Express my feelings and communicate, but she gets defensive?

Question

My girlfriend is a very closed person and it take a lot for her to open up. Me on the other hand, I'm very communicative and expressive, which I always thought it was a good thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining, crying, nagging, and complaining about things. I'm also not arguing, blowing up, screaming, cursing or nitpicking everything little thing.

But if she does something that bothers me, and I tell her about it, her reaction is "well if I'm so horrible then I'll leave alone since I'm the worse girlfriend in the world". I know, very dramatic...

I do everything for this girl, and I would like equal, if not near eqaul treatment. But me telling her that makes her say "so you only do nice things to get things in return?". Which isnt the case. I do them because I want to. She wants to far less often.

I don't even know my question, maybe its 2... Any way to handle this and why the hell does she get defensive? She is so insecure...

Answer 1

You said it yourself - she is SOOOO insecure - until she stops putting up the defenses anytime you say anything about her, this will only get worse. It really doesn't matter WHY she does this, because YOU cannot change it - SHE can - but not now, and probably not in the near future. She's got herself "protected" from the world behind 20 foot high walls 10 inches thick. Even with an Army behind you, you will not get past that strong a defense. She does not have the clarity of mind to appreciate all you do for her - in fact, she is quite irritated by it - she does not think she deserves it. Not knowing exactly WHY she doesn't deserve it, she actually CREATES the reason!!! That is how dysfunctional people "justify" themselves - to them, the whole world is out to hurt them, to make them the victim. When they get hurt, they do not accept any responsibility - it is ALWAYS someone Else's "fault". They are MASTERS at fault finding, blame placing, and creating confusion. They LOVE it when other people feel as bad as they do. It's very twisted, very deep, and VERY difficult to break away from. You sound like a pretty cool guy - I know you want to help her, but you really can't right now - she's not ready to face herself yet. Move on gently - there is someone out there who CAN really appreciate you!

Answer 2

I am a female who just had the exact same experience with a man I spent almost two years with - he always turned the tables on me if I brought up something that I thought was a potential problem - I believe if something is bothering you it should be discussed calmly instead of keeping it inside otherwise it will build up and eventually you will have a blow out. Anyway, whenever I brought something up he would get defensive and act more like a woman (unreasonable) than any woman I know! Eventually, I realized that he simply could not address anything that was possibly negative about his behavior or mutually negative behavior. I left him - too much drama for me.