ok all you parents out there. A playground bullying question.?

Question

My son is 9 yrs old and a little overweight so he has a lot of nasty remarks in the playground.He is in the middle of having a really bad time with name calling,I have spoken to the teachers but it is still going on. Should I tell him to thump (but he is so not like that) or name call back.I don't know but it is heartbreaking to hear him cry of a night time when he goes to sleep.

I am absolutely astounded by the response to my question and am so sad to hear that so many people are affected by this same sole destroying dialogue .I have taken on board all of your answers but all of them are so wonderful that I cannot choose a best answer and will leave it up to the readers of this question to decide.,Thank you all for your advice. I hope that we can all help our children to cope with this nasty reality in the playground before it goes too far.

Answer 1

I am so sorry your son is experiencing this. My son also had this problem from the age of 9 because he was overweight although he was very active. When he started secondary school he weighed nearly 14 stone! Obviously, the name calling and taunts followed him there and, I might add, on one occasion, from a teacher! I blew my top and was straight over the school. The teacher was reprimanded, but to tell the truth, from that day on, I told my son that if he wanted it to stop, he would have to start standing up for himself. He was in the playground one day and a 5th former called him a blob and pulled his arm up his back. That was the turning point of a whole new life for him and he fought back. At the time I don't think it bothered him how big the lad was and he caught him a good right hook on the chin! The bigger lad could not believe that he had done it and actually laughed and said he was quite impressed! From that day on my son did stick up for himself and to this day (he is now a 25yr old 6ft 2in scaffolder) my son has earned respect from the people who once made his life a misery, in fact, most of them are his friends. I do not condone violence at all, but if needs must.......
My son holds his head high and I hope for your own peace of mind that one day your son will be able to do the same, which I am sure he will. In fact, when my son was 13, he was actually diagnosed with a thyroid problem and the medication soon settled the weight problem. If you have not had your son checked for this, it wouldn't hurt to mention it to your doctor. I hope all goes well for you and soon this will all be behind you both. All my good wishes to you both. x

Answer 2

You poor thing - I'm going through something very similar at the moment with my 10 year old, so I know how you feel.

You have no option but to get heavy with school - they've had every opportunity to sort things out, but seem to have failed. I wrote a very formal letter to the head teacher, setting out a whole list of incidents and said that if there wasn't an improvement very soon I would a) write to the board of governors, b) write to the local LEA and c) - as a last resort - consider approaching the parents of the children in question and complaining directly to them.

I have to say that school did act very quickly and things have improved quite considerably. But you need to be pro-active - he is your child, not theirs and you have every right to take control of this horrible situation.

To be honest, I would not advise that you tell him to thump them back, although I'm quite sure others will suggest that. The thing is that at this age, he won't necessarily know where to stop and could get himself into a lot of trouble - if he actually bloodies a nose or something he could end up at the police station.

If his confidence needs a boost, maybe you could enrol him in karate or judo lessons. Most boys love this and it will show him that he's much stronger than he thinks he is.

The only other suggestion I can make is to really push the friendships that he has - have kids to tea as often as you can possibly bear. If he's got good mates around him, he won't be such a target.

Good luck. I do hope you get it sorted, because I know how distressing it can be. xxxx

Answer 3

You suggest that your son fight back, that you've run the course as far as teacher/authority intervention is concerned and you're left wondering what to do. Firstly, you can stop the bullying by placing your child in a martial arts class. I suggest Kung fu from an oriental teacher. This will facilitate two things: your child gaining self confidence through learning that violence is a last resort, but when it happens, he can extricate himself from it rather easily, and due to the exercise involved, will lose that extra weight he is being teased about. Behaviour modification is a personal issue, and you can start your child on that journey of self renewal by getting him/her involved in as many out of school activities as possible. This way your child will meet like minded children, will learn how to work in a team atmosphere and value individual and team accomplishments. Even in sports where the individual shines, like martial arts, gymnastics and skating, there is still a team that travels to events and cheers on the team members. An added bonus will be that you too will meet people, and thus create a nuturing support network for your child, that doesn't always involve family. This will improve his/her social skills, and motivate them to be a person of value to their community. telling your child to fight back, is not wrong, but if he/she has no skills as a fighter, this will only exacerbate the bullies perception of your child's weakness. If your child learns how to inflict maximum embarrassment with minimum damage or force, and looks good into the bargain, you will find that the bullying will stop, the crying will stop, and your child will emerge empowered and enlightened. The example your child sets will not be lost on all those concerned, including teachers, administration staff, and the bullies and other victims as well.

