares. I cant let my daughter and grand chilren live on the street.

Answer 1

Wow! I think that there is a grain of truth in the the first answerer's remarks. However I am thinking from your side of things and I would feel most protective of my own child (whether they are an adult or not)... It's human nature to want to protect your own offspring and its very different when a child doesn't belong to you period. I am sure you love your husband very much but its not the same when it comes to his kids. That is mainly due to the reason that you have decided that things are that way. You see them as 'his' kids but actually even if they are not your blood, you are their second mother and may be the only thing good enough of a mother that they have.

The important question that you need to be asking yourself is how much does your marriage mean to you? You are both allowing others to shake the foundation of your life together and that's a serious issue that needs to be communicated.

I am not in your situation. My husband and I have children together that were born from our blood but even our children are not allowed to step inside the boundaries of our marital relationship. We just simply don't allow it. If they did cause problems (they are children and naturally they will push limits because its the parents role to guide them) we have allowed it to happen so it is our fault.

Also I would like to add to you that my parents were divorced and both remarried whenever I was still in school. And both of my parents basically orphaned me at a very vulnerable age which caused a lot of damage for me. As a result I had no direction for a long time until I finally learned with the help of others (not related) to take care of myself. That is exactly what I did and why I believe so strongly in my marriage and keeping my family together no matter what it takes. I don't hold anything against you personally I just thought it may help you see things from a different view.

So maybe instead of thinking on the point of 'his' and 'mine', you should instead think of something that you must face together and accept that even though these are not your children, God planned it that they became yours whenever you married each other. There is nothing wrong with them all living with you as long as they understand that you are a family unit and will do everything together. As for the chores and things go, ALL your children should be responsible to do their share. This is how it should be done and if you and your husband can't agree on that then maybe you should be apart. Best of luck to you but remember you and your husband have got to take control of the situation.

Answer 2

This is the number one problem with second marriages dealing with step children. It seems your husbands both children are under age and all they have is the father and you to depend on, as you say the mother doesnt sound too stable as she is a partier. So what choice do these children have but to depend on him and you. Your daughter has grown and made adult decisions and have brought three more children into the mix. His children are not yet adults and basically he owes them sorry to say. He is the father those poor kids need support. They should be helping out with chores though and your daughter should too. Your daughter is an adult and has come back with her whole brood. Sorry I agree totally with your husband. He is being a father and so he should be. You shouldnt be taking sides and having him hide helping his own children. You are being very selective on who should get your help. Your daughter should be on her own not coming back to Mommy at her age. She is the priviledged one not his kids. She is. You have to be fair or your marriage is going to suffer and God knows you say these terrible things in front of his poor kids that are NOT yet adults. Your daughter is an ADULT I do not care why she is there. She is there and she is old enough to be taking care of her children. Be fair as this is wrong of you sorry.

Answer 3

i'm sorry approximately the doorstep-daughter. i'm undecided how long you have been of their lives. yet its extremely known for infants to reject a step determine.... in basic terms shop attempting and don't supply up. do no longer improve a grudge or be mad at them. communicate over with them on a prevalent foundation. tell them your sorry their bio mom can not be there, besides as their dad as we communicate. yet you like them and could do something in all fairness to make their lives extra comfortable. That your there for them and not going everywhere. See if there are any determine-new child communities you are able to connect, or perhaps parenting instructions the place there are broken familys you are able to fulfill. so which you and the infants can communicate and study distinctive information on the thank you to deal which comprise your subject.

Answer 4

Tell your husband.
Stepfamilies Can Succeed

ARE SUCCESSFUL STEPFAMILIES POSSIBLE? YES, ESPECIALLY IF ALL INVOLVED REMEMBER that “all Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness.” (2 Timothy 3:16) When everyone applies Bible principles, success is virtually ensured.

The Basic Quality

The Bible sets down only a few actual laws to govern human relations. Mostly it encourages the cultivating of good qualities and attitudes that guide us to act wisely. Such good attitudes and qualities are the basis of happy family life.

It may seem self-evident, but it is nevertheless worth saying that the basic quality needed for any family to be successful is love. The apostle Paul said: “Let your love be without hypocrisy. . . . In brotherly love have tender affection for one another.” (Romans 12:9, 10) The word “love” is much misused, but the quality Paul referred to here is special. It is godly love, and it “never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:8) The Bible describes it as unselfish and ready to serve. It works actively for the good of others. It is patient and kind, never jealous, boastful, or conceited. It does not seek its own advantage. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope, to endure whatever comes.—1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Genuine love helps to smooth over differences and unite people with very different upbringings and personalities. And it helps to counteract the devastating effects of a divorce or a biological parent’s death. One man who became a stepfather describes his very real problems: “I was often too concerned about my own feelings to analyze the emotions of my stepchildren or even of my wife. I had to learn to be less sensitive. Most important, I had to learn to be humble.” Love helped him to make the needed changes.

The Biological Parent

Love can help in handling the children’s relationship with their now absent biological parent. A stepfather confides: “I wanted to have first place in my stepchildren’s affections. When they visited their biological father, I found it hard to resist the temptation to criticize him. When they returned after a pleasant day with him, I felt terrible. When they had a bad day, I was elated. Really, I was afraid of losing them. One of the most difficult things was to come to terms with the importance of the biological father’s role in my stepchildren’s lives.”

Genuine love helped this stepfather to face the fact that it was unrealistic to expect “instant” love. He should not have felt rejected when the children did not immediately accept him. He came to realize that he may never completely replace the biological father in his children’s hearts. The children had known this man from their earliest days, while the stepfather was a newcomer who would have to work for the children’s love. Researcher Elizabeth Einstein reflects the experience of many when she says: “The biological parent can never be replaced—never. Even a parent who is dead or one who has abandoned the children retains an important place in the children’s lives.”

