How can I deal with my 25 yo son, he broke my spirit?

Question

When my kids, a boy and a girl, lived with me I emphasized the importance of trust. Both good kids, but when my boy was 15 once he went to places he had compromised not to go. It wasn't anyhing so bad, just a mistake many kids make, but I wanted to show the importance of trust and maybe went overboard. He apologized, explained he gave in to peer pressure. He was grounded for a month and I told him he'd have to get my trust back, so for 2 months I controlled his moves, showing I wasnt' sure he'd keep his word. Then, everything was OK again. But he got very upset, extremely hurt, told me there was no reason for that, I had tortured him for a small mistake and hadnt been a loving father. He never got over that and since then our relationship has been extremely icy. Now I'm going through hard days, asked him some money, he lent and I promised to pay yesterday but couldnt. He said OK but reminded me of what I did to him when he was a boy and now it was me who broke his trust

He reminded me how harsh I was and now he was doiing something much worse, I'm an adult, and still he said I didnt need to pay him

Answer 1

Some parents don't understand the impressions they can make on their children or the scars they leave. Many parents don't believe their children might need therapy as a young adult to work through the parent's misjudgment when the children were younger.
If you were harsh, if it was excessive, I think you will need to learn to accept your son's behavior. It might sound childish but some scars are never forgotten.

Answer 2

As a father your did the right thing in instilling in him the need to keep his word and obey rules. When he has kids of his own, he will realize what a blessing you were for him because you kept him true and honest. Unfortunately, he doesn't have kids yet, and it is amazing what young people remember and fret about. Pay him back as soon as you can and get over it. As an aside, my brother blamed my Mom for eating all the potatoes chips when he was about 7 and not giving him any, he is now 55 and still talks about her eating all the chips. However, when she died there was a bag of chips in her pantry and the rest of us gave him the chips and told him enough already.

Answer 3

He is manipulating you. Do not let him do that to you! From the story you told there is absolutely nothing wrong with grounding him or watching his every move. If he did something wrong than that is what a parent does. When I did things wrong my parents watched my every move and I do not throw it back into their face. Thats what parents are supposed to do! Saying that-If you promise to pay someone then you really need to do all you can to pay them back. Good Luck!

Answer 4

You should start by realizing that he has a valid point. Tell him that. Then say, look, as your parent, I had a responsibility to do my best by you. We are both adults now.

I appreciate you loaning me the money, and I am sorry I dont have the cash to pay you back, but I will get it as soon as possible. I love you, and I hope you can get over the past.

Then get him the money as soon as possible.

I hope it works out for you.

Answer 5

Just let him know that you as a parent made a mistake and you are sorry. tell him you were just trying to give him a good lesson for life and didnt realize you were being that hard and that it would have that effect on your relationship. make sure you let him know you love him you are only human and everyone including him makes mistakes.