My brother's girlfriend just miscarried. What do I say?

Question

I just found out about a week ago that my brother's girlfriend (dating about 1 1/2 years now and live in apartment together across town) was pregnant... I don't really talk to either of them... In fact, I had to hear it from an ex-boyfriend (him and my brother were best friends in high school, we still see eachother once in a while).
Anyways, I came home from work the other night and found out she started bleeding and was rushed to the hospital and finally has miscarried the baby. She was only about 7 weeks or so along. Once again, I had to hear it from somebody else.

What do I say to her, better yet, my brother? We aren't that close, but I still feel so bad for them...They were so excited about it once they realized it was really happening. And now, it just disappeared...

I can't just pretend like nothing happened right? that could have been my neice or nephew, you know?

What should I say or do?

Answer 1

I lost my first baby when I was 20 (she was 6 months along). The best support I got was from those people who hugged me, said they would pray for the baby, and that they loved us. I wasn't close to my sister and we were living in different states at the time. She wrote a beautiful letter saying how sorry she was and how much I meant to her at this difficult time--she'd never said anything like that before so it meant more than anything else.

The absolute WORST thing to do is to tell the grieving parents--but especially the mother--that there was something wrong with the baby and it's better that the pregnancy ended or nature takes care of defective babies. That's all the mother needs to hear--that her body couldn't nurture her own child and that maybe it was something "defective" with her that caused the miscarriage. It causes a guilt trip and makes her more anxious about conceiving again. While I was in the hospital recovering from the D&C a priest came to visit me to "cheer" me up. He actually said these things to me. I couldn't think of anything else but that afterwards. The baby wasn't defective, I was.

Also, don't say to try to get pregnant as soon as possible. Her body needs to heal. She needs to mourn the loss alone and with your brother. Remember, he's suffering too. When I went back for my 6-wk check-up my OB/GYN told me to get pregnant within 6 mo. or I'd never have a child. I followed his advice but got a different doctor. It was a terrible pregnancy and I almost lost that baby twice. This doctor told me after my son was born that it had been too soon and my body wasn't ready to carry another child. It explained all the problems I had and maybe some of the birth defects my son had. Fortunately they haven't stopped him from doing what he wants, but it could have been worse.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be there for them. Tell them you love them and the baby (don't not acknowledge it).

Answer 2

There's really not a lot to be said. Just let them know that you are aware of their loss and if you can do anything for them. From my own experience, I had a miscarriage after 21 weeks of pregnancy and I know what it feels like to experience sudden loss like that. Everyone puts all of their hopes and dreams into that child or grandchild or niece or nephew. Its a lot of expectations, so please don't say stupid things like "you have to be strong", or "you're still young, you'll have another one." or "I know how you feel". Nobody knows unless you've been throught that what it feels like to loose your child; to feel him there, heart beating strong and then suddenly he's gone. There is no pain like loosing a child; coming home from the hospital with no bundle. Riding home from the hospital with nothing but emptiness inside and out. There is no pain like it. I suppose what I needed most was people there to listen. She may need to talk to someone about the details of what happened. She needs to know that that baby still had a purpose in this life even though it didn't live. Their spirit is still watching over them. The purpose may even be to bring you and your brother closer together.

Answer 3

you don't need to say anything. but a gesture might go a long way. finding the right words can be hard. so a gesture makes it a lot easier for everyone. because your brother and his girlfriend might not be ready to talk about it with anyone anyways. if you have some spare cash maybe send a small bouquet or flowers, or a really nice card. if you don't have the money though, make a card or send a gentle text MSG. you just need to let them know that your thinking of them and hope they know that you are there for them if they need anything.

Answer 4

Perhaps a simple card may work, since you aren't that close. Or even a phone call just saying you are sorry to hear about their loss.

Not sure there is a whole lot more you can say besides that, I am sure they are hurting right now, as anyone would be.

Good luck!

Answer 5

for the reason which you do no longer communicate with them/they do no longer communicate with you, perhaps a short handwritten card that pronounces some thing like: hi, I even have heard the undesirable information and only had to deliver my truthful techniques and only right desires to you the two. in case you ever choose an ear to pay attention or a shoulder to cry on, i'm right here. Love and only right desires, short and straightforward to easily touch base with them.

Answer 6

This is a sad occasion, but you have the opportunity to try & reconnect with your brother. Call him and say you heard about their loss and you are sorry and ask if there is anything you can do. Or you could go over and bring some food.

Answer 7

What about about a nice card and some flowers. If you are not close to them maybe you should try to make this a good time to get back in touch with them and help support them through this hard time.

Answer 8

its ok, dont say, just hug, thats all you can really do.

tell them that if theres anything you can do, they just need to ask. other than that, you really cant do much.

but, theres a reason that a woman's body does that, it means that the baby wasnt healthy, and it would have probably done her a lot of harm, so its actually nature's way of protecting her. it sucks, and i'm sure she's shattered, but she'll live, and love, and have another chance. when the time is right, it'll all be ok.

Answer 9

I would just ask your brother if he needs anything. Maybe you should get him a card. You aren't supposed 2 have babies while dating. Sorry but it's wrong.

Answer 10

I would acknowledge it to him by expressing your sympathy. Also to his girlfriend. In times like this when something traumatic happens people often want to talk about it and have someone listen. Let them know you are there for them.