My dad was involved in an accident about 6 weeks ago, where he has a broken leg, and the other with torn ligaments. Life is very difficult for him at the moment, and I have been running after him hand and foot since he got out of hospital, as well as attending uni and my part-time job, and also looking after the dogs that he keeps. I am also responsible for the upkeep of the house. He has to use a walking frame to help him get about the house etc.
When he first got out, although many things were a struggle for him, he was able to do them - e.g. get his own breakfast. Now, however, as it is a struggle for him, he resorts to getting me to do most things for him - i.e. cooking and bringing him meals/coffees etc.
I just had a major argument with him, as I feel that he is doing very little to help himself, and the more that I do for him, the less that he is willing to do. From my perspective, if he starts doing more, he will learn to cope with it. Am I being too harsh on him?
2007-03-16 00:50:03 · 45 answers · asked by ♥Miss Inquisitive♥ 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
He has got better since the accident - he had a broken wrist as well, but he now has his cast off for that. I don't expect him to be able to do everything - but I know that he was able to make himself a sandwich when I wasn't there to help. Although he did find it quite difficult, as his frame tends to get in the way, and he also has to use his arms to support him on it.
He doesn't qualify for a home help on the NHS because of his age, and he can't work just now, so I'm not sure if he could afford to hire one.
2007-03-16 01:06:48 · update #1
What a shame for you. Your life is on hold apart from the usual job and uni.
What seems to have happened is that your dad has become withdrawn, depressed. Try talking to him explain your frustration. It sounds lke your dad has taken this very badly and maybe has resorted to liking being cared for as he feels safest with that.
Your a very good daughter without getting angry I would try to tell him how your feeling and hopefully he will share his feelings with you and you can both move forward.
Good luck and I hope that your dad gets there soon!
2007-03-16 01:02:47 · answer #1 · answered by KANGA 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Not at all, you're being extremely selfless. Look at how much you've done for him and continue to do for him. I can imagine it must be a huge strain for you, wanting to help him, but also having your own things to do. Your dad is very lucky. The fact is, he's not completely dependant on you, he has a walking frame so he is mobile and able to move about and do a certain amount for himself. I can understand how difficult it must be on his part - this only happened 6 weeks ago so he's still recovering and healing - before the accident, he was independant, could do everything himself, but now things are a struggle. It's taken his dignity and he's probably feeling sorry for himself. But that said, he does need to get his independance back, and learn to do things for himself once again. You are doing a hell of a lot for him, and you should feel good about yourself, and he needs to acknowledge and appreciate that, and try to lessen the load on you.
2007-03-16 01:08:05 · answer #2 · answered by ? 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're not a complete cow! You've got a lot on your plate and you can't do everything. With so much to do you're bound to snap a bit and he should appreicate the amount you have to do. Who looks after him when you're at work or uni? He seems capable of doing something when you're not there so perhaps he actually enjoys the attention. Can anyone else help - friend or family? Ask someone he doesnt like very much and he'ss improve quickly but make sure he really is more capable than he is letting on! Good luck - you need a chilled night out!
2007-03-16 08:06:37 · answer #3 · answered by Jackie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't say how old your dad is in your question. If he is knockin on a bit perhaps you should point out that if he is no longer able to take on the everyday things to run his house and look after himself, then perhaps care would be a better choice. You have a very busy life of your own to live, which by the sounds of things, your dad doesn't give two hoots for.
P.S. Tell him to sign the house over to your name now. If he dies in the next 7 years or has to go into care, the council will take most of the cash in payment for care and death duties.
2007-03-16 01:00:13 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've been very supportive but now it's time to back away a bit. He may get mad as he doesn't have a "live in maid/nurse" to take care of him. It's been 6weeks..he should be doin things for himself. The more you do the less he has to do.
Glad you sat down and told him how you're feeling, but obviously that didn't go over to well.
So you tried...now it's time to say periodically, that you're busy and will be by to see him at the end of the day. Don't sit there and baby him doing everything he requests, as it's not helping him. He has to want to help himself. Eventually he'll get the message that you mean what you say and are following through with it.
GOODLUCK*
2007-03-16 00:58:09 · answer #5 · answered by friskymisty01 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi ,no i dont think you are a cow ,you are helping your dad with everything but sometimes people take other people for granted ,if he could do things straight after his accident why not now?is there no other family that could help out?,maybe he has lost alot of confidence and doesnt think he can do things himself ,talk to him over dinner and explain that your life is just hard as well at the moment ,he is probably being a bit selfish and thinking of himself without meaning to ,you both love each other you will get through this .xx
2007-03-16 03:14:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he could investigate the possibility of getting home help for an hour every day? Either through the NHS or even paying privately for a month or two. That way, if they came in in the morning, they could get his breakfast and see that he's up, do a quick run round to clean up, and do the prep for his dinner. That should leave you with the shopping, laundry and an evening meal. It would be worth the money to take some stress off you.
Good luck.
2007-03-16 00:55:11 · answer #7 · answered by RM 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
For a young person you have a lot of things on your shoulders right now. Hang in there it is going to get better, the blow up with your Dad may have made him realize that he does need to do more. Are there no other people in the picture that could help out to give you a break? You are a wonderful daughter and do not feel guilty about your hostile feelings. Sometimes we just get over whelmed and need to let off steam. No you are not a cow. A very good daughter, he is lucky to have you.
2007-03-16 00:56:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you aren't being a cow; your dad needs to keep mooooooooooving! [Smiles] Sounds like you are feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed. There are senior centers which provide good daycare for adults in this situation and many agencies which can send a care provider to your dad's home to help you out. You can also easily hire someone to come in and do light housekeeping. Take a break. Get some rest. Be kind, but firm. It's a kind of role reversal and it isn't easy, but tough love is necessary sometimes, with a child or a parent with the tendency to suddenly act like one.
2007-03-16 01:00:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You don't say how old your dad is.
Sounds like you are finding it a strain coping with it all. Is there no one else that can help out too?
It sounds like you did need to have a firm word with your dad as he may be tempted to stay sat down if he is in pain with his legs.
he must keep as active as posible to help prevent complications such as Deep vein thrombosis which can happen if he is not mobile.
Even though he struggles to make his food i think he now should to do it. You are correct that the more practise he has with his frame then the better it will be for him.
You coukld phone NHS direct to see if you are entitled to any help.
Is he claiming compensation for this accident?
2007-03-16 02:37:09 · answer #10 · answered by laplandfan 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