Discipline—A Touchy Subject

The Bible indicates that loving discipline is essential for young people, and that includes stepchildren. (Proverbs 8:33) A number of professionals are coming around to the Bible’s position on this. Professor Ceres Alves de Araújo stated: “By nature no one likes limits, but they are necessary. ‘No’ is a protective word.”

However, in a blended family, views on discipline can lead to serious rifts. Stepchildren have in part been molded by an adult who is now absent. Likely, they have habits or customs that may irritate the stepparent. And they probably do not understand why the stepparent feels strongly about certain matters. How to deal successfully with the situation? Paul exhorts Christians: “Pursue . . . love, endurance, mildness of temper.” (1 Timothy 6:11) Christian love helps both stepparent and children to be mild and patient as they learn to understand one another. If the stepparent is impatient, ‘anger, wrath, and abusive speech’ can quickly ruin any relationship that has been achieved.—Ephesians 4:31.

Insight into what will help in this was provided by the prophet Micah. He said: “What is Jehovah asking back from you but to exercise justice and to love kindness and to be modest in walking with your God?” (Micah 6:8) Justice is vital when administering discipline. But what about kindness? One Christian elder relates that it was often difficult to get his stepchildren up on Sunday morning to share in congregation worship. Rather than berating them, he tried kindness. He got up early, prepared breakfast, then took each of them a warm drink. As a result, they were much more inclined to heed his appeal to get up.

Professor Ana Luisa Vieira de Mattos made the following interesting comment: “It is not the type of family that is important but the quality of the relationship. In my studies I have observed that young people who have behavioral problems almost always come from families in which there is weak parental supervision, a lack of rules and communication.” She also said: “It can never be sufficiently emphasized that rearing children implies the need to say no.” In addition, Drs. Emily and John Visher stated: “Basically, discipline works only when the person receiving the discipline cares about the reactions of and the relationship with the person doing the disciplining.”

These remarks touch on the question of who in stepfamilies should administer the discipline. Who should be the one to say no? After talking matters over, some parents have decided that, to begin with, the biological parent should be the main disciplinarian in order to give the stepparent time to build a closer relationship with the children. Let the children learn to feel confident of the stepparent’s love for them before being disciplined by him or her.

What if the stepparent is the father? Does not the Bible say that the father is the head of the family? Yes. (Ephesians 5:22, 23; 6:1, 2) However, a stepfather may wish to delegate the matter of discipline for a while, especially if it involves punishment. He may allow the children to obey ‘the law of their mother’ while he lays a foundation for them to ‘listen to the discipline of their [new] father.’ (Proverbs 1:8; 6:20; 31:1) Evidence shows that, in the long run, this does not work against the principle of headship. In addition, one stepfather says: “I remembered that discipline includes admonition, correction, and reproof. When this is given in a just, loving, and compassionate way and is backed up by parental example, it usually works.”

Parents Need to Communicate

Proverbs 15:22 says: “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk.” In a stepfamily, calm and frank confidential talk between the parents is vital. A columnist in the newspaper O Estado de S. Paulo observed: “Children always tend to test the limits set by the parents.” That may be doubly true in stepfamilies. Hence, the parents need to come to an agreement on different matters so that the children will see that they are united. What, though, if a stepparent acts in a way that the biological parent feels is unjust? Then the two should sort things out in private, not in front of the children.

One mother who remarried relates: “The most difficult thing for a mother is to see the stepfather disciplining her children, especially if she feels that he is acting hastily or is not truly just. It breaks her heart, and she wants to defend her children. At such times, it is hard to remain subject to one’s husband and support him.

“On one occasion, my two boys, aged 12 and 14, asked their stepfather’s permission to do something. He immediately refused and then left the room without giving the boys any opportunity to explain why the request was important to them. The boys were ready to cry, and I was speechless. The older boy looked at me and said: ‘Mom, did you see what he did?’ I answered: ‘Yes, I did. But he is still the head of the house, and the Bible tells us to respect headship.’ They were good boys and agreed with this, and they calmed down a little. That same evening, I explained things to my husband, and he realized that he had been too authoritarian. He went straight to the boys’ room and apologized.

“We learned a lot from that incident. My husband learned to listen before making decisions. I learned to uphold the principle of headship, even when it hurts. The boys learned the importance of being in subjection. (Colossians 3:18, 19) And my husband’s heartfelt apology taught us all an important lesson in humility. (Proverbs 29:23) Today, both sons are Christian elders.”

Mistakes will be made. Children will say or do things that hurt. Pressures of the moment will lead stepparents to act unreasonably. However, those simple words, “I am sorry, please forgive me,” can do much to heal wounds.

Strengthening Family Unity

It takes time to build a warm relationship in a stepfamily. If you are a stepparent, you need to show empathy. Be understanding, ready to spend time with the children. Play with the younger ones. Be prepared to talk with the older ones. Look for opportunities to spend time together—for example, invite the children to help with household tasks, like preparing dinner or washing the car. Invite them to come along and help when you go to the supermarket. In addition, small, affectionate gestures might show the love you feel. (Of course, stepfathers should be careful to observe proper boundaries with their stepdaughters and not make them feel uncomfortable. And stepmothers should remember that boys have boundaries too.)

Stepfamilies can be successful. Many are. The most successful are those in which all involved, especially the parents, cultivate right attitudes and realistic expectations. The apostle John wrote: “Beloved ones, let us continue loving one another, because love is from God.” (1 John 4:7) Yes, heartfelt love is the real secret of a happy stepfamily.