Is my boyfriend controlling? Are his actions weird?

Question

My boyfriend and I will have been together for 3 years in May. We broke up in November and have remained very close. We're not "back together" yet, but we're together every day, he's staying at my house again, we tell each other we love each other and when we talk about our future we talk about our future with each other in it. The only problem is, I believe he has some serious jealousy or controlling issues. Or insecurities. He absolutely HATES the idea of me going online and chatting with friends, he complains about the fact that I have a myspace account, he doesn't like me so much as talking to guy friends on the phone (and these are people that I've know for as long as 7-9 years now) and just last week he was meeting me outside of math and I was talking to a classmate who happens to be a guy and this classmate had two guy friends with him, and we were talking about the professor... this bothered my boyfriend. (continued on another post)

(continued) He got irritated and walked away and ignored me for nearly TWO DAYS. In December he bumped into a classmate from his Accounting 101 class. And him and her exchanged numbers and agreed to try and sign up for the same Accounting 102 class together. They ended up in the same class and when I found out about this I was pretty pissed. He doesn't hang out with anyone aside from me and his family, he doesn't have any guy friends that he so much as talks to on the phone. He said he doesn't feel it's important. Yet he went out of his way to sign up for a class with this girl? When I told him how I felt he said he would switch to a different time slot, but never did. Now, 3 months later, I find out he's been sitting next to her in class every day and they "talk" and he still has his number in her phone. Normally I wouldn't care, but it's completely out of character and if I was doing the same he'd proabably have an anurism. Please comment??

P.S. I'm 24 years old, working full time and in college full time. I don't have time for H.S. games. So please don't think I'm one of those little teenage girls that post asking questions and never do anything with the response. I'm looking for serious responses from people who aren't going to just post one sentence to get 2 points. Thanks.

Answer 1

No matter what kind of advice you get you're most likely going to do what you want to anyway.

Answer 2

I think what gave me the red alert is that you said he has no friends (guys). Just you and his family. I hate to sound harsh but there must be something wrong within his character, guys are a good judjment of character when it comes to each other. Just the same as girls are. Or maybe he is just focusing all his attention on you, and can't be bothered with having guy friends. Regardless, that is not healthy. The longer this goes on, the more his insecurities will come into play. In my opinion you should really consider letting him go. Some people need a little shove. It wuold probably be an opportunity for him to do some soul searching and hopefully work on his inner demons. He may not see it that way and it could take a long time or he may just find another girl to make him feel good about himself. But you have to ask yourself if this behavior is something you could live with your whole life.

Answer 3

The question you've got to ask yourself is who is more important in your life you or him. Are you happy now probably not. So you have to sit and think things out and worry about #1: That by the way should always be the easy answer YOU. Yes he seems controlling but why are you with him to begin with? Have you forgotten what is good about him, are you constantly fighting? Do you have fun together? Why is he so insecure? I would sit down by myself and just write maybe on the computer, write everything out of what has been going on in your mind, what you want to say but can't and then you don't have to keep it just back space it's that simple. Then talk to him, tell him "I am 24 years old and I don't need this bull I love you but really I want to worry about my future before it goes to our future." Obviously you want him in your life so you don't have to push him away but there has to be some changes in your life or you'll never be happy. Make your choice based on your happiness.

Answer 4

Yes he's a controller and a manipulator.I can't understand why you allowed him to move back into your house before you resolved your problems.
There is a reason why he has no friends and it's not because it's not important to him.He's trying to isolate you from everyone so he has total control over you.His jealousy of you should also be a warning sign. also.
I wouldn't put too much worry into this other girl either.It's just another way of trying to control you by making you jealous and he's just using her also.
Why should you have to give up friends who you've known for yrs? Guys or gals!!!
I feel there should be big "WARNING" signs put up in front of you.Get him out of your house and out of your life as quickly as possible.Sooner rather than later.
This guy sounds as though he has big problems and you don't need that in your life.You sound like a mature,smart lady to me.
Good luck dear and God Bless.

Answer 5

This is good that you are recognising all the signs now and not years later when you have been married and have children...Your relationship is never going to work...leave him because if you stay with him then you will regret it..he will beg and plead and tell you that he will change but he wont as he cannot..he will do exactly the same to any other woman he is with...DO NOT listen to his begging and pleading be strong and finish with him.

Answer 6

Believe me this will only get worse, you need to seperate yourself from him. Brak things off with him for good, you can be his friend but not right away you guys both need time to get over eachother before you can just be friends. Because I'm telling you from experience that jealously will only get worse and you will end up having a bad relationship with guy and your life will be stressful... you don't want to deal with that because you are still so young.

Answer 7

tell him the fastest way to lose you is to confine you.

tie him up one day and leave him for about an hour. after you come back explain that is what he is doing to your quality of life.

tell him you love him but you can't stand control issues and he has to just put up with it cause you don't diss your friends for someone giving you mental abuse.

....................too hard? then just tall him you can't take his complaining and you will continue to see your friends whether they are guys or gals. the kiss him and tell him you love him even though he is a mental case.

