Maid of Honor quit and still wants to be friends.?

Question

On Monday evening I got an e-mail from my maid of honor, she cannot be in my wedding. She stated that I was not a good friend because I didn't go to her birthday get together (I as in school, taking a test). She also, stated that she thinks I'm not happy with my fiance, which I am!!!. I talked to her on Tuesday and she said she wated to be there for me before the wedding and after the wedding but not at the wedding. She wants to still be like best friends and be the first one to see the wedding pictures, when they come in.

Would you keep her as a friend? My wedding is in July. She's known about my wedding for over a year now. Do, I keep this kind of person in my life?

Let me clarify something...I'm 25. The Maid of Honor is 26

We have been friends for 5 years. I was in her wedding. I was there when she had her first child, bought her home. Her dress was paid for.

For the most part you all are getting the complete story. She basically, called it quits on me because she says I've been really selfish lately. Meaning...I haven't going out because I've been working really hard with my college course work, so I can transfer in the fall. About not liking my fiance....she has NEVER said anything until this past Monday. We've been together for three years now and engaged for over a year. If anything she has said how great he is.

Answer 1

I am the groom and I have my own point of view on this whole situation. I am 26 years old and I overjoyed to be marrying my fiance in July. We love each other whole heatedly. I am a good guy and everyone but this maid of honor agrees that my fiance and I are wonderful together. They all say that I complete her and she completes me.

The maid of honor is not stepping out because of me. I think that she as something going on in her personal life that is keeping her from being in our wedding. I feel that the maid of honor is being selfish and immature in choosing not to be at our wedding; especially the way in which she canceled the plans.

Her change in plans not only affects our wedding but it changes travel plans for my fiance and I, my family and this is all a huge inconvenience to a lot of the people involved in the planning of this wedding.

We are all adults here and I feel that we should all be acting like adults. I think my fiance will be able to find a better maid of honor without any problem. Obviously, the first person that my fiance chose never was a best friend to her. I have always known that words are easy, actions are difficult.

Answer 2

It sounds like your "friend" doesn't seem to understand how friendship works... I've had some "friends" who seem to want to keep tabs and a running tally as if friendship is a points game and for them to be friendly to me to a certain degree, I need to have earned anough points. Real friendship does not work that way. Real friendship is unconditional. I have a couple very good friends who almost never call or contact me and rarely or never visit, but are great fun and very accomodating and very happy whenever I call or visit them.

While she could have told you earlier, as you say, your former maid of honor gave you several months notice, which is not a "last minute" cop-out, so don't hold that against her. (My best friend had a bride's maid just not show up the week before the wedding and has never made any effort to speak with any of us again--now, that's a cop-out!)

Question to ask: Would you want someone to be your maid of honor if she really didn't want to assume that role? I think you should respect the fact that she was honest about it, told you she didn't want to do it, and even why.

Now, her rationale seemed to be very childish, and her excuse was stupid. She is obviously not an unconditional friend. But if she was honest enough to tell you she didn't want to be in your wedding party and why, I would guess that she's honest about wanting to remain "friends."

In my little book of definitions, I would classify this person more as an acquaintence. A friend wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't make it to her birthday bash. And a really close friend would be honored and delighted to be part of your wedding party as long as uncontrollable circumstances didn't prevent it.

I'll say, too, that her writing to you in an e-mail was very very tacky. This is the sort of thing you should do in person, or in a personal phone call at the very least. To decline the honor to be in a wedding party in an e-mail, especially after she's been assuming this role for a year... this girl lacks ettiquette.

I wouldn't put much confidence in this person; she seems unreliable... wishy-washy... flakey... shallow, maybe. I'd let her put whatever label on the relationship she wants. You can define your relationship with her how you want. Maybe your are her best friend and she is just a casual acquaintence to you. It doesn't seem that your sentiment toward each other is mutual to begin with. And don't worry about it. She'll do her thing and you do yours.

Find another maid of honor who will be honored to be there for you. And make sure the other "friend" gets a wedding invitation. Don't be spiteful or seek revenge because you feel wronged. If you think it is worth it, put in whatever effort you think your relationship with her is worth. If you decide not to be friends with her, then I'd just drop the issue and if she calles you or invites you to do something, say you're not interested. Don't be confrontational about it, just let go.

Answer 3

sounds like a fair-weather friend, as long as things are going her way, things are great, but if she doesn't get her way (and for your valid reasons), she ditches you. I think it was pretty crappy of her, you have been their for her how many times and you miss 1 thing cuz you didn't have a choice and she cuts out of your wedding....I say ditch the witch!

I have a friend like that, one minute she was hinting about bein in the wedding, I frankly didn't have a place for her and the dresses had already been ordered, (and discontinued) but I would have found a server type job or something for her to be a part of, but she didn't get her way so she has not shown up to a single shower and I doubt she will show at the wedding, and barely talks to me when I do see her! not even cool, so therefore, I will not be having much to do with ms. shellie, and feel a lot better about things that way!

Answer 4

Well, I would certainly talk with her. What she's done is almost inexcusable, at least in my book. She's told you that she feels you weren't a good friend because you didn't go to her birthday party, and she doesn't approve of your fiance. You had a valid excuse for missing the party, and it's not her place to approve or disapprove of your fiance. If she wants to bow out of the wedding because of those 2 reasons, I would question how good of a friend she really is, and I would tell her so too (in no uncertain terms.).

Answer 5

I'm 26 and I have dealt with people like this before. My best friend (and I use that term loosely) has broken my heart so many times that I have lost count. We have been friends since we were 15. I have made the tough decision to let her go. It's not worth worrying about because it was affecting my life. A bad relationship is a bad relationship. In any case, friend or boyfriend or husband, if someone doesn't treat you right you have to move on. It has been hard for me, but it's better than constant disappointment. I'm sorry you are dealing with this at a time that you should be celebrating, but do what feels right to you. Congrats on your marriage and best of luck!

Answer 6

You can keep her as a friend but she is not your best friend. She is too selfish to be anyone's best friend. Missing a "get together" is no excuse for leaving you in a lurch & it is none of her business what your relationship with fiance is? That does not fall under Maid of Honor duties. It sounds like she wants just the good jobs not the tough ones or the ones that would cost her money. Choose a new one & enjoy your special day!

Answer 7

The answer to your question is no. She is not worth being in your life because she is not your true friend. She sounds a little jealous of your relationship. A true friend even if she hates your fiance and doesnt want you two to be together she will still stick by you and support you in your wedding. Because she will know this is your day and not hers.

If you keep her in your life you are a fool. You can always talk to her once in a while but please do not get caught up in the fake gestures that she is your friend. She is not and life is too short to keep people in our lives just to say we have friends when in our hearts we know they are not!

Answer 8

It sounds like she is acting this way because your fiancee has replaced her as your first priority. After things settle down, she might act like your friend again. Remember that this is probably just her jealousy lashing out. I am not trying to say that she is a good friend, but maybe she will become one again after the wedding. It is really up to you, but at least consider whether or not you want her in your life. I have seen friends act REALLY STUPID. Later, they realized how horribly they acted. It is really up to you whether or not you want to be there for her when she realizes this fact.

Answer 9

Did she really think you should have gone to her birthday get together instead of taking the test? And for that, she doesn't want to be in your wedding? It all sounds very odd. Are we getting the complete story?
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Answer 10

I think I would have a talk with the maid of honor tell her how you feel about the whole situation if she still feels the same way then maybe you should really sit down and think about whether or not she really is a best friend to you.