im a mum with 3 children of my own,my mum constantly runs me down in front of them,nasty names etc, help!?

Question

For years I've struggled to put up with it but now its getting too much.She never apologises and tells my children they should learn about my faults(as she sees it) from her.Its upsetting me but also my kids,they feel they're loyaltys split and they just dont want her to keep running me down.Apart from the odd,unpleasant phone call things have almost broken down completely.Dont know whether to keep trying to resolve it or just cut the ties to be free of the hassle and upset. I've never been close to her as she was cold and critical whilst I was growing up,but she's my mum and I have tried really hard.Any help really appreciated.Thanks

Thanks-there's some really good advise there.My Mum has phoned me today,and yet again been critical.I tried to explain how I felt bout her letting go in front of my kids but she says I should accept her critisism and respect her for being honest with me.Dont know if counselling would help as she's adament she's in the right all the time.

Answer 1

Why are your children even allowed to be around this woman?

I would cut off her contact with the children as soon as possible. She sounds like a very nasty woman. If she persists, take legal action against her, perhaps a restraining order.

Answer 2

First off its unhealthily for you and your children . Even though you are grown it still hurts because its been a vicious circle since you were a child. She has absolutely no reason to put you down in front of your children that's her own insecurity to try to make you look bad and her look good. Try this next time she is over hide a video camera tape everything . Then have her over show her tell her you either stop treating me this way or I can not let you around my MY (YOURS AND ONLY YOUR CHILDREN) . Stick to your guns you may one day receive an apology. If not you don,t want the same for your children as to what you endured. Then only speak to her on a need to know basis once in awhile very cold and to the point good luck I grew up same way . From some one who knows first hand what that was like .

Answer 3

Sorry but if she was ALWAYS this way her entire life, I don't see many chances for her to change. As a last resort you could try giving her an ultimatum to either go to family counseling with you, or you will cut the ties. I doubt she will want to go because she probably doesn't believe she has a problem. So in the end you may have to cut the ties just to keep your own and your kids' sanity. But put the ball in her court by offering to go to counseling with her so that no one can accuse you of being cold hearted and you won't feel so guilty because you'll have tried everything you could.

Answer 4

Why even try?
Obviously this woman does not love you enough or does not know how to be a mother... She does not see you as an adult, neither does she respect you or gives you respect in front of your children, why try?? Cut all ties with her and move on with your own life.. Now you know what kind of mother you DONT want to be like... Learn from HER mistakes and be supportive to your kids. I'm afraid that if you keep your mother around your children will never respect you.

Answer 5

I can relate to your question because I have been run down and called names pretty much on a regular basis by my dad but all I do is tell him that he should not do that and he stops for awhile and then he's eventually back at it again. It hurts me and sometimes I would like to run away and hide but what can I do?

I'd advise you to tell her that you do not like it and that she needs to respect you even though you may not always do things right and tell her we are all human and make mistakes. Tell her you want your kids to have a good image of you and that if she thinks negatively about you she needs to not lash out on you in front of the children. Tell her how disrespectful that is and that is bothers you. Hopefully she will let up on you. If not then maybe you need to steer clear of her for awhile.

Answer 6

Your children should not have to go through this, you need to lay down the law and tell your mother that if she doesn't have anything nice to say in front of you kids then she shouldn't talk at all. Let her know that if she keeps putting you down that you will no longer be able to bring you children to see her. Make sure you stick with it, it is not okay for her to do this.

Answer 7

Rejecting a mother can be one of the hardest things a person can do. However, if you look at it like she has already rejected you, it might be a little easier.

Also, when you say things have almost broken down completely, would it be healthy to just sever the tie now that you are an adult and be done with it?

Based on the little info that your question has, I would say so.

Answer 8

It sounds like you need a good heart 2 heart , mother-daughter talk. Set things straight with her. Tell her this is your family and how you may appreciate her knowledge as a mother but to take it up with you and leave your children out of it because all it will end up doing is causing your children to not want to be around her or maybe start to disrespect you. And if she can't compromise tell her she will have to just see them less or not at all. Hopefully it won't come to that because we all need family sometime. Good luck.

Answer 9

Just cut the ties, you are an adult know and she is affecting your relationship with your children. Now is the time to make sure your kids are going to be ok and live their lives well not worry about what is wrong with your mother. Remember your number one job is your children and then the rest of your family.

Answer 10

I would DEFINITELY cut the ties. She's ABUSING you and your kids. Nobody needs to grow up thinking bad of themselves. (Been there, know what it's like.) Let her find someone else to pick on. Tell her that you and your children are too GOOD to listen to her nonsense, and that she'd best get some professional help if she ever wants to see you again. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.