Question for families where one parent works and the other stays at home...?

Question

When my daughter was born my husband quit his job to stay at home with her. He quit because my salary as a teacher was higher, and if we had both continued working his whole check would have gone toward daycare anyway, so we both felt that it was better for her to be at home with him and not exposed to the typical baby sicknesses that run rampant at daycares.

She is 11 months old now, and loves her daddy to pieces. She loves me too, obviously, but seems to prefer him and I can understand why - he has more time to give her.

Someone once told me that babies get to an age where they have a "preferred parent". They said that the preferred parent tends to be the one who is absent the most.

My question is this. Have any of you noticed this to be true? I know it sounds really, really petty and I should be glad that she is at home with her daddy who loves her, but I can't help being a little bit jealous of the time that he has with her. I'm glad she loves us both, but...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that since I carried her under my heart for 7 months (she was a preemie), I want to be her favorite at one point.

Yes, I'm a little down in the dumps today. She has a cold, and here I am at work, being useless and worrying about her.

Answer 1

You are NOT useless. You provide a roof over her head, a bed for her to sleep in, food on the table, and medicine for when she's sick. Both parents have a role in a child's life. Unfortunately, one of those roles has to be spent away.
Besides, she wouldn't be there if it wasn't for you.
Now you can see what daddies go thru.

Answer 2

I personally don't think a child's favorite parent has anything to do with who's with them. I am a SAHM to my 11 month old son. I've been taking care of him 24/7 since the day he was born. And yet... Daddy is his favorite. Daddy walks into the room and he's so very excited. I was jealous of this for a very long time. But then I realized that Daddy deserves that affection. I was the one who carried him 9 months. And then I delivered him. And then I breastfed him. And now I tend to him all day. Daddy has to work, and doesn't get the joy of all that bonding time during the day.

Answer 3

Oh it's completely normal to have a tinge of jealousy! I am home with my 15 month old son and he runs to his daddy when he gets home but obviously prefers me. Im just the one that is there when his knee is scratched and the one who makes sure he sleeps and eats when needed. My husband is a little jealous but they still have so many special moments, and Daddy has the joy of watching things happen and it always seeming new to him. I think when the baby gets older the tables might turn and they might prefer the parent that isnt there as much because they wont be the diciplinarian :) Hope this made any sense, congrats on your lil' girl! YOUR TIME WILL COME!!!

Answer 4

In my household, I stay at home and my husband works. I don't think they have a "favorite" parent. They go to us for different things. They love their Daddy, no doubt. My oldest tends to snuggle with me more, and my youngest is stuck to him like glue from the time he gets home. But, I think this happens whether one parent stays home or not. One thing that I can suggest is taking her out, just the two of you and spending time with her. My husband does this with the girls and it's great because I get a break. It's understandable you would be jealous of all the time that your husband gets to spend with your daughter. But, hopefully it will ease that feeling if you realize at least she is spending the time with your husband and not some stranger. Be sure to tell your husband how much you appreciate him taking care of your daughter. After a long day alone with the baby, that's all he'll need. Good luck!

Answer 5

My daughter and my husband are and have been very close. Oddly enough as she gets older she is closer with me. We talk a lot. There isn't anything that she is afraid to ask me. She is 11 now and as she puts it, she is afraid now that her dad doesn't understand that she is starting to grow up. Mom understands because Mom is a girl...LOL. It is great that she is close to her dad. He is the person that she will judge all other men against when she gets older. And while I was jealous for awhile, I am no longer. Think about it in this perspective. When she grows up and gets married, and her dad is walking her down the aisle- you will remember the special relationship they had, and be happy because you got to watch it, first hand. A lot of little girls don't have their dad. I didn't, I didn't know what it was like. Now I see it and realize what I missed. Be thankful and happy that your husband is involved. It'll swing your way eventually. Just let her know that both of her parents think she is wonderful. That will do her a world of good!! Congrats on such a wonderful choice in husbands!

