How do you deal with making sure you give enough love and attention to your step child as you do your own.?

Question

It seems like I will never love my step child the same way I love my own. It is a natural attraction to go to my own first, and I feel guilty everyday that I don't do enough and provide enough for my step child. On the other hand, I feel like any additional attention given to the step child retracts from time spent with my biological child. Any advice from parents in similar situations? Thanks

Answer 1

Here's the deal. The truth is that there is a difference, one is your flesh and blood and the other is not. As long as you don't 'pretend' otherwise, then I do not believe you are doing anyone a disservice. Your stepchild already has a father, and you are not there to replace him, your role is that of a loving parent, but no one expects you to be Daddy. AND it's OK to tell your stepchild if they are old enough to understand. You can tell him/her, "I sure am glad you are in my life, I really enjoy having a stepchild, and I hope you know I'm not trying to be your Daddy, but I do really cherish being your stepDaddy."

All that said, act with love, caring, honor, and as much fairness as you can. The fact that you are even worried about it shows that you are doing a good job. Also, the good news where your bio child is concerned is that it's good for him/her to see you spreading the love and embracing another person into the family. There's enough to go around, isn't there?

Answer 2

You need to show them equality. The first thing I would suggest is that you refrain from using the term "step". Just using that word makes the child aware that you don't look at him/her equally. My Fiance' and I are planning to get married and we have looked into making vows to the children as well. Me to her boys, and her to my son and daughter.
The only thing that a child knows best is that he/she wants to be loved and doesn't understand why one child is treated differently than another until they become older,and then it becomes a slap in the face to them.
You are the only person that can change the way you are treating the children, and you need to think about how the other parent feels when you are treating his/her child(ren) in a lesser manner than your own.

Answer 3

You have to conscientiously reassure you step child that you love him/her. You can do this by spending quality time with both your children. Too often these days, parents are too busy to spend time (quality time) with their children. You must make time every day to read, play and talk with your children. When you come home always ask your children how they enjoyed their day and take the time to listen to their response.
When it comes to disciplining your children, avoid spanking. If you find that you have to resort to spanking, you are doing something wrong. Yeah I know! I know! People will give you all kinds of excuses why you should spank your children. Some will even say that it's the "christian" philosophy. Don't believe it!
Disciplining your children must also start at an early age. When you tell your child that he is doing something wrong, take a moment to explain to him/her the reason why it is wrong. Don't shout! Just tell your child that he shouldn't do it and wait for his miss-behaviour to stop.
If you spend quality time with your children, you will develop a trusting and respectful relationship and your children will want to do things to please you rather than annoy you.
There are lots of good books about parenting and disciplining your children.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

Love is not a limited resource, and compassion and respect aren't either. The more you spend, the more you have, so I don't understand the concept at ALL of saying that attention to your stepchild detracts from your own. It's like saying that spending time with your husband detracts from time with your child. That child is part of your husband, an innocent being in this relationship, left without choice, and I can guarantee you that the child will always feel that discordance unless you figure out a way to honor and respect the child for who s/he is. Every child is special and deserving of love and respect and time.

I was the stepchild. I still feel the pain. my stepmother still has my stepbrother living at home at 26 because he 'needs help' but has always firmly pointed out that my brother and I don't need things from her. Yes, yes we do, we need love and time, and we need to feel that we are worth just as much as he is. She's bought his car, she paid for the downpayment on his boat, she's paid some of his college, and wouldn't even cosign a loan for a car for me when I turned 16.

Answer 5

Its not natural just because your children come from your body to love them more. Your the type that should never adopt a child. If you can't show your step children love and attention maybe you should tell them that you have metal issues and its not their fault. You shouldn't of married someone with kids. I bet if your husband treated "your kids" like step kids you wouldnt like it.

Answer 6

Not in your situation.....but I am a step-daughter...

I think that whatever you do with your biological child should also be done for the other.
Unfortunately if you do things with one & not the other, your stepson will notice, even if you think he doesn't notice or even mind...

Hopefully if you start giving them both the same amount of attention, your stepson will warm up to you more, & you to him...

You never know what could happen....good luck...

Answer 7

The easiest way to know that you are treating your step children the same as your own is to see them as your own. I am raising two step children, and you wouldn't even know they are not mine. I give each of my children special time so they all feel special. They love alone time with mommy only.

Answer 8

I am I would say this you have to find a balence kind of like a common ground, like me when I buy for my kid and my step-duagther is over I get for her too because it is fair, you have to put fairness with love, and copassion if you love the person that you are with then you will be able to over come that whole thing you have to let it go and just think of what if,

Answer 9

well you can treat your step child the same way as your own child or you can let them be friends and like go to the movies togther. ( do the same kind of stuff with one another)

Answer 10

You cannot control who you love more. But you can make sure that you treat them equally. If you do for one, then you do for the other. If you take your daughter out to get ice cream - make sure sometime soon you take your step daughter out to do something. Children understand fair.