Do you like this poem?

Question

I know, it's not very good. I whiped it out really quick a few days ago. Can you give me some suggestions? Thanks.


i need a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear....
for my heart is so heavy with love,
and all i receive is
akward glances out of the corner of his eyes,
playfully trying to trip me as i walk by.
and he thinks i enjoy this behavior, but i despise it.
i wish he knew what i longed for.
i long for words, like hi, how are you?
i long for a smile, a smile that speaks when no words can be said.
i long for an arm to hold me as we sit and say nothing.
i long for a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear....

Answer 1

Didn't I already talk to you? Hello again.

Your poem is written like a diary entry. Show more art. Be creative and daring! You have the feeling to write, but not much showmanship. I sense you have low self esteem from the non-capitalization of your I's. Be confident that what you write is truly worth reading, and the writing will soon become that readable piece.

Here's the work I wrote on Monday. It's from the heart:

Now That I’m Ready For Love

Another year wiser, another year older
Another day empty, another night colder
Another squandered opportunity
But now that I’m ready for love, no one’s ready for me

I sift through these streets, filled with aimless dancers
In calm desperation, still searching for answers
Leaves green and inviting, new rings on the tree
But now that I’m ready for love, no one’s ready for me

Young maidens sense some hot wave of emergency
They marry and mate in a false sense of urgency
As the hurried home crumbles, the fingers point blames
And all hold back burned hearts as they re-alter names
Never considering a cause holding true
That someone like me could want someone like you
That someone like me could need someone like you
That someone like me could love someone like you

INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE

Another year wiser, another year older
Another day empty, another night colder
Another squandered opportunity
But now that you’re ready for love, are you ready for me?
Ready for me?
Really ready for me?
Now that you’re ready for love, are you ready for me....

Andrew

Answer 2

awww.. *hugs*

u know to be honest, if i read this about a year ago i would've thought it was very corny =P but i know how u feel and i think u expressed it the way someone would feel if they liked a guy and wished they paid a little more attention to them.. i know i did and so after reading that i thought, hey! thats like me!!!

hehehe, i think its great.. shows exactly how u feel. i dun think u should change it.. or not MUCH at least becasue they're the thoughts that came straight out of ur head onto paper.. so keep them the way they are because they're ur true feelings that cant be altered or changed =)

Answer 3

Your spelling and punctuation is atrocious...the content is puerile and immature. Try reading iambic pentameter and maybe some Edgar Allen Poe if you like composing depressing poetry that's actually entertaining for other people to read...

Answer 4

Give yourself some credit. You'll make a great poet one day. Just beleive in yourself. Keep up the great work. Your poem is very nice.

Answer 5

Well there is a mega-site I like to post on called AllPoetry

http://www.allpoetry.com

You can post as many poems as you like and get feedback and read many other poems there. There is contests, forums, etc. Very fun site no matter what level of a writer you are.

Answer 6

Hey ... the poem is lovely and looks like uve spoken ur true heart in it!

Answer 7

I like this poem. Who am I to criticize poetry?

But I think you should say hi to this guy and ask him out. You gotta make yourself heard, girl. Every guy I've ever dated, I had to be the one to make the move. :)

Answer 8

Still need room for improvement. Too dry

Answer 9

Needs something. I don't know. But I just know your poem. And something missing.

Answer 10

No. I wouldn't recommend crying for any reason.