4-yr-old asked about "real daddy" who left us when she was 1 1/2. I told her the truth, now she is devastated.

Question

My ex left when my daughter was 1.5. I didn't know where he was for months and only found out because he committed a horrible crime and is in prison now for a very long time. Shortly after my daughter turned 2, I met a new man that I've been with since. My daughter calls him daddy and loves him and his daughter. We plan to married next year. I've not mentioned my daughter's father to her and waited for her to ask me. Today she did and I was truthful. I told her he was sick and could not be a real daddy to her, but loved her very much. I told her he'd hurt some people and had to go away for a long time. She asked if he was in jail and I said yes. She now wants to write him and wants us back together. She insists she loves him, remembers him, and misses him. She was angry that I found someone new and doesn't want me to get married. She's almost 5. I explained I would never get back with him and she wouldn't see him until she was grown. Her heart is broken. What do I do now?

Answer 1

Stop. Breathe. Relax. Don't second guess yourself.

I married a woman over 16 years ago who was pregnant with someone else's baby. We had another child a couple of years later and divorced several years later. I supported the children equally, visited regularly and my second wife (the good one) and I recently found ourselves in custody of both. Circumstances beyond the scope of this forum recently required me to disclose to my son that I am not his biological contributor.

I would NEVER disrespect you by making a blanket comparison of our situations. I would not denegrate the heartbreak I am sure you are facing with your little girl. I understand it acutely. I would however, share with you my dedcade and a half of regret. My ex-wife and I could have spared my son (and his sister) a glut of anguish if his lineage had never been a family secret. I am confident based on my experience with both children (and the one my wife and I have besides them) that emotional elasticity depreciates as a function of time.

I respectfully suggest that you've done the right thing. Your daughter may in fact recall impressions of her bio-dad. It is only natural that she loves him. Nevertheless, many things in this world are beyond our control. The bottom line is, if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to start the healing process. It will be a FAMILY process that will not happen overnight, nor in a vacuum. All players (including the man in your life) will need to suit up and take the field.

In terms of what you do now, you live your life. This revelation changes nothing. Your five year old isn't responsible for your decisions about marriage. You are the adult. You make the choices (presumably taking what is in your daughter's best interest into account).

Please don't beat yourself up about this. If you do you may find the subject difficult to work through in the future. Through an open channel your daughter will grow to learn that daddy also made his choices. Committing a crime was bad, leaving her and her mommy was worse. If you take responsibility only for those things that you clearly contributed toward the situation, she may learn (in time) to assign blame for the rest where it clearly belongs.

Oh yeah... One more word of encouragement. I hated the man that married my mother. To this day (at 37 years of age) I still can't say we're friends. Warm fuzzies notwithstanding, I respect him for being a strong presence when that was what I needed. I'm hoping that 20 years from now my son will feel the same way about me. I hold out more hope for your daughter.

Stop. Breathe. Relax. You're going to be fine. So will she.

Answer 2

Aww, that is hard to hear.

Your daughter's world has been turned upside down recently so I would give her some time to adjust to this new knowledge. She is only 4 and probably doesn't understand why her real dad is not the dad he should have been.

If your ex isn't a child abuser or molester then I would allow her to write him but keep contact limited. She needs to be able to establish her own opinion about him.

I got remarried when my daughter was 5 and she had a tough time accepting my new hubby at first even though she loves him. Just be patient and allow her to express herself while upholding that your new husband will be treated with respect. Validate her feelings but do not allow her to show disrespect towards your fiance.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I don't see how a child of that age can comprehend that the man in your life is not her biological father. I don't think it was right to tell her at that age, but as someone else has already said, there's a difference between a biological father and a "real" father as you put it. Any male can be a biological sperm donor, it takes a real man to be a father and that's what you have now. You'll have to live with the consequences of telling her and either live your life the way she dictates or be the parent and do what's right for her well being. If that means marrying this guy that clearly loves her, and it makes you happy, go for it.

Answer 4

That's such a toughy... my stepson is 7 years old and has an on again off again mother... he thinks the world of her even though she disappears without a call for months at a time. We've struggled with the same type of questions and demands, and all i really can offer is to continue to tell her that you love her and your signifigant other loves her and her father loves her, but that sometimes families have to live apart.

i'm sorry if this wasn't much help but i wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

Answer 5

Even though this man has done wrong. In your little girls eyes he is only her dad. She is hurt and mad and has every right to be. It is bad that she has to go through this at such a young age. But I believe that it will be for the best that she works this out on her own. Encourage her to talk to you about how she feels and try to make her feel important to the family that she has. Make sure she knows how much you and your fiance love her and her sister. Become the family she seems to feel like she has lost. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Just keep reminding her that her REAL daddy is the daddy that lives with her and takes care of her. Tell her a REAL daddy is the one who loves you, not the one in jail. You didn't do anything wrong telling her, but now you'll have to get her past this.

Answer 7

I think telling her she has two dads is a good plan. Is it possible for her to write her birth dad? That might help, although you'd have to censor the letters. Not that that would be a problem now, but she will get older. He would probably never answer, but maybe if she got to 'write' him that would take her mind off the situation.

Answer 8

I think although you handled it well you might have gone into too much information for her age. At this point you should probably look into some counseling for her. She has to work her way through her "grief" and your guy has to really stay strong and loving and there for her through this even if she is pushing him away. There is no easy answer or easy fix for this one. Good luck & best wishes.

Answer 9

This time you can think and assess all the things done.O.K.you were truthful to the innocent,but very much correct question of your daughter. It is good and you should fulfill her real and quite natural wish of becoming together.It is for your daughter,but don't ignore your present MAN and say sorry to him,rather pay his thanks[on my behalf also] for sharing his time.

Answer 10

I would explain that her father, your current bf is the one that has been there for you both and that he loves her very much and all that good stuff! I was alomost in that same situation, my son knows he has 2 dads. Tell her that a lot of other children have 2 dads and that one day, she'll get to meet him.