Answer 8

No... he is just jealous... tell him to get an account with My Space too... and that he can talk to all the girl friends that he has... that way you can both be happy...

Answer 9

Hello,

Most of the time people who are insecure with themselves do have a tendency to want to isolate the people whom they are in a relationship with. The fact that he is insecure for what ever reason may not be your fault. Unless you have given him a reason to not trust you in the past, you should not have to play by a different set of rules for your relationship than he does. He obviously thinks that one set of rules apply for you but an entirely different set of rules, (if any) ,applies to himself.
Where the controlling issues come to play is that he is doing the very things that he doesn't want you to do. I do wonder however, why are you, ( and he ), saying that you are not back together? You are doing almost all of the things that people who are together in a relationship do. Have you and he discussed being back "together", or is it something that has not been brought up since you and he are doing the things that people who are together do? If this is the case I could understand. However, if it has been discussed and one or both of you do not want to define yourselves as "together" then there are issues there deeper than the control and jealousy!
As far as the topic of chatting on line to other people I can see where your boyfriend might be a little upset. Not that you are chatting with people that you have known for years, but any new people that you might begin chatting with could have the tendency to become a problem. I do not in any way believe that you should quit talking to friends that you have had before and during this relationship, no matter what their gender might be!
I know from experience that controlling boyfriends want to isolate you from everyone but them. They also do not seem to think that they should have to do the same and can't seem to understand why you are upset when they don't! What typically happens is that over a period of time you lose who you are and no one should have to do that. You should surround yourself with people who inspire you to be you and do more, and be happy with you when you do. Everyone deserves that in life.
As for the issue with the girl that he bumped into and enrolled in the same class with, there are many things that COULD be wrong with that. First of all, is this something that he openly told you? Or, is is something that you found out some other way? Same for the fact that he has been sitting next to her and talking to her in class. If it is something that he openly admitted, there might not be anything to it and he is just using it to make you jealous. However, you said that he did go out of his way to take a class with her and did not change classes even when he said he would. Is that something that you pressed the issue on or did you just let it go? I have a feeling the latter of the two. I can only assume that since he appeased you at the time by saying what you wanted to hear, you let it go. I would mention it again just to see what his explanation for not switching classes is going to be. If he has an explanation that you can live with then let it go. If he gets defensive or upset then there might be something more to it. You didn't mention how often they talk on the phone, if at all, outside of class. You just stated that he has her number still in his phone and that he doesn't have many friends that he does talk to normally. If there is outside of class phone conversations more than the usual just to keep in touch phone calls, then that might be something as well.
What you do not want to do is press issues that may not be as significant to you, or issues that you feel are not worth causing havoc in your relationship. You should just let these things go and write them off as part of two people who love each other go through and realize that you can not change. However, the things that you know bother you to the point that when they happen they go against the standards that you have set for yourself and set as things that you accept and do not accept from the people in which you are involved, then those things I truely believe you should address. Just remember, people are going to do exactly what they want to do. If you give him too much static about it he will just keep those things from you so that he doesn't have to deal with it. You don't want him to begin to lie to you or keep things from you because he is scared of what your reaction will be.
The most important thing that I can tell you is remember that NO MATTER how hard you try or methods you use can you ever Change someone! People can change on their own however it is rare. It is more common that people adapt rather than truely change. When people adapt they show changes temporarily however, they resort back to their old ways more times than not! With saying that I also believe MORE THAN ANYTHING that we "train" people how to treat us. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we set a certain set of standards for how we will allow others to treat us. We also have certain categories in which we "file" people when it comes to this set of standards. Someone that we love have a different level of treatment in which we will tolerate versus a total stranger. What happens is, for many different reasons (people have bad days or just want to "test the waters" to see how people will react) someone does something good or bad to us and depending on how we are feeling, we react. From that moment on what we have said to the other person is when you do something I react this certain way. For example, the very first time that your boyfriend raised his voice at you and you responded, if at that moment you did not address the fact that you will not be talked to that way, you are telling him subconsciously that it is ok to talk to you in a raised voice. I believe that this is why things always escalate in relationships versus getting better. I am sure you know, either with your own experiences or ones that you have heard about through your friends, of a time when your boyfriend would never tell you to shut up for example. Or in the beginning there was a time when he would never think about cussing at you. However, now he does. You know why? Because the very first time that it happened and you did not address the issue he knew it was acceptable. However, you have to do more than just address it. You have to decide the consciquences that will occur if it happens again AND STICK TO THEM ! By doing this you are letting ("training") people to know what is and is not acceptable behavior to you.
Good luck with all of this! And remember there might not be anything wrong with his behavior to eveyone else, BUT if it is something that after you have subjectively listened to his side of the story and YOU feel that something is wrong, then that is ALL that matters! You can't help how you feel and that can never be wrong. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Good luck and fight only the battles that you feel are worth fighting!!

Answer 10

i agree with you, maybe he does have some jealousy, i also think its because he fills insecure with himself and he doesnt think that he can do better, he must be something cuz not very many guys are jealouse