i notice that when i put my attention over on the other person, a certain momentum i have for my own specific agendas suffers in favour of new shared agendas. It does not SEEM like a good thing.
I really struggle with this. How do you handle the shift from individual to coupledom and not suffer and have the experience of losing a part of yourself? What has been your experience?
AND PLEASE no theoretical idealistic two hearts beating as one answers! I am interested in, historically, what had been your actual experience only.
2007-03-16 02:46:33 · 14 answers · asked by lowroad 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
wow - predictably, the "theoretical" answers are pouring in ....people see so many movies and watch so much TV i guess they just can't stop themselves.
2007-03-16 03:06:33 · update #1
my ash tray
2007-03-16 08:11:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi.
Since you are asking about a personal experience.
I have something I will so glad to share it with you and the whole world.
I am 29 years old.
I was in love for the first time in my life when I was 16 years old.
the most i lost is trust.
after having 5 serious relations out of a really big number.
I couldnt trust any girl any more.
I become a person believes that there is always a break up point in between every couple i ever knew.
now what I want to share with you is this.
I will try to make it really short.
I was 25 i met a girl she was so good for me.
I decided to travil and work to build our future.
then I was able to get a job for her in the same company I work for.
i did what it takes to show her that i care.
I rented a good place for us. I even got her a car so she wouldnt suffer what I sufferd.( transportaions )
any way after one month of her joining the company she said it's not gonna work for us.!!
She met a maneger and his car was better than mine ..Etc..
what i lost there was a lot.
A car. a house . alot of time. so much money.
and the most important a lot of Trust..
Well I am not feeling sorry for that.
because I am now married to the lady who woke me up sayin ( you are so good to be true ).
My Man Life is not only love. so trust me if i say
always give a 50% trust of everything you face in your life.
and be your own best friend.
dont lose what you have for some on or somthing you are not a 110% sure that it's your call and that's what you really want.
I am sorry I know I am giving you a long story to answer you.
I hope it help you.
wish you all the best.
Good Luck My man.
2007-03-16 03:12:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Youve given us a great question.
I just erased three paragraphs before I realized . I am full of it.
My experience tells me much more about myself than I would like to see, in short...I have sold myself short in the past. I have in many ways sacrificed my personal growth, used up most of my time and energy on the "relationship"....to the point of betraying myself. I hope I am not jaded, but I think thats the core of so many unhappy marriges, people get lost in the bussiness of taking care and controlling the other one , so much so that they lose themselves. And I mean that in a very real way, they forget what they were about , what was important to them , they let those things that were so important .....drift away.....untill it is out of sight . If I ever commit to anyone again they will have to understand I have my own path to walk .....and that they have thier own....I will help them however I can on thier way and I will expect the same in return....giving up some of the luxurys of being single, yes of course, but {heres the trick} knowing myself enough to know how much is enough and not too much. I have not yet experiened that ....I have to say I don't know how to handle that shift...yet..if ever... and I know there is much more to it but ive been a bit "wordy" already...
thanks for the ...awakening .....
Peace
2007-03-16 04:00:50 · answer #3 · answered by KorvetteKaren 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I focus too much on the other person, loose my independant side and a whole pile of confidence, I am beginning to think I should remain single as I am a far more rational, positive being when single yet ultimately I feel I want to be in a relationship. Idont want to be alone when I'm older. Headrecking stuff really.
2007-03-16 02:59:00 · answer #4 · answered by . 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take it gradually. Still manage time for yourself and you will be fine. I feel that when coming out from the single life and getting into a relationship.. I sort of feel like where's my individuality... but then again you are engaging in a new relationship learning about them.. etc.. Just enjoy it.
Also, maybe trying including your new partner in your own agendas.. You might like it.. Good luck!
2007-03-16 02:56:06 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I learned to not think of it as "losing" a part of myself. I saw it as giving a part of myself to the person I loved. If you look at it like you're losing something, it won't work out. I know because my boyfriend felt similarly to the way you do and it didn't work out, even though I was completely willing. I'm sorry, and you're getting the spite that I still have after my recent break-up, but I don't think that people that feel as you do should be in relationships unless they can learn to think about them more positively. Otherwise, you end up hurting your partner too much. And believe me, I know.
2007-03-16 03:04:57 · answer #6 · answered by Confused 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Identity. When I start out with someone, or in the last case two someone's (bf & gf), I tend to lose my identity to a certain level. My identity becomes too wrapped up with theirs. In the last case, they were petrified at anyone finding out the three of us were together, which made for an agonizing relationship. I finally broke up with them over it. I just couldn't take being in the closet about them anymore.
2007-03-16 02:55:35 · answer #7 · answered by Radagast97 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You learn with experience that it is critical to have a life of your own when in a relationship....they should as well...you each need to have your own friends and your own private time...that way the time and things you share as a couple are more interesting and meaningful....you have new experiences and stories to share and more depth as a person...the same goes for finances etc....everything should be mine, yours, and then ours.....
2007-03-16 02:51:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best way to handle this is to keep one specific time slot (daily, weekly, whatever) open for the other person, and leave it at that. It may not be romantic, but it has to be done if you want to keep the rest of your life in check.
2007-03-16 03:49:21 · answer #9 · answered by Rio Madeira 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u must first understand and accept that if it is true love, it is expected. to truly love u must give of yourself and it is a huge part. however, it should be a two-way street. i believe you must search in yourself to weigh which is more important to you, your heart or your agenda. More often than not love should support and defend individual agendas or combine and motivate a shared agenda. LOVE IS NOT COLORED IN REGRET
2007-03-16 03:01:47 · answer #10 · answered by bigbam11 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I always did this. I hated myself for it.
I finally just started doing the things I like. My ex didn't like that. But I had to find myself again. It was like I didn't know myself any more.
Today, I am in a relationship that I get to be myself. That's the most important thing to me.
2007-03-16 02:55:32 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