Answer 6

When my children were born, I was the stay-at-home mom. But it was a long time ago and parent's roles were not quite looked on in the same way. Plus, since I had my three children in a little over a 3 year time span, I had little time to ponder such questions.
I give today's parents a lot of credit for the lifestyle they must endure when raising a family.
Remember that it may not be that she prefers her father more but in a different way. I'm glad she has the both of you and not just one (or no) parent.

Answer 7

Not to worry. Kids often "switch" who is the favorite parent of the day when they are little like that. My husband and I both work (I stayed home with son for the first year) and son sometimes prefers me for a while and then it'll switch and he'll want to hang out with daddy. And the "favorite" parent of the moment can be like that for a few days or a few months and then switch. It's normal.

He loves both of you and although it's hard to see son favor the other parent for a while maybe focus on the fact that he does have the other parent there - many kids don't have 2 loving parents for them.

Answer 8

Yeah that makes a great deal of sense. I have also heard that babies go through a stage when they prefer one parent over the other. Right now my husband works nights and some days, while I am a full time college student. So some days our 1 yr old is with him all day and others with me. She use to prefer me over him all the time. They both recently went to Florida to visit his dad for a week, needless to say she is now stuck to him like glue!! She does not even like it when I kiss or hug him, she pushes me off of him! I just laugh it off, I know in a few weeks she will be back to following me 24/7. Don't worry about it, she will go through her "mommy is my favorite" phase soon enough! It's great that she is close to her daddy... so sweet!

Answer 9

Hi! I am a stay at home mom, my son will be 11 months tomorrow. When daddy comes home from work I feel like I become invisible! Don't worry, your daughter loves you. Maybe you could try to spend some time with just you and her without dad around for an hour here and there. Also my son seems to prefer that I change his diapers but he prefers daddy at bathtime. Complex little individuals aren't they? :)

Answer 10

I have never heard of that and frankly it doesn't make any sense..children love the ones they are around--the ones who nurture them, etc..I am sure she loves you too-as her mother you have a special connection with her, etc..But if Daddy chose to spend his days with her--well--he is the one who is around her all the time so he will be the obvious preferred parent---PLUS she is a little girl--and we're talking Daddy here--so that is an extra thing going for them--It sounds like you are wishing to be closer to her--that is wonderful--your desire for that will probbly make you spend more time with her--You're lucky yur husband is so involved--But if I were you--you might want to re-decide to spend some time at home instead--it's great to have a supportive husband but that doesn't mean you have to give up your role--it IS fun being number one in your child's life--and yes--that role usually does go to mommy if she's around...You are not really being petty--Your heart is telling you to maybe make some changes so that you can take on that natural role--you don't have to--but maybe you WANT to

Answer 11

Dear Mom,

I understand entirely how you feel. When my wife and I had our first daughter the same dilemma arose in our house. I always wanted to have kids, but my wife took a long time to give in ( we got married quite early, both at University, and we both wanted to pursue our studies) . When we finally had our first daughter ( I have 3 kids now, 10, 7, and 5 years old) it was settled that I would stay home because even though we could afford a nanny we always thought that if we were to have kids we should always try to spend as much time with them we could. My wife was also making much more money than I was, and did not really want to leave her Job. So it was decided I would stay home. She was fine for some time, but eventually started to feel a bit jealous as well. We talked extensively about it, and even though rationally she understood what was going on emotionally she did not.

When the second kid came along, I proposed I could go back to work so that she could stay home. She agreed. Then it was I who was a bit jealous of the time I was not spending home :) I understand that for a mother it is more visceral considering you carry the baby for 9 months! But for us fathers is also hard.

Now we have decided to both have part time jobs, sometimes working full time. This way both of us can spend time with our kids. We are lucky enough to be able to afford that because we have other forms of income. In any case we had to downsize our expenses.

In any case, our kids, know we both love them, and care about them, and we know they love us in their own way. Of course they complain a lot whenever one of us has to take a full time job, or travel, but that is also important for their formation. It is important they see we have our commitments, ou work, and that to support our family we must at times be away. And I am confident that for a kid is easier to understand that then for us parents :)

Don't worry. Do what you can. Make the time you are with your kids the best you can. And trust your daughter judgment. Believe me they always surprise us.