Am I bad for thinking I should walk away from my ex, who may be depressed?

Question

I have written previous posts on here. My ex, who I do really love, ended our relationship 6 wks ago as "her feelings had changed". In the build up to the split I thought she was depressed. (She has a history of depression) and she admitted she was, I persuaded her to go to the Dr who prescribed Prozac & counselling. 1 wk later she said she wasn't depressed, didn't need counselling and it was our relationship that made her unhappy. She ended things.

I gave her space for 3 wks and then she contacted me. We met up, everything was good and we agreed to meet again. I rang her a few days later and she was dismissive of me.

I do really care for her but think I should maybe walk away even as a friend. It is so hard seeing someone you love being like this but even worse when they blame the relationship. I have tried to help her but if she won't help herself I don't know what I can do??

I don't mind worrying about her but she seems to not be interested in my feelings. What do I do?

Answer 1

Mood disorders are always very hard on people who don't share the same pain but have to deal with it through someone they love. It hurts, I know i live through it everyday. I know a lot of the things i say to my boyfriend, I don't really mean. I tell him I hate him and that our relationship is suffocating me and it makes me miserable. I break up with him. It's usually as soon as my depression starts, i know my mood swings get ugly and while i still have some clarity in my mind i think of saving him by pushing him away from me. When my mood shifts back (bipolar not just depressed), I want him back. I know what I'm doing but i feel as if i can't help it. You must be drained emotionally, her sickness may even at times be rubbing off on you, you must be dying to help her but the only way you really can is to have her help herself. I suggest you close the door on your friendship tell her she may not see it but shes acting like she is depressed and until she gets help and works it out, then you don't want to be around. Careful with this though it could go two ways, she's desperate to keep you and so she works for it or she's desperate to keep you so she gets suicidal, assuming that she really is in love with you but afraid of her illness ( like i am sensing) So i guess check up on her, if she's that bad talk to her doctor about the symptoms you notice and see if he suggests hospitalization. You're not going to be able to walk away from her for good, i think you know that. But give her the same treatment you get as in be just as dismissive but let her know exactly why. Depressed people don't get helped by having more depressing things happen to them so if she's willing to get the help support her, if she won't get it and her condition is serious enough press the situation, if she still refuses cut her out your life until she is willing to be rational or for good. Either way don't let her take away the good in your life, you should take care of yourself first and make sure that you don't become her nurse. I'm sorry and the very best of luck with this situation. It seems like you may be one of the few people she has in her life that cares about her emotional health.

Answer 2

Depression is a very personal thing that your ex has to sort out for herself. It is best for her if you avoid contact, a short phone-call now and then won't hurt, but she will need time to recover. Maybe by then her feelings will have again changed towards you, maybe not. It is quite normal for her not to show interest in your feelings now because she cannot - she is too cooped up in her own.
'Walking away' is the correct course to take at the moment, for both your welfare.
In the long run however, there is always the possibility that if you did get back together again you would both fall into the same 'rut' and problems would begin anew. A difficult decision that only you two can make, if or when the time is right.

Answer 3

Your not bad in thinking these thoughts, and it is hardly surprising that you sound confused faced with your dilemma.

With the best will in the world it will only work if you have love in your relationship and it sounds though this is not the case.

And by her own admittance your ex has told you that her feelings for you have changed. Whether this is her speaking or her depression is hard to say. However, she needs time and objective help at this stage to see her through her depression, as her mind also is in turmoil and she cannot think straight.

You are too subjective and it sounds that you are caught in a catch 22 you'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Why not take time and out and leave her to her own devises for a while and see how things pan out. Though at the end of the day I feel that you would be best out of it.

I hope things soon become clearer to you on what you should do and that you make a decision that is best for you and your peace of mind.

PS If you still care for her make sure she has someone who is able to see that she takes her medication. As it needs to be taken regularly and not haphazardly for her to feel the benefit from taking it. Maybe the Prozac does not suit her and she needs to go back to her doctor for further support and advice.

Answer 4

You sound like a really thoughtful guy who is in a real bind with this relationship. Being loving and caring usually goes hand in hand with a sense of responsibility way beyond the "call of duty". Presumably, there is nothing in the relationship which could make her feel this way? Loving someone who blows hot and cold for any reason is difficult but when this appears to be because of diagnosed depression it can be nigh on impossible.

During your three week split were you able to look forward - which you need to do for your own sake - and get on with your life socially and emotionally in a "normal" way? You know, go the work, see mates, have a laugh? We all need that. If so then it is doubly admirable that - for her sake - you are prepared to give her support when she asks.
No one could be expected to do more than this.
Depressions are hard to cope with for all concerned and you may need to be as patient as you have been so far for a while yet. At the same time, though, try to balance out your care for this girl with those "normal" bits of life.
Remember that worrying in itself does no good. While your concern is touching, ultimately you are not responsible for her and even the most loving of people need to put themself first sometimes without feeling bad about it.

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Answer 5

I think walking away would be best for you both. That clears both your heads and your hearts and lets you get on with life. Your ex sounds like she is need of a fresh start and time to think about herself that's why she's ended it. Seeing each other is her way making sure she's done the right thing by making sure you are what she thought of you. Don't contact her, let her make all the contact first. You'll be a weight off her chest knowing only her opinion matters for now without someone else to think of. Not that I'm saying you're a bad person, but sometimes people with depression needs space to think of number one.

Answer 6

Your girlfriend is still depressed. Trust me. She may not be thinking clearly at the moment.
Prozac takes two weeks usually before any true benefits are felt. I hope she does go to counselling and continues to take the medication.
She is probably having trouble understanding her own feelings so she probably isn't thinking of your feelings.
I know it's hard to see a loved one go through the torment of depression but perhaps you could just be there if/when she needs a friend.
Maybe it was your relationship making her unhappy??? Is that possible???

Answer 7

It may well be more than just depression; there is a disease in which the sufferer goes into denial, blaming other things instead. You can at least inform her that you think this may be the case, and tell her to remember this advice if she doesn't get better, as you are going to have to cut off contact until such time as she seeks professional help, because you need to get on with your life.

Answer 8

She doesn't know what she wants and it is unfair of her to keep drawing you in only to spit you out again, maybe it is the depression, i cant see why anybody would deliberately treat you like that. While you keep going back to her (i know you love her) she is only going to keep treating you in this way. I think she needs to sit back and really think about what she feels for you, but whilst she has got you on the end of that bit of string she wont take your feelings seriously. If you are meant to be together, you will be, if not you will have to walk away.

I hope it works out for you

Answer 9

well...you're not being "bad". that's called the "conservation and survivor instint". i also have a deep-ression history (i'm genetically predisposed )and, actually, my first boyfriend "healed" me (even though he didn't know) in the relationship, i suddenly started being happy...'cause i had someone and something to think about, while, when i was depressed i had nothing to think about but my pain and how much suffering i was going thru (it longed from 11 to 14 years old) i used to be so so bad: i used to cut myself 'cause i'd rather to feel physical pain that spiritual one. i was totally lost. but then, somebody came and let me see i could be HONESTLY (i use to hide my feelings sometimes) happy for the first time.....so, if you can be with her and listen her and dry her tears, she will realize how much you worth and she might be not stupid and have you back....i would come back with someone who loves me and hates seeing me bad.
good luck...and whenever u wanna talk, write me an email!
bye

Answer 10

If you feel like it should dangerously interfere with your life, possibly her hurting you, than, most certainly. But if not, you should be supportive. Depression is a chemical imbalance, but it can be ended. I recommend going to therapy, and transferring your knowledge from the therapist, to your ex. Be sure to watch for any signs or symptoms of her hurting herself.