Bad Friendship?

Question

What Should I Do About This?
I have a friend that I believe is causing me more harm then good.

I met her in college about 3 years ago, and we became fast friends. We had a great relationship, until about a year ago when we graduated and started seeing each other less often.

We met up about once a month, and have a "girls night out" w/ some of our mutal friends. We usually go a bar or club. The problem is, that ever time I am around her, I end up in a situation that I regret later. I get tipsy/drunk rather quickly, yet instead of telling me to stop drinking-she buys me shots, when I shouldn't have them. I understand I do have some control over this; however, my friend knows when I'm at my limits and that I will be unaware of the fact that I should stop drinking. Yet, she buys and feeds me more shots. In addition, on two seperate occassions, she has offered to be the designed driver and then has gotten drunk. The first time I didn't realize that she was as drunk as she was an got in the car w/ her

The 2nd time, I called a taxi and ended up paying a huge cab fare, that I had not intented on doing and couldn't really afford.

In addition, I have noticed that this "friend" belittles me about my life outside of your relationship. She makes comments about how I choice to spend my money, my job, my eating habits and even my relationship with my boyfriend. She has repeatedly made my feel bad about myself.

I have other friendships outside of her and our mutal friends. When I go to bars with these people (whom I am closer w/ and have know for longer) I do not act in this manner, or get into bad situations.

Also, after she feeds me shots and I end up doing something stupid or self-deating. The next day, she mocks me or makes comments about it; which is very embrassing and degrading

What's the proper way to handle this situation.

Answer 1

From reading this is seems to me you know what the answer is and what you should do...and just want a little support, which I'll be more than glad to give.

Sounds to me by now you have realized she is not acting as any real friend would. Even worse, rather than being a positive person and support in your life, she seems to be getting some pathetic validation by using you to boost herself up.

It's always sad when people change and when friendships change. Sometimes, with some time, there is a change that the person who needs to grow up and mature to behave better will. Clearly it's her in this case.

To me there is one simple although may painful answer, as letting go is always hard. But until she can behave as a real friend would, seems to me all you can do it let her go, wish her well, set your boundaries and go your own way for awhile.

But also, as you yourself said, you have some control over this. I think you need to take some time and not even consider seeing her until you reach a place in your life where you truly believe and can live that you have ALL the control over this. I'd suggest letting it go for now, being busy if she wants to go out, or skipping any night you hear she is going too. And if you end up together I'd give yourself a firm drink limit and I don't care if she buys 10 bottles you are done when you decide you are down.

Face it hun, if you reach a point where you are past having control of being able to stop drinking then it may be a good time to look at that and realize that as long as you are having fun partying, and you are in control...great! If not, nothing should have that control over you. And this is a lot easier lesson to learn sooner rather than later. I've seen friends get into life changing problems with this, and wish I knew them when they still could stop. I think you still can, and are just having fun. So why not kill 2 birds with one stone and get rid of everything that is currently bad for you now. I know it's fun to party...but you need to be in control.

I'd suggest going out and no matter who you are with set a drink limit..I don't know how they hit u or how long u are going out for but maybe 3. Make sure your fun is coming from being out, and who you are with. Maybe switch to wine spritzers or frozen drinks that are more filler or something with less booze. Be the one in the drivers seat. And when you are then see if you have a friendship worth saving with that "friend." But she sure isn't sounding like much of a friend to me anymore. Maybe she was once, but I think she is having more problems than you too.

And it may seem like just a bad choice to so some things at the time, but trust me, I know all too well how much that can change lives. By boyfriend was hit and killed by a DUI. Because of this I am single, I have no kids, and I date guys who I keep wanting to be him but no one is. Ironically as much as it sucks to be me, I can't fathom how the guy who hit him lives with himself. I couldn't. I used to push the limit a bit when driving, but never again.

I hope you see the positive in all this. You have a chance to remove someone who is not treating you the way you deserve to have a friend treat you. And you can see and own your role and change that too. Seems to me those things will put you in such a better place for a long time to come.

And if you slip and go out with her, early in the night go up to the waitress or bartender, tip them good for a drink and say that later on if she buys you a drink later on, no matter what you say then, you either don't want it, or to give you a shot of ginger ale or anything that looks fake. And are any of the folks you go out with kewl enough to help you with this, and support you, remind you etc?

Take control!!! And don't give her your power. Don't have your life messed up by someone who needs to do such negative things to you to feel in power or in control. And your writing tells me that I don't think I said anything you don't already know...so DO IT! You can and I think it will be so good for you!!!

Best of luck with it! And hope you hook up with real friends who will care about what's good for you, not them!!!

Answer 2

OMG! Why are you still friends with this chick? You're not married to her or anything, are you? Kick her **** to the curb! She's toxic to both you and your outside relationships. I bet she drains your energy whenever you're around her, right? Think about how you feel when you're around her (think about how you feel before you drink and the next day, not during.. drinking distorts our perception about people). Get a backbone and dump her as a friend. People change after school, sometimes for the worse. Believe me, I know. I had a friend like that once. We were great friends in highschool, lost touch, and then met up about 2 years afterwards. Lemme tell you, she was f****d right up! She broke up two of my relationships, was constantly borrowing money, held no job, tried to interfere in my life and what I did.. dropping her was the best thing I ever did! Of course, I tried seeing past all that being the person I was. But it just got to that point that I had to think about me. So please, don't continue making this mistake.

Answer 3

You know just by the details you are giving that she is not a true friend. She is using you to amuse herself and others, and to make you look worse than her. You need to respect yourself and just blow her off when she asks you to go out. After a few times she will stop trying and you will be rid of her. The only way she can stay in your life is if you allow it. If you keep allowing it, you are doing this to yourself.

Answer 4

I think you don't deserve this friend. You obviously worry about your image and money. She buys you drink and take you out to have a good time. That's all she knows and what we do best in our life, we try to share it with the ones we love. Again, reading your questions, the underlining hints speaks volumes.

Just understand that she was open to you and have not thought less of you. It is you who made the choice of going out and now you just want someone to blame.

Answer 5

Stop seeing her. Start making excuses and decline offers to spend time with her. If she presses the issue, just tell her that you feel like you've grown apart and have separate goals for your lives at this point.

While you're engaging in self-reflection, you might perhaps examine your abuse of alcohol and consider whether you wish to continue down that path of self-destruction.

Answer 6

Well, I personally would talk to her and demand that she not do that. If she keeps doing that,its not very good. All in all, I would say thats a bad friendship.

Answer 7

Let her know how you feel and ask her to lose your phone number, don't worry you won't be missing anything

Answer 8

I think you need to cut your losses and get rid of her. she could find another person to take advantage of.