My wife exhibits symptoms of having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Should I stay in this marriage?

Question

She is abussive towards me - verbally, physically and emotionally. She is a sort of Dr. Jekel / Ms. Hyde in that she can be the most loving person or the most vile, depending on the moment. She has a low sex drive and most of the time if she is willing to give it up she just lays there. She has 4 "special needs" children from a previous marriage and she constantly reminds me that everything she owns, from her house to her car and other valuables is in "her name only" and she also has other male friends whereas I have basically given up ALL of my friends to make this marriage work. She is insecure, untrusting and selfish. But she is very beautiful physically.

Is my shallowness keeping me in a loveless relationship or is there a way for me to make this marriage last?

Answer 1

Was that part of your marriage vows? Instead of Love, Honor, Respect you substituted Hate, Hit, and Revile? Knowing what you know now, would you choose this life again? The following is taken from http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0449906442/borderlineperson/

It's time you took care of yourself and resolve your own shallowness. It doesn't appear to be helping you.

PS. I don't care if you were married to Angelina Jolie..no one is that good looking to dish out that much abuse, and I'm sure she must look great on your bruised and battered arm. Life is short. If you want to change your life, change your mind.
Good luck.

If you do decide to stay and seek counseling, print out the following list, so you can have a checklist to go over with in therapy.

Following are types of emotional abuse:

DOMINATION: Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.


VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.


ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.


EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other fear tactics to control you.


UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts (This is part of the definition of BPD). Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.


GASLIGHTING: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity. (If a borderline has been disassociating, they may indeed remember reality differently than you do.)


CONSTANT CHAOS: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. (Many non-BPs also are addicted to drama.)

Answer 2

So.. You only stay with her 1. because she is hot 2. Because of what you can get out of it. She was probably abused and certainly neglected as a child. NO, this does NOT at all excuse the way she handles her pain. But everyday life gives her subconscious reminders of very painful things that happened way back. She needs someone that loves HER and ALSO that can keep firm boundaries. Google helping someone with bpd. There's a few websites with good advice. It may take 10 years. No, you are not responsible for her actions. But you CAN help her. Good luck! Oh, and yes, help her get into and STAY WITH therapy. Dialetical behavioral therapy. I'd work on winning her trust first though. No loud arguments. LOVE and consistent BOUNDARIES. If you do this, she may end up leaving you. But you need to be like a rock. Good luck!

Answer 3

Time has come to tell her what is going to be normal in your household. Buy her the stuff you want to see her in, tell her you do love her. And now ladies and Gents: Tell her all abuse will be instantly returned, no matter where, no matter what, but you will not physically assault her, that is the only thing you won't do, no more, oh lord, no more. Tell her the sex really bites, and if nothing is done, you'll get a girlfriend. Give her two months to fix the problem an if she can't,, see a marriage counselor to verify your impression. Get mistress. At end of 1 more year, start divorce proceedings. Man doesn't live on bread alone. A man without his love and affection is just another a**hole without a home., and he'll get mean, short, and won't care. A bad way to be. If you love her, look out that you don't do it again.

Answer 4

I can only speak as the ex-wife of a man with BPD. It was 18 years of sheer hell and I'm still living with the painful after effects and anger and hurt. I've been divorced now for 19 months, but my self-esteem is shot. BPD is a terrible thing to live with as a spouse or child and can damage you irreparably.

I would never presume to tell someone to get out of a relationship or to get a divorce, but I will take that step with you because it doesn't matter what your intentions are or how much you love or what you do, it will likely get worse and probably never better unless she is 100% committed to therapy.

I stayed for several reasons - way too long. Don't make the same mistake. Just be prepared that she will continue to torment you with phone calls, threats of suicide, harassment, etc. if you decide to leave. Just try to make a clean break and get out of her sphere.
Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

yes and no, she needs to see a professional for her mental issues, but I'm not sure if they can help with her selfish and insecure and trust issues. she actually needs a wake up call. She may not have a clue what she is like . I do know a couple that are made for one another, both are shallow, pretentious and condescending. even though we all see this, they don't have a clue. be yourself and see her for what she is. if this is the way you want to live for the rest of your life then stay

Answer 6

Do you love her?

She sounds like she is going through a lot and needs some help.
If you truly love her, be there for her. Try to be understanding of her illness and try to get her some help.
If I were you I would talk to someone who understands bpd better and can maybe refer you to someone who can help her. Check here: http://www.bpdworld.org/

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
Stay strong for her. Try to help her and if she refuses help you should probably move on with your life.

Best wishes.

Answer 7

You speak from the heart,and you seem sincere,bringing up someone elses children is the most difficult thing someone can do.
Me and my wife have been married 18 months ,she was with her ex for 10 years ish,he is very agressive and controlling,she will not speak to him at all ,only if it is really urgent ,as regards my wifes son.Why your women speaks to her exs i will never know.
My advice to you,ditch her ,,,you could truly do better,you are being walked over,,,respect yourself.
Forget all the councilling crap,just ditch her and move on.2 wordsSELF RESPECT.....good luck

Answer 8

Take back the power in the relationship. In every relationship the person with more power leans on the other. She's leaning on you. Pull away and let her fall, but make sure you're there to catch her because she's hot.

Answer 9

She obviously needs help that you can't provide. Suggest to her that she see a psychologist "to get her feeling better." Then leave and begin a new life. There are plenty other "beautiful" women out there. Like me. =)

Answer 10

Beauty is only skin deep...
After that you start getting to the important stuff...
Sounds like you need to divorce her and move on...