What should I do to get a 4 year old to stop spitting on others?

Question

I have a 4 year old foster son who has been spitting (like wads) on the other children at school & at home. I DO NOT want to, nor can I, spank him. He lived in a very violent situation.
He could sit in time out for an hour without moving or making a noise, so that doesn't seem to work very well either. I am very greatful for any advise.

OF COURSE, I have NEVER left him in time out for an hour!
When I would put him in time out he sits silently then he gets up and will spit in someone else 5 minutes later. So we went back to time out. Repeat. Repeat.
"Time out" doesn't work on this child.

I have 7 children total. All the others get appropriate time outs for thier age and it works well.

Hot sauce is not an option because we're Mexican and the kids eat hot sauce on fruit and candy!
PLEASE hurting a child is not the way to go!

Answer 1

Please don’t put hot sauce in his mouth! Putting hot sauce in his mouth will only teach him that you can hurt him. When disciplining children using logical and natural consequence work best. Taking away a toy or privilege if he spits is not logical. Taking away a toy if he is destructive with it is logical. Time outs are not logical either. They are only a way for you to control him. Not a way for him to learn to control his own behavior. A natural consequence for him spitting would be to give him a place to spit. When he spits, take him gently to the bathroom and point to the toilet or sink. Say to him “If you need to spit you can spit here. When you are finished spitting you can come out.” Walk away and give it no more attention than that. I would ask his teacher to do the same when he spits at school. It will learn to control this much better if the consequence is the same at home and at school.

If he continues to do so at school, or becomes aggressive in other ways, be on call with the school. As soon as he misbehaves, have the teacher call you and go get him right away. Tell him “If you are choosing to (spit at, hurt) others at school then you cannot be there.” Have a really boring day after that. To reinforce the message you can keep him home an extra day and tell him “I can’t have you at school because I’m worried you might hurt someone.” If he enjoys school, he will soon learn to control his behavior.

He is feeling powerful when he spits. He is also doing this to get a reaction from you and others. Help him to feel powerful by saying things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You can run super fast! You used so many colors on that picture! You did that by yourself!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help him to feel powerful in a positive way.

I would also empathize with him after a spitting incident. "You must have felt very (angry, mad, hurt, frustrated) when you spit at (me, “John”). What can you do next time instead?" Do some problem solving with him to give him some ideas. He will learn to express his feelings rather than spit. You deserve a big hug for helping this child! Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 2

A 4-year old boy should only be in time out four 4 mins not an hour. He needs to have clear limits so that no means no. Usually when they resort to bodily fluids of any kind it means they are frustrated by complicated rules, confusing explanations or chaos in their lives. A 4 yr old who gets long explanations about why he shouldnt behave a certain way but never shown how to act will act out of anger this way. Get back to basics. Be sure he has a clear routine. Be sure you have some time set aside for play and for independent play. Make sure he is eating and sleeping on a regular schedule. Then let your no mean no. Use a consistent time out routine. Lower your voice. Be sure you are being realistic about your expectations for a 4 year old boy, especially since he has been through a trauma---dont expect him to act like he is 9. Boys need a certain amount of physical release every day and he probably has some extra with what he's been through.... make sure he has opportunity to get out and run it off...when the rest of his world is in place he will listen to NO SPITTING, until then you need to be a strong parent, or get some classes or see a counselor...all the best to you....if you have a routine and are already having success in other areas then he IS testing you and the hot sauce (or possibly just a green pepper) will work fine.

Answer 3

Talk to him and try to make him understand that this kind of behavior is not appropriate. I know he's 4 so he's understanding may be limited but we should never underestimate a child's understanding. Turn the tables around and ask him how he would feel if other spit on him. If talking to him doesn't work try showing him real life situations (things we see from other people everyday) where he can learn the same lesson. It may take a few times talking to him to make him realize that what he's doing is wrong...but just keep trying and don't give up...=)

Answer 4

try to figure out WHY he is spitting. Is he doing it because he is frustrated and doesn't know how to deal with a difficult situation. If he was bullied as a baby, this may be the only way he knows how to communicate, so it is your job to show him the correct way to deal with things. I would use positive reinforcement with him, and forget the time out thing. Obviously that isn't going to work. He is old enough to talk to, so start out by giving him something like a treat (even just some positive attention will probably work with him) when he hasn't spit on anyone. Start out rewarding him for small amounts of time of good behavior and start stretching it. Good luck and BLESS you for helping this little one.

Answer 5

One of two things could be going on.
1. There may be in issue bothering him and this is how he is demonstrating it.
2. He is pushing buttons to see how far he can go and if you will give up on him or if you will spank him.

Kids in situations like you mentioned learn way too early actions and consequences. Since he had been in an abusive situation you may not be able to faze him with any punishment you give. You may try positive reinforcement or a combination of positive and negative.

Positive:
Set up a chart or calendar with stickers or stars. Try starting with a star for every day he does not spit at home and a star for every day he does not spit at school. Once he gets ___(fill in number here) stars he can do/get something he likes - like something from the dollar store or an ice cream - something.

Maybe if he goes a month with out spitting at school or home he can earn a video.

Negative:
He spits, he gets extra chores. Even at 4 they can do chores - fold clothes (towels), sweeping, clean up after pets, etc.
Or take away something he likes – an earlier bed time, watching a certain program, etc.

But again due to his prior situation the negative may not work at all. Good luck and g-d love you for taking him in. My prayers are with you.

Answer 6

That is such a tough situation, because of his difficult history. You're right- obviously, nothing even remotely violent can happen.

I'd say, find his currency. Every child has a currency. For many, its their toys. For some, it's their bed time. Find what means something to him, and let him know that when he spits, some of his currency will go away (aka, having a toy or two taken away).

The real key is to make good on your threat. Once you make an empty threat, the kid thinks all of your threats will be empty and won't follow your instructions.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Wow, good luck. He is old enough to be somewhat reasoned with, and I would start taking away privileges. You could also try having him go to bed early, my kids HATE that. If he is doing it at school, what are his teachers doing as a deterrent? Maybe you could get together with them and try to use the same punishment (other than time-out) for some consistency.

Answer 8

Need to tell him if he doesn't stop he won't get to play with the other children. Let him know it's not nice and he needs to stop. With his situation, I'd suggest you talk to him and take special things he enjoys away from him. If that still doesn't work, you may have no choice but to litely smack his mouth and tell him no, stop that. It will take time without going to the extreme of smacking his mouth, or paddling him litely. I'm mom to 3.

Answer 9

Sit down and have a talk with him let him know you love him and you care and explain to him that there is consequences to his actions.

Answer 10

My son had this problem for about a week because i started giving him the green hotsauce that's made from jalopeno peppers everytime he did it. It nipped it in the bud after a couple days.

BTW HOT SAUCE DOESN'T HURT A CHILD