Answer 4

So presumably the remarks are about his weight? Bullying only continues if the bully sees it's having the desired effect, try to make your son understand this and try to increase his self esteem in areas were he shines. I never found that teachers deal with the problem well but you must make them know that he is unhappy at school and why. You may wish to check that he is actually being bullied. I remember someone telling me that their child was being bullied and unhappy at school only to find out that he was the actual bully and he was unhappy for some other reason. Hope the problem is only a passing phase for you and your son.

Answer 5

tell him to find the biggest bully in his class, tell him to have a go back IE verbally or physically. i was bullied for years and once i fought back ( even though the bully won) the bully realised that i wasn't an easy target. otherwise make your son exercise even if it means going walking, cycling or any other sort of physical activity do it with him he will gain confidence with time. all bullies need to have a taste of what they are doing to others. the only other way is to turn the remarks into humour, get your son to use his mind to turn the comment around. ie "your so fat and useless" reply "that's because i love a bit o cake yum yum, wots your excuse". if it persists and your son is getting in a bad way then get the a family member involved big brother cousin etc. if all else fails get the police involved the bully will possibly face an asbo.
dont take it sort it out now before your sons life is possibly ruined

Answer 6

Get the Headteacher involved, and the Governing Body if you have too.
Do the best for your son, and get it stamped out now. I know from experience, how bullying can affect a child, as I was bullied at school for a time, and I never told anyone, it took me many years to get over it. One of my sons was bullied also when he was 6 or 7, and we spoke to the Headteacher, and she was really helpful, and got it sorted out really quickly.

I know you probably think it better to let him learn to stand up for himself, but in a child's eye its not always that easy. And as he grows he will learn to be more assertive, but not if he's getting bullied, it will just make him insecure.
Also, think about taking him to a martial art, like Karate, or Judo, he'll make good friends there, and learn self control when faced with awkward situations.
All the best, hope this helps.

Answer 7

This breaks my heart (and infuriates me!!) and as a mother I can see how you're torn. On the one hand it's easy to say stand up for yourself, but on the other it's kind of setting the stage to teach him it's ok to be violent if someone says something to him that is mean, because we all deal with things and people who insult us on a daily basis. I don't know, I would probably encourage my son to just ignore them and walk away. Name calling back just gets them what they want - a response.

(In the meantime, and I don't know if you've already done this, but it might be a good idea to try and get him to lose some weight so this does not continue to be a problem for him.)

Answer 8

That's so sad. Teachers alot of times either don't see these things going on or turn a blind eye to them too which makes it all the harder on the poor kid being teased.(I know I was an overweight kid) You need to give him extra positive reinforcement at home. Avoid the phrase "you aren't really going to eat THAT are you" That phrase from my mother used to make me want to slam a whole cake down my throat and follow it with a case of soda. Tell him how handsome he is, tell him how smart he is and how proud you are of him. If he has enough confidence from his family, EVENTUALLY it won't bug him if kids call him names because he'll know he's more than his size. You can also help him out by offering variety of fruits and veggies for dinner(even if he doesn't like them offer them to EVERYONE) and try things like the family after dinner walk. Don't say "Bobby has to go walk now c'mon kids let show our support to fat old Bobby" but just say something like "c'mon lets go for a walk I saw some pretty flowers on the street behind us and I want you to see how pretty they are" or "it's such a nice day lets go soak up some rays of happiness before you start your homework" Just little things. It'll improve his ability to deal with situations AND it will help him with any weight issues.

Answer 9

It truly breaks my heart to hear things like this.
I wouldn't tell him to hit back because he is probably scared to do that in case these kids hurt him more.
Do you know which boys/or girls are doing it? if you don't then ask at the school if you can be there for break time as they are always wanting parents to help (just for a day) this way you could get your son to quietly point them out to you. then you will know who they are. i would then take the matter to the head teacher telling them you want to meet at the school with the parents of these children.
I hope this helps and just be there for your son as he will need to feel completely love at home to help him through this awfull time. Good luck x

Answer 10

I always tell my daughter if someone says anything nasty to her she is to give it straight back at them and if anyone hits her she is to do the same back.
The teachers are not watching them all day and the only way he can deal with this is to stand up for himself - get him to join a local self defence class - not to use on the kids (although that is what bullies need) but to give him some confidence because with confidence he will be quicker in answering them back and if he does get hit he will know how to defend